


The Cult of Dionysus

by croissantinstrument



Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: Academia, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Awkward Romance, Drama & Romance, Drinking, Drinking to Cope, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Love Triangles, Male Friendship, Mental Illness, POV Shane, Past Sexual Assault, Plot With Porn, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Trauma, Unresolved Sexual Tension, if you are not 18, listen just don't read this, more porn in 32, more porn in later chapters as well, nerd love, no magic, porn is in chapter 10, washed up academic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-18 04:53:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 38
Words: 76,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28861365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/croissantinstrument/pseuds/croissantinstrument
Summary: A washed up academic stumbles into Stardew Valley. Harvey is immediately taken with her but she is far more comfortable in the shadows of Shane’s heart. Who will choose in the end? Someone who’s good for her, or someone who she can’t stay away from?TW: Mentions of rape, PTSD
Relationships: Harvey/Female Player (Stardew Valley), Harvey/Player (Stardew Valley), Harvey/Shane/Female Player (Stardew Valley), Shane/Female Player (Stardew Valley), Shane/Player (Stardew Valley)
Comments: 106
Kudos: 76





	1. Chapter 1

TW: mentions of rape, drugs, alcohol abuse, suicide, depression, mental illness 

Chapter 1 

Lola stared into the fluorescent light above her until she saw blue auras when she looked around. She had been playing this game with herself while she waited for the doctor to see her. One doctor in this little clinic in this little town. She had expected to wait, but she didn’t expect to wait this long. It reminded her of the emergency rooms in the city— those spaces where she had been in and out of most of her adult life. But this room was different. It reminded her of a pediatrician’s office in that it was painted a pale yellow instead of the sterile white. There were even drawings on the cupboards from neighborhood children stuck to the doors with colorful bandaids. Hand turkeys and popup pine trees decorated the office, starkly in contrast to the serious and collegiate medical school diploma from ZuZu City. Lola snorted. Fucking doctors. 

Finally a rap on the door interrupted Lola’s wandering and somehow undamaged eyes. She sat up from the cot, “Come in.” 

“Ah… good afternoon,” a man with a handlebar mustashe and green jacket peaked his head through the sliding door, smiled a disgustingly professional smile and let himself into the room. “My name is Dr. Harvey Smith. I’ll be your physician today and as long as you stay with us in Pelican Town.” Jeez it sounded like a threat. “Just a regular check up?” 

“Yep.”

“And when was the last time you saw a doctor?” 

“Last year around this time.” 

“Any abnormalities?” 

“Nope.” 

“Are you on any medication?” 

Fuck, she hated this question. But she had her answer rehearsed like a child’s goodnight rhyme. “Lexapro, 20 mg a day for anxiety and depression.” 

The doctor was taken aback and looked up from her chart, “That’s rather high for an SSRI.” 

“Well, I’m rather anxious and depressed.” 

“I’m going to have to do an EKG to make sure your heart is okay,” he marked it down in his notes, his handwriting reminding Lola of chickens feet being dragged to their death. “But we can do that at the end. When did you start taking the SSRI?” 

“Ten years ago.” 

“Was there anything in particular that—“ 

Alright my time to shine, “My ex-boyfriend raped me which gave me PTSD, which you know, as rape does, and then the flash backs got so bad I tried to kill myself multiple times during spring— happens every year so I was put on beta blockers, which didn’t do much, and then when I was hospitalized the third time for attempted suicide they finally put me on lexapro. Haven’t had a suicidal thought since.” 

Harvey was impressed by her clinical rattling off of such a traumatic event. She almost sounded like a doctor talking about another patient. “I’m so sorry— “ 

“To hear that, I know.” 

“You’ve done this a lot.” 

“I’ve seen a lot of doctors.” Her eyes were dark. Cold. Almost saying, What else you got, fucker? It excited and scared him at the same time. 

The doctor continued with the initial interview with a deep breath. “Any side — “ 

“No. No side effects.” 

“You’re good.” 

“No, you’re just slow.” That stung. Harvey was used to being thought as the smartest person around… until Demetrius showed up. Ever since he moved here it’s been a pissing match of which doctorate is better in this tiny— Lola interrupted his thoughts, “Sorry. City. I’m impatient.” She must’ve sensed his embarrassment. 

“No worries.” He cleared his through, “Well according to Maru, all your vitals appear normal. You’re young, healthy, just try not to overwork yourself at the farm.” 

“You already know where I live?” Dumb question, she wrote down her address when she walked in. But the fact that he remembered? Impressive. 

“Word travels fast here. Your grandfather was a legend by the time I came around, and everybody here knows everybody.” 

“Yeah.” 

“I’ll go ahead and ask Maru to bring in the EKG,” Harvey opened the door and called for it. In a normal office, it would’ve been a phone call. But here everyone seemed just a shout away. “It might take her a while.” 

Why was everyone here so SLOW?! 

“So what brought you out here away from the city?” He said trying to make small talk in the awkward amount of time it took the nurse to bring the piece of rolling equipment 20 feet. 

“Oh you know… omnia mutantur,” she said with perfect cadence. 

“Nihil interit: errat et illinc. God, I love Ovid.” Harvey shook his with academic pleasure. 

“I’m impressed you know the rest of that line. No one reads book 15,” Lola smiled at Harvey in a way that made his stomach clench. 

“I studied Latin in high school and college,” he was excited to find a way through her outwardly tough exterior. He let him have some sort of real human connection. 

“To help with the SATs and MCATs?” A doctor who loves Latin— how original. 

“At first yes, but then I couldn’t help but fall in love with it all. Y’know? The order to everything. Every use of a word has a label and it’s just so comforting.” 

By this time Maru had come in and started sticking the EKG stickers to Lola’s chest, gesturing her to lie down, but Harvey was still talking. 

“And don’t get me started on the iambic pentameter. It’s beautiful. The POETS. THE GREATS. Vergil. Ovid. Catullus with his couplets— you know it’s called the classics for a reason. And in such a complex language that’s impossible to speak today. Not with all those case endings. The human brain can barely handle it with all the video games and junk we put into ourselves. It’s disgusting really.” 

“Lola, I’m gonna need you to relax and hold still. You can’t speak or move.” 

But it was taking every fiber in her being not to get up an punch Harvey in the face. Finally the test was done as soon as Harvey paused for air. “Seems normal,” Maru said, looking at the print out. She showed it to Harvey who was still talking to himself about the decline of civilization. 

“Oh yes, the EKG.” He caught himself. Both women were relieved to have the man stop talking. “Yes, looks great.” 

“I’ll go put this with her paper work,” and to Lola, “I’ll check you out at the front desk,” with a shared knowing smile between the two, she left and closed the door with Harvey still in the examination room. 

“Can I ask have you—“ Harvey begun, but now it was Lola’s turn to speak. 

“Doctor Smith,” she began buttoning her flannel, “Did you know that we wouldn’t have Vergil if it weren’t for a woman named Proba?”

“Wh—“ 

“And you probably didn’t learn about her because she’s a woman. A woman who saved Vergil’s Aeneid from being thrown away for being too unGODLY in the middle ages?”

“No, I—“ 

“And I suppose you also don’t know that there have been countless women since the so-called golden age who also wrote in elegaic couplets, iambic pentameter, in Latin, doing things with meter that your classically-trained, grammar translationist, closed-minded, sad excuse for a brain couldn’t imagine?” Lola had more, but she stopped when she saw Harvey step back out of pure social fear. He hadn’t realized he messed up. Poor guy just wanted to talk about a dead language. She recognized that feeling, and hated she made someone else feel that way.

“I’m sorry I didn’t know any of that,” he said sheepishly.

“No I’m sorry. I just get really carried away,” her dark eyes seemed lighter with this apology.

“So do I. I didn’t even realize Maru finished the test. It was very unprofessional of me.” 

“I should.. um.. check out,” Lola reached for her bag, “Thanks,” and she left closing the sliding door behind her. 

— 

Harvey ran after her to the town square as she was leaving the clinic, “Lola! Lola, wait!” 

She turned around, seeing him jog up to just as her feet were about to switch from stone to dirt. 

“Listen. I’m sorry if this is unprofessional, but you technically don’t need to be my patient for another year. But— and this is going to make me sound like an asshole— but no one in this town is,” and he lowered his voice, “on that level, you know?” 

“You’re tired of townie idiots,” she mused

“No, I didn’t say that it’s just that—“ 

“Been a while?” 

“No! Will you just let me finish?” 

She was silent, looking up at him expectantly. 

“So you’ve obviously studied Latin. Am I right?” 

“You’re right.” 

“And it’s been so long since I had someone to read with.” 

“I’m not fucking you.” 

Harvey sighed. “I mean really read with. Study with— really dig into the text with. I studied it in college and then in medical school I was too busy, and I’ve been wanting to take it up again, and— “ 

“And?” 

“Can you tutor me?” 

“Tutor you? In Latin? I don’t think so. I barely even know— ” 

“I saw that you wrote “Phd” after your name and crossed it out.” Harvey stepped forward either desperately or bravely, Lola couldn’t tell. “I know you need this as much as I do.” 

He was right. As much as she hated to admit it, Harvey was right. It was a month into being on the farm and she was drowning in pent up mental energy. All the nights studying and putting together her dissertation gone like waking up from a dream. She had even brought all her books and they were beginning to taunt her in her failure. Quitting teaching. Quitting academia. Running away. Everything. If anything, this would be a welcome distraction from the hole she dug herself in her grandfather’s cabin. 

“Alright,” she exhaled, “Come by the farm Sunday at 8am.” 

Harvey lit up like a puppy given a treat. “Yes, m’am,” and he walked away, waving to her every five or so steps.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 

Shane walked into the saloon a little later than usual due to small workplace injury at the Joja Mart. It was just a cut, but Morris, terrified of a lawsuit, had Shane fill out all the paperwork and sign half a dozen items promising he wouldn’t sue. As if I could afford a lawyer. Opening the heavy wooden door at 6:00pm, expecting to see his empty seat, in the corner, he found it occupied. 

Occupied by a small, short woman with muscular legs that ended in a pair of heavy work boots muddied from a day’s work. Her waist was encircled by a belt, hiding where her tanktop and shorts met. The curve of her breasts against the ribbed cotton stopped him in his tracks. If she were uglier, he would’ve yelled for her to move. But perhaps this served as an opportunity. Gruffly he walked over to the stool next to her and ordered a beer and a plate of pepper poppers. 

“Sorry,” Emily said, “Just put our last batch in the fryer,” and handed him his mug. Shane looked around and saw that the woman was the only one there. How the fuck did they run out so early? Shit. This is my chance. He downed his beer and tried to smile at the woman, begging for her attention. Look at me, look at me. 

“The fuck you want?” She said, sipping a glass of wine. Jeez, she looks like a miner but she’s drinking like some rich old lady. 

That’s my fucking line. He couldn’t help but to stammer, “So uh…” first you’re in my seat, now you took my pepper poppers, idiot. That’s what we decided on. Smile. Lean on bar. Wink “You’re in my seat,” he blurted. Shit. Not like that. Okay, go in for the lean. It felt awkward. 

“Didn’t see your name on it.” 

“Well umm…” 

“Look, fucker, I just moved here. This is my first time in this joint. I’m sure this is your fucking seat. But in case you couldn’t tell— or smell— I’ve been working all day. And I just sat down. There’s at least twenty other chairs here. Choose one.” 

This made Shane angry. It was always the way he expected people to respond to him, but in this town, they never did. They were too polite. But this woman— with long brown hair and eyes— muddy knees and— well, she fucking tore him a new asshole. He was taken aback, and let tension hang in the air. 

“Pepper poppers,” Emily said as she placed the plate full in front of the strange, small, angrier woman, “Sorry, again, Shane,” Emily whispered, “We’ll have more tomorrow.”  
The woman must have heard because she nudged the plate towards Shane. He heard the porcelain against the oak bar and saw what she was doing. An apology. She said nothing and looked straight ahead and drank her wine. He stared ahead and drank his beer. 

They shared that plate in silence. They drank wine and beer in silence. In silence they left when the saloon finally closed. And in silence, they began to walk home. 

This was supposed to be an opportunity and you fucked it up, Shane thought to himself, “Hey, uh—” 

“Lola,” she slurred almost reading his mind, “and you?” 

“Shane.” 

“Shane,” she repeated. He hated how much he liked his name on her lips. “Shane, I’m sorry for cursing you out like that.” 

“I know, it’s okay. I deserved it.” 

She gasped and continued to slur, “No, you fucking didn’t! I was being a real asshole. I must’ve ruined your night. First, your seat, and THEN your fucking poppers. God, I’m the worst.” 

Holy shit, is this what he sounded like? 

“I just fucking can’t do ANYTHING right,” it is. Lola grabbed his arm, which seemed to be half the length of her whole body, to support herself as they tried to walk home. She was much drunker than he was. This was a first for him. What a fucking mess she was. 

“Let’s get you home, Lola,” Shane took his arm from her grip and wrapped it around her waist as he continued onto the dirt path to her farm. 

“And how the FUCK do you know where I live?” 

“I don’t. I live up this way too,” Shane smiled to himself, it was nice seeing someone messier than him, “Just tell me where to stop.” 

Lola had stopped paying attention and started talking again, “Oh my god, everyone in this town is so fucking nice. Even you, and I thought you would be the meanest fuck of all— coming into a bar on a Tuesday afternoon.” 

“Trust me, I am a mean fuck.” 

“No, you’re not. If you were, you would’ve raped me by now,” Lola gestured to the cornfields and abandoned bus stop. 

“Holy shit, do you have low standards for men,” Shane adjusted his grip on her waist as her feet began to drag. 

“Low, but realistic. And let me tell YOU, sir, even the DOCTOR in this town is a fucking dummy. He didn’t even know who Proba was!” 

“Hate to break it to you, kid, but no one knows who Proba is.” 

“WELL THEN LET ME TELL YOU…” and Lola began the longest, drunkest, yet surprisingly coherent lecture about a Medieval nun who saved Vergil’s epic poem. Without missing a beat, she opened the door, invited him in, and kicked off her muddy boots. 

Shane was in shock. This woman wasn’t a mess, she was a fucking genius. There were books everywhere. Greek. Latin. Hebrew. French. Japanese?! German, of course— spread out all over her floor. It was a miracle she didn’t trip over anything. She had done this clumsy waltz through the languages and alphabets spilled throughout her house sober and drunk. As Shane was looking around he smelled something burning— something he hadn’t smelled before. Oregano? Catnip? He sniffed the air. 

“It’s mugwort. What the priests of Apollo would smoke to hear his prophecies.” 

“Oh yeah, of course.” She’s a fucking nutjob. 

“Anyway, no one fucking knows about Proba and it pisses me the fuck off,” Lola sat on the floor and looked at all her books. Shane stayed by the doorway awkwardly, not knowing what to do. 

“So.. um.. I should uhg—“ 

“No, wait!” Lola jumped up, and grabbed both his hands. “Please stay.” 

“Listen, I don’t think you’re ugh..” 

“No, not to have sex,” she shook her head, and looked down embarassed, “I hate being alone. It’s terrifying. I see things. I hear things.” 

“Maybe you should stop smoking that shit.” 

“No, trust me it helps,” she hiccupped. Her eyes were dry, but she looked like she wanted to sob. Shane looked down and saw a little lost girl, and was reminded of Jas, back home. 

“Listen,” he said again, “I get it, I hate being alone too, but I really have to get going.” 

“No, please. We’ll wake up early and no one will know you’re gone. Please. Please,” she was desperate, and to be honest, so was he. But he knew nothing would happen tonight. He knew he wasn’t that bad of a guy. She was a mess. 

“Okay. But no breakfast tomorrow. Okay? And I can’t do this every night. I have a— “ 

“Thank you, thank you!!” She wrapped his arms around his neck, “You have no idea how much this means to me,” she pulled back, “Okay, just for tonight. I need to go shower,” Lola stumbled away already unbuckling her belt and pulling down her shorts in front of him. 

“Lola, uh—“ 

“What, you’ve never seen a naked woman before?” She said and walked away in her underwear. Shane was so taken aback he couldn’t register what color they were, but he had enough wherewithal to stay by the door to make sure she didn’t fall. After about ten minutes, she came out, hair in a towel, wearing a giant black tshirt. Relieved she hadn’t fallen, Shane moved to the living room to sleep on the couch. 

“Where do you think you’re going?” Lola said in a voice that reminded Shane of elementary school. 

“I was gonna sleep on the couch…” 

“You can’t, it’s broken.” 

“OKay, the floor then.” 

“No.” 

“No?” 

“No, I would really like it if you slept in the bed with me. I’d feel a lot better for dragging you all the way out here.” 

“You seem to have sobered up in the shower.” 

“A bit, but I’m still a little tipsy.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“That I’m tipsy? Yes.” 

“No, that you want me in your bed.” 

“You can shower first if that makes you feel better.” 

Shane obliged, mostly because it would buy him time.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 

Lola woke up with a pounding headache, cursing the sun beams that cheerfully poured through her curtains. She rolled over to cover her head with her blankets, to bury her hangover further into herself, but she was stopped by something— someone sleeping next to her. Not again, she thought to herself. Before Lola could feel the shame wash over her, she looked down at herself and realized she was still fully dressed. Panties and a t-shirt at least. And this person next to her appeared to be wearing a shirt as well. She allowed herself a closer look, using the sun behind her as a spotlight. 

It appeared to be a man with dark hair, sleeping on his side. His nose was nuzzled into the pillow like a chick in his mother’s breast. His straight hair, fell around his forehead in locks that reminded Lola of amaranth. Both his hands, in soft, infant-like fists were in front of his mouth, one arm on top of the blanket, which had first alerted Lola to his presence. Her eyes lingered on his mouth, lips soft and slightly open— her fingers lifted from the matress to feel his breath, either to make sure he was alive or to capture a bit of his soul— she couldn’t tell. His breath was warm and gentle, like breeze through a window on a spring day. Her hands and eyes journeyed from his lips to his chin, covered in a short grass of stubble, to his shoulder, clothed in a green polo, almost threadbare from constant wear. Lola felt his relaxed muscle through his shirt, almost wanted to press her lips there, to feel the rough cotton on her face, smell the work and sweat that flowed through him like his soft breath. 

And the sun, almost jealous of Lola’s fingers, moved from behind her shoulder to shine directly in the man’s eyes. They fluttered open, relaxed at first and quickly hardening when he saw her. 

“What the FUCK are you doing, Lola?” The man sprung up out of bed almost hitting her in the forehead with his. 

Lola moved back, still drinking in the man. He was big, much taller than she was. He could break her in half if he wanted to, with a body like a mountain man, thick but muscular from constant movement. 

“I.. um.. sorry,” she slowly was brought back to reality. She must’ve been staring intensely and it creeped him out, shit. Fuck. Fuck. Lola was suddenly very aware of her hangover again. She looked down, embarassed and partially ashamed, angry at herself at getting hungover. 

“Look, I gotta get home,” Shane, noticing her folding in on herself, felt bad for yelling. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. 

“It’s fine,” she said, not daring to look up. “I just… did we?” 

“No, we didn’t fuck if that’s what you’re asking,” he started to put his shoes on and leave. 

“What happened last night?” 

“You don’t remember?” Shane turned around to face her from the door. 

She shook her head slowly. God, he hated how his heart hurt looking at her. She was pathetic. He walked towards the bed and sat down at the edge, facing away from her. 

“I wouldn’t hurt you, you know.” 

“I don’t know that, actually,” she said darkly.

“I swear on my goddaughter’s life I didn’t do anything.” 

“Okay,” she whispered, guilty at her immediate hostility. 

“Lola, listen.” 

Her name on his lips reminded her of his. It was coming back now. Shane. 

“I promise. I didn’t even touch you. You asked me to come here because you were afraid of being alone. You were drunk, and could barely walk yourself home.” 

That sounded a lot like her, actually. 

“And then you wouldn’t stop talking about Proba and Apollo and the gift of sight.” 

Oh, that was her, alright. “Jeez, I’m sorry you heard all that.” 

“It’s okay. It was kind of cute, believe it or not,” Shane finally turned towards her and gave her a smile. She managed a weak smile back. 

“Okay,” she said 

“Okay,” he got up to leave, “See you around, then.” 

“See you around…” 

— 

They had gotten up at sunrise, so Lola actually didn’t lose that much time. After downing a glass of water and an aspirin, she pulled her work clothes on and headed out into the farm. 

What did she let herself get into? Sleeping with strangers in her bed? She was pathetic. She came to the valley to be alone, and being alone was the one thing that scared her most. And even as a drunk she was still a pretentious asshole, going on and on about her dissertation to any poor soul who would listen. Even out of the city she was still a washed up academic. She could never be a farmer. 

Lola released her anger with her hoe into the ground, breaking through to till up more dirt. She was preparing for a new batch of parsnips— the only seeds she could afford right now— to grow next to cauliflower, which seemed to be taking forever to grow. At least something was growing here, she thought, I’m still stuck in the past.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lola and Harvey read some Latin together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading thus far! I have many more chapters planned and I'm excited to share them with you. ^_^

Harvey stepped up to the farmhouse, book in hand, sweating either from the spring heat or nerves. Peaking into the covered window, he checked his reflection one more time. He had decided to forgo the tie, seeing this as a casual affair. Just two friends— or were they strangers? Or doctor and patient? — reading Latin together on a Sunday afternoon. It wasn’t supposed to be anything but a tutoring session. Harvey hadn’t lied when he said that he wasn’t looking for anything romantic, but he was was he so nervous? He spent most of last night looking at his old college textbook rememorizing his endings and vocabulary. He hoped they would read some Ovid since that what she recited, but he hadn’t heard from her since their appointment, so he looked over his Caesar, Vergil, and Cicero too. God, he was so scared of looking stupid. 

Finally, inhaling he lifted his fist and knocked. 

Nothing. 

He waited. Checked his watch: 8:05 am. Harvey was purposely five minutes late not to seem to eager, but didn’t want to touch ten minutes as he felt it was disrespectful to her time. 

Still nothing. 

Just as he was about to knock a second time, the door swung open, and he looked down to see Lola standing in front of him in all her glory: hair mussed by a sleepless night, a man’s striped button down that reached her mid-thigh— long enough that she didn’t need shorts, but the suggestion of their absence made Harvey flutter. 

“Good morning, Dr Smith,” she said groggily. “Please come in.”

“Lola, you can call me Harvey. Everyone in the town just calls me Harvey—“ which wasn’t entirely true. The children called him “Dr. Harvey,” but no one in the town called him “Dr. Smith.” 

“Doctor Smith, please sit down,” Lola gestured to a round table in her kitchen. He walked over, noticing the books in piles on the floor, too many for the singular bookcase. Harvey blushed at some of the titles. Latin Sexual Vocabulary, Sex Lives of the Roman Emperors, Courtesans and Fishcakes were among the classics of the Aeneid, Iliad, and Odyssey all of which he had studied. And then, there were titles and names he had never heard of before: Pseudolus, Bacchae, Egeria, Hrotsvita, Hildegaard. Her library spanned centuries, and was full of much more Latin than he knew existed. He could barely contain his excitement. How did I get so lucky with a tutor like her? He thought to himself. 

“Can I get you something to drink?” She said, pulling his gaze away from her books. 

“What do you have?” 

“I’m about to put a pot of coffee on. Care to have any?” 

“That sounds wonderful,” Harvey said, still excited by her collection. Lola didn’t seem to notice Harvey’s awe, or she did and she didn’t care. She pulled herself on top of the counter top to pull down some mugs. “Uh, Lola… do you need help?” 

“No I’m fine, I do this every day.” 

“They make stepstools, you know.” 

“I’m okay, Dr. Smith,” she said, using the name he specifically didn’t want to be called by. Harvey couldn’t tell if she was flirting or being difficult. Perhaps a bit of both, he hoped. Lola finally got down when the water was boiling and poured them a pot of coffee in her French press. She took a sip and exhaled. “Alright. Let’s see what you brought me,” and she laid her arm across the table to Harvey with her palm facing up. He handed her his red textbook. “Jenney’s First Year Latin,” she read, with a little bit of disgust. 

“I needed to practice my charts.” 

“Is that what the language is to you, Dr. Smith?” She looked at him with the familiar dark, piercing gaze, “charts?” She snarled. 

“They’re how the language works.” 

“They’re created by people to organize how a language reacts in different circumstances,” she shook her head. “Entirely different,” pushing the book aside, she directs her gaze at Harvey again and says, “So I hope you’ve read more than the charts in this godforsaken textbook.” 

“I… uh… I have yes.” He already looked like an idiot. He closed his eyes, palms beginning to sweat. 

Lola smiled. 

That made it worse. “I read The Aeneid in high school,” he blurted. 

“You read it, or you translated it?”   
“Isn’t that the same thing?” 

Lola’s smile reminded him of a lion playing with it’s food. She was going to eat him alive. “No. When you read a patient’s chart, do you need another a dictionary to translate every word, or do you know what it means the first time?” 

Harvey wanted to argue that it wasn’t the same thing— that he was a native English speaker so of course he needn’t have a dictionary with him when reading it, but he was scared, and defeated. “I.. know what it means the first time.” 

She seemed disappointment he didn’t put up an argument. Surprised by how easy it was to break him, she moved on. “Don’t bring that book into my house again or I’ll fucking burn it.” 

“Yes, m’am,” he said quietly. The first time he said this to her, he was joking. Now, he was serious, and reacting purely out of fear. He might as well have been a high school freshman again who didn’t study for his test. She had all the power in the room, and he felt it all get sucked out of him like a vacuum. It excited him in ways he didn’t know possible. 

“If I’m going to tutor you in Latin, we are going to do it my way. Understand? That means, no charts, no translation, and no fucking Jenney’s.” 

Harvey could only manage a nod. Was he getting hard? 

“Great!” Her smile was relieved, aware and satisfied of the power imbalance she created, “Let’s start with Vergil!” And she walked over to her book pile, and pulled out a purple worn paperback with “Phagles” written on the side. She opened it to a page entirely of Latin, and pushed it towards him, “Lege, quaeso.” 

“Did you just tell me to read in Latin?” He was geniunely shocked. 

“Ita.”   
“Are you speaking Latin right now?” Harvey felt like he was dreaming, and sniffed his coffee cup to make sure she didn’t slip anything it. 

“Certe, nunc, lege, quaeso, medicē” 

“How long have you been able to speak Latin?”   
“Non est magni momenti, sed vis legere litteras Latinas Vergillii, nonne?”   
“How can you do that? I thought it was a dead language?!” Harvey wanted answers.   
“It’s obviously not a dead language if I’m able to speak it, Dr. Smith. Now please, for the last time. Legē. In meter, if you know what’s good for you.” 

Harvey looked down at the book in front of him, and was relieved to see it was a passage he remembered from school. Heartbreaking— when Anna cried out to her sister after her suicide. And so he read in a stilted iambic pentameter: 

“Audiit exanimis trepidoque exterrita cursu/ unguibus ora soror foedans et pectora pugnis/ per medios ruit, ac morientem nomine clamat:”

“Satis,” enough. She said. 

“I can go on.” 

“No. Nunc colloquamur.” 

“I can’t speak it like you do.” 

“Well you can obviously understand me well enough so I’ll start. Quis audiit et clamat?” 

“Uh… um” She’s basically asking who is the subject. Wow. Genius. I never studied Latin like this before. “Soror clamat,” he said after rereading the line a few times. 

Lola responded immediately. “Bene, et Quis est soror? Cuius soror?” 

“Soror… Dido… nis” He had to decline her name in his head. How did she do it so quickly? It was like she thought in the language. 

This continued for an hour— Harvey reading the Latin to Lola and her asking questions in Latin, expecting a Latin response. 

Finally she put her hand up and said, “Satis bene.” Good enough… even in Latin she knew how to condescend. 

“Wow,” Harvey breathed, relieved to switch back into English, “That was amazing. I never did anything like that before.” 

“Good,” she said, “I’m glad,” sounded not glad at all. 

“Can we do it again tomorrow?” 

“Don’t you have the clinic?” 

“Sorry, I meant next week.” 

“Sure, whatever you want,” Lola was trying to hide that she, too, had fun flexing her academic muscles and making a man feel small in her house. It was like reparations to her for all the years of being spoken down to. 

“Can you give me homework?” 

“No.” 

Harvey’s face fell like a child’s. 

“Just reread what we read today. Or read something else. Take Phagles with you. I have most of the lines memorized already.” 

“Are you… are you sure?” Harvey said, hoping this meant something.

“I have two copies.” 

“Oh…” he fell again. 

“And take this fucking piece of trash with you,” she said pushing his textbook towards him. Just like that she turned away from him and walked into the bedroom, closing the door behind her. 

Harvey took that as goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to know what they're reading, here's a translation of the section before: https://www.poetryintranslation.com/PITBR/Latin/VirgilAeneidIV.php#anchor_Toc342032 
> 
> Also look up some readings of iambic pentameter to get the full *~*~ vibe *~*~*~


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane and Lola get interrupted at their usual spot.

Lola wasn’t a particularly religious woman, but she enjoyed giving herself the day off every Sunday. Her session with Harvey in the morning had been what had woken her from her mid-morning nap. She still had to wake up at 5 and water the crops, after all. Her sprinkler system was far from perfect. While she enjoyed having him over, the experience left her hollow. It reminded her of her past life when she was a teacher, and doing what she had done with Harvey with a class full of students. And she couldn’t bear but to think about her students right now. No, she needed to numb this. She wanted to forget about this. And so she made her way to the saloon. 

Since she didn’t work herself that hard today, she was able to actually wear something nice. A skirt, or a dress, maybe? Who was she kidding? Who was she trying to impress? Shane? Absolutely not. He had already seen her at her worst, and she didn’t owe him any beauty or effort. She didn’t owe anyone that, she reminded herself. Lola reached for her jeans to pull under her shirt, tying the loose ends at her waist to at least show off a semblance of a figure. She was doing this for herself, so if by chance she looked in a darkened window, she wouldn’t hate what she saw. 

— 

Lola made her way to the saloon, sitting at her usual spot— or Shane’s old spot. They had made a habit of seeing each other everyday after work, and he after days of staring contests, he had finally surrendered his seat to her. She couldn’t tell if it was because he felt bad for her, or if he was afraid of her. She pretended not to care either way. 

“Hey,” Shane said, pushing her a plate of fries, “They’re out of poppers again.” 

“Fuck, is it because of us?” Lola said. 

Shane snorted and said, “No, I think it’s because of you,” and smirked over his mug full of beer. 

“Shane, don’t be mean to the new girl,” Emily interrupted his teasing, “We’re out because peppers are out of season and Gus likes to get them fresh from the valley.” 

“Oh?” Lola raised her eyebrows, “What season do they normally grow in?” 

“Summer,” Shane and Emily said in unison, looking at the clueless farmer. 

“Oh,” Lola’s cheeks burned, feeling stupid, “I guess I should have known that.” 

“Yeah, you sho—” Shane began another jab. Why was he being so mean tonight? He didn’t want to be, but like a little boy with a crush he didn’t quite know how else to display his affection. And damn, Lola looked good tonight. He could see the black lace bra peaking through her white button-down. He found the bags under her eyes charming and familiar, like he was looking at a slightly better version of himself. He wanted her to slap him on the arm, hungry for any kind of touch. 

“Shane, for the LAST TIME,” Emily chided him like an older sister, “Stop being a jerk to her,” and to Lola, she said, “It’s okay, you’ll get a hang of this farming stuff sooner or later, and besides I heard you’re like wicked smart.” 

“She’s a genius, alright,” Shane said under his breath. Lola couldn’t tell if he was being truthful or sarcastic. 

“Anyway, what can I get for you?” 

“A glass of red wine, please, and um…” Lola paused, “Thanks, Emily.” 

“Anything for you, Lola,” Emily winked and left to get her drink. 

“So I guess you’re in a mood tonight,” Lola turned to Shane, reaching out for a fry with one hand, and resting her cheek on another. She had rather big cheeks which folded in on themselves when she rested them anywhere. They reminded Shane of the cherubs in Marnie’s Wintersday decorations. 

“Am I?” He said, “What kind of mood?” Shane was grinning. 

“An annoying one,” Lola reached for her wine as Emily placed the glass in front of her. Shane stared as her fingers wrapped around the glass as she brought the wine to her lips, almost reverently. She swallowed and pursed her lips together, “Well, aren’t we all,” and she stared straight ahead. 

Shane paused, and didn’t know what to say. He searched the room for something to talk about, something to fill the air. They had been sitting together like this for days, and would sometimes talk, but Lola felt different tonight— darker, if that were possible. “Hey— ugh… do you play pool?” 

“Hmm?” She was deep in thought, “No, not really.” After a beat, “Do you?” 

“Nah… I was just looking at those kids over there,” and he gestured to the game room where the younger ones were playing.

Lola followed his gaze and saw some people who looked and acted like teenagers but had to be twenty something, a girl with purple hair, a boy with blond spiky hair, and another boy who looked like she felt, “God, look at them,” she sipped her wine again, “They all think they have potentional.” 

Shane almost spit out his drink laughing, “You’re harsh.” Lola smiled at making Shane laugh. 

“Am I wrong?” Lola said, delighting in the light bullying, “Look how they hold the poles, and lean over the table…” Shane looked, “It’s like they think they’re in a commercial for unresolved sexual tension.” 

Shane tried not to burst out laughing but she continued, “Pool is such a…” she paused to find the right words. 

“A what?” He was hanging on to each syllable when she spoke. 

“A contrivance.” 

“A what?” 

“You know, it’s like… it’s like they’re trying too hard.” 

“Oh, where I come from, we just call them ‘try-hards.’” 

Lola laughed and slapped his arm, “And how unimaginative is that?” 

“It gets the point across, doesn’t it? They try. Hard,” Shane had to stop himself from holding Lola’s hand there. The two were friends, yes, but he wanted her so fucking bad. 

“It does, but I feel like there’s a better word that I’m not thinking of,” Lola said, still thinking, “maybe it’s not in English.” 

“What, are you gonna try to teach me Latin again?” Shane teased, wanting her to hit him again. Maybe she would get drunk enough that he would get to carry her home. And then, maybe… maybe— 

“Lola! How lucky am I to see you here!” Lola and Shane spun around to see Harvey, wine glass in hand, beaming at her on the barstool. 

Shane hated that they both had the same drink. Why hadn’t he thought to get wine? 

“Nice to see you too, Dr. Smith,” Lola kept her words clipped and pleasant, as if she were talking to a customer. Shane knew the voice well. Emotional labor, she called it. 

“Can you believe she keeps insisting on calling me that?” Harvey looked at Shane trying to make him feel welcome, “Anyway I just wanted to thank you again for today,” he sat down on the stool next to Lola. 

What the fuck happened today? 

“It was… amazing,” Harvey exhaled, “I never did anything like it. And you, you’re brilliant! Your command of the tongue is just nothing I’ve ever experienced in my life.” 

The TONGUE? 

“Dr. Smith, I think we’d all feel a bit more comfortable if you explained yourself more,” Lola said, becoming aware of the smallness of the town and the percentage of people within earshot. 

“Oh yes, sorry,” Harvey blushed, “The language, I mean,” he sensed Shane’s confusion from across the bar and addressed him again, “Lola, here, has generously offered to give me lessons in Latin, haven’t you, Lola?” 

“Mmhmm,” Lola sipped her wine again, trying to communicate her discomfort to someone— anyone who could pick it up. Unfortunately they were all too tipsy. 

“And, Shane, she is just marvelous, absolutely brilliant. Did you know that she actually speaks Latin? I hadn’t met anyone who —” 

Shane had flagged Emily for his tab and was paying. Harvey had started on one of his rants, and he was driving away Shane. Lola started to panic. She didn’t want this to happen. She didn’t want Shane to think of her as some… some academic who hung out with doctors… some try-hard. “Thanks,” Shane said and rushed out the door. 

“Shane? Shane, wait…” Lola started after him, “Emily, I’ll pay you back tomorrow— I need to—“   
“He payed for you too,” Emily said sheepishly. 

“Shit! Shit!” Lola cursed as she hopped off the stool and followed the grumpy man, “Shane! Listen, can you please just wait?” 

“Fuck off, will you? Go talk to Dr. Smith about your dead fucking langauge,” they were both standing in the road south of the saloon, Shane about to take the short way home. They stood about six feet apart, and Lola tried approaching. “I said, FUCK OFF, LOLA,” and he stormed off again. 

“HEY!” Lola’s short legs ran to him as he marched passed Marnie’s ranch to the lake. “HEY, NO, YOU FUCK OFF.” 

“I TOLD YOU FIRST, SO YOU FUCK OFF AND GO TALK TO FUCKING HARVEY,” Shane felt bad about screaming at her, but he knew he couldn’t scare her away. He was far more afraid of her than she was of him, and they both knew it. But the most screaming at someone to fuck off was all too familiar to Shane. 

“I don’t WANT to talk to Harvey, I want to talk to YOU,” Lola had one hand on her hips, and the other gesturing at him. Even tipsy she still looked like a teacher. 

“Yeah, fucking right, Lola,” Shane walked towards the dock in the lake and sat down, looking sad and defeated, willing Lola to leave and let him wallow in his sadness. 

“Shane,” she didn’t go away. Instead, she walked closer to the dock behind him, “I swear on my mother’s life I didn’t want to talk to Harvey,” she hoped mirroring his previous wording about his goddaughter would help convey her earnestness. 

“You did this morning.” 

“Yeah, well, it was a tutoring session. It’s business.” 

“He seemed to think it was more.” “Yeah, well, he’s a fucking idiot.” 

Shane snorted, “He didn’t even fucking know about Proba.” 

Lola smiled and sat down next to him, her feet dangling off the edge, mirroring Shane, “You’re right.” 

“You know he probably is just doing this to get into your pants,” Shane blurted, hating himself for saying it as it cheapened Lola’s brain. He was sure she was as smart as Harvey was saying she was. In fact, he knew she was smarter, but his filter was down. 

“I don’t think he knows what’s in my pants,” Lola said, and resting her head on Shane’s shoulder. She felt his shoulders chuckle at her joke. 

“I think he needs to— you know— being a doctor and all.” 

Lola shrugged, “I don’t know, he really just seemed hyped about the Latin.” 

“I can’t imagine anyone being that excited about something dead.” 

“Hey. It’s not dead,” she looped her arm through his. 

“Whatever, I’m just saying you should watch yourself around him,” his arm felt like it was on fire. She was so warm it almost hurt. If it weren’t for the beer, he’d stiffen and turn away, but his limbs were held hostage by 

“Shane, he’s the town doctor.” 

“I know I’m just…” 

“Jealous?” 

“Is it that obvious?” 

“You could say that.” 

“Well then, yeah, I am.. and it’s like … Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, you’re going to fail? Because that’s how I feel looking at you and Harvey.” 

“Oh, Shane…” Lola said, her voice full of care, “It’s not like that with him.” 

“It could be, if you wanted that.” 

“I know… but” 

“Of course you know. You’re good at everything. You can have everything. And yet here you are with me— a sack of… nothing.” 

“Shane, I have failed more times that you can ever imagine.” 

“You say that… and you certainly act that way, but I just see brilliance. The whole town sees it.” 

“I don’t know how you can say that after you saw me at the point of begging you to sleep in the same bed as me.” 

“That was four weeks ago. A lot as changed.” 

“You sound like a teenager.” 

“I feel like a teenager.” 

Lola knew what this meant. She was supposed to kiss him now. Or he was supposed to kiss her. The dock, at night, after a fight, it was perfect. She could feel her heart beat in her ears. She wanted to kiss him— or she felt like she did. The three glasses of wine were more like five or six with her medication, and she was starting to doubt herself now. But even drunk Lola knew that Shane was safe. She had asked him to stay that first night in the saloon, and she had felt safe with him ever since. He listened to her talk about Apollo, and he still wanted to talk to her. He wanted to talk to her so much, he stormed out at the thought of someone else talking to her. Or her wanting to talk to someone else. This could get dangerous, but she didn’t care. She wanted Shane to kiss her, and she was overthinking everything, as usual. Why would he want to kiss me? 

Instead she said, lifting her head up, “You can kiss me now.” 

“What?” Shane was taken by surprise. 

“I mean, if you want to. You can kiss me. I might get scared but I promise it’s not because I don’t like you. Because I do like you, I’m just— “ 

Shane took Lola’s sunburnt cheeks in his hands and pressed his lips against hers. He felt her body stiffen— like it was a visceral reaction to something, and then slowly melt into him, her arms around his neck. 

Pulling back, foreheads touching, she looked into his green eyes, reminding her of laurel trees. She breathed in, relishing his breath on her lips. 

“I’ve wanted to do that since we first met.” 

“A whole five days ago?” 

“It felt like five years.” 

Lola smiled and pulled away from him again. He looked scared, worried she regretted kissing him, and she placed a hand on his, “Thank you.” 

“For what?”   
“For kissing me. It was really nice.” 

“Literally any fucking time. I’ll do it,” Shane was on a high, he had gotten to kiss Lola, and she had asked for it. It felt like a dream but he didn’t want to wake up.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane and Lola talk about their pasts drunk one night in her cabin. Emotional fluff. Plot. 
> 
> TW: mention of sexual assault by professor, grooming

God, she’s beautiful, Shane thinks to himself as they sat on the floor of Lola’s living room. She’s wearing nothing but a bralette and her denim shorts with one of her button-down hanging off her elbows. Having abandoned wine glasses, she bring the bottle to her lips, closes her eyes and gulps. She exhales and hands it to him, sitting close enough to her that he can feel the heat radiate off her body. It’s summer, and Lola was hot in more ways than one. Shane notices a drop of wine on the corner of her mouth, and he reaches up to wipe it away. Lola giggles as her tongue meets his thumb on face. He would’ve kissed her if he weren’t so damn sad. He wanted to, but sometimes depression takes everything out of you, and their second bottle of wine exacerbated that feeling. So he pulled his hand away and took a swig of wine with eyes still on her. 

They spent so much time together in silence, and sometimes in jokes, but rarely had Shane tried to bring up the woman’s past. Tonight, though, he desperately needed to be closer to her. He wanted to crawl inside of her and hide, to know her soul, to have her know his. His chronic loneliness was teased by their silent drinking sessions, where they’d talk about nothing, or think silently about everything. Not to mention, they hadn’t gone further than kissing. Shane had been too nervous to kiss her again since the dock, but she still would sit close to him, her side burning his, and him wanting more. 

“Hey,” he said, breaking their drunken silence. 

“Hey,” Lola responded, he could feel her cheeks harden against his shoulder as she smiled. 

“Why do you want me here?” 

“Oh, Shane, we’ve been over this.” 

“I know, I just need to hear it again,” he grumbled, upset that she had begun to demand honesty from him at all times. She wasn’t one to tolerate bullshit. 

“I have you here,” Lola stood up and reached her arms out to him, helping him get up once he put down the bottle, “because I like drinking with you, being with you, and sometimes, kissing you.”   
“We only did the last part once,” Shane said, regretting how needy he sounded. 

“You can kiss me again, you know.” 

“No, not like that. I want you to kiss me,” he wrapped his arms around Lola’s waist, under her button down so his arms were touching her bare skin. 

“I can’t,” she looked scared… shy? He couldn’t quite place it. He loved that Lola wasn’t such a power bitch around him like she was with everyone else in town. She matched him in gruffness when dealing with the shopkeeper, and only really tried to talk with him and Emily. And Harvey, too, I guess but he couldn’t let himself think about that now. 

“I think you can,” he bent his knees so his forehead was against hers.   
“No, I really don’t think I can,” she closed her eyes tightly, looking as if she were about to cry. 

“Please?” He said, “For me?” 

“Shane, I said, I fucking can’t,” her voice broke and Shane regretted bringing it up. 

“I— I’m sorry. Is it me? Is it because you hate me?” 

“You know I don’t hate you.” 

“Then what is it?” 

“I.. um… I don’t know how,” she blushed pulling away from him, but his fingers still on her sides. 

“Excuse me?” 

“I said I don’t know how.” 

“Was I … was I your first kiss?” 

“I mean? Kind of?” 

“What?” Shane couldn’t help but chuckle. This woman, who oozed sex, who entered his dreams every night, who made him want things he didn’t know he could want, had never kissed someone? And she chose him?— Knowing she could have anyone? Including the town doctor? 

“I um… it’s a long story. Let’s just go to bed,” Lola turned away and started walking to her bedroom. They had been sharing a bed when they would get drunk together and Lola’s nightmares begged him to stay, but they had kissed only once. 

“It’s gonna be a long night if you don’t tell me,” Shane said. 

“You’re not gonna let up until I tell you, aren’t you” she deadpanned. 

Shane shook his head, smiling. 

“Open up another bottle and I’ll tell you,” she sat at the edge of her bed lighting a mugwort cigarette with a crystal table lighter. 

Shane handed her a fresh bottle, giving her the first swing, and she chugged the first half, “Woah, slow down.” 

“Speak for yourself. I just needed that to get through this,” she layed on her back on the bed inhaling the herb.

He layed next to her, not wanting to drink to remember everything she said. 

“So, yes. You’re my first real kiss,” she began, and looked at him warning him not to interrupt. 

“Who was your first fake kiss?” 

“A professor.” 

“Sounds hot,” he mused, taking another swig. 

“It fucking wasn’t, Shane. It’s not like in the movies. I mean… it was in that I was his favorite student, and I just thought it was because I was… you know…” 

“The best?” 

“Exactly. But then the emails started getting sent later and later into the night, and then the emails turned into texts… and I responded to all of them.” 

“What did he say in them?” 

“First it was just compliments about my work, about my essays, that I had real promise and curiousity. Then it changed to compliments of what I was wearing, asking what I was wearing, talking about how I looked like a cute little school girl in knee high socks.” 

“Gross.” 

“and before I knew what was going on, I was in his office, sharing a bottle of wine— and it happened. Right there.” 

“What happened?” 

“He kissed me— grabbed me really— pinned me down on the couch and he didn’t stop until he was done,” she inhaled the mugwort again, and blew out a puff of smoke above their heads. 

Shane didn’t know how to respond, but she continued, relaxed by the herb. 

“And that happened again and again throughout college. He’d text me to come by his house, his office, a closet in the library— and I didn’t know how to say no. I didn’t know I could. He was supposed to write me a letter of recommendation and he was my reference on all my graduate school applications, he was a reader on my thesis and if I denied him— “ 

“He could ruin you,” he whispered. Shane didn’t know about the details she was talking about, but he knew the feeling of being trapped, “I’m sorry.” 

“And yeah, I know what you’re thinking that was college, Lola, certainly you had kissed boys before then? What are you a fucking loser? And the answer is, yeah I was. Giant nerd with glasses. Still am. ” 

“I actually wasn’t thinking that at all…” Shane’s voice trailed off. 

“Oh, well… all that to say is now I hate smart men, never kissed any one before college, and now I’m useless.” 

“You’re not useless, Lola.” 

Shrugging off Shane’s pity, Lola continued, “So what about you? What was your first kiss like?” 

“We don’t have to talk about me.” 

“Please, it’ll be a distraction from my mess.” 

“It was in high school.” 

“Tell me more.” 

“It’s corny.” 

“I just fucking poured my heart out to you. You owe me a corny story from high school,” she handed him the mugwort, and he didn’t quite know what to do with it, so he just let it burn between his fingers. 

“Okay, okay,” he tried to take a puff, but then coughed. Lola laughed and took back the cigarette, putting it out on her ashtray. They both slid down the bed on their sides facing each other. “In high school I played on the varsity gridball team,” he began. 

Lola giggled, “You were a JOCK?” 

“The biggest,” he continued, “and there was this cheerleader—“ 

“You’re KIDDING” 

“Hey, I’m doing this for you, remember?” He teased and put his hand on her bare shoulder. 

“There was this cheerleader named Harley— she was small, and a flier, really cute— at all my games obviously, and one day while afterwards behind the bleachers I kissed her.” 

“That’s it? Did you date?” 

“We didn’t date, no. She later moved away, and I never saw her again.” 

“How was it?” 

“Was what?” 

“The kiss— how was it?” 

“Oh, like all first kisses it was mediocre,” he smiled moving closer to Lola in her bed. 

“Are second kisses better?” 

“You tell me…” and Shane leaned in but Lola moved away quickly. 

“Wait, I wanna try.” Shane stopped, and looked her big eyes, now eager to learn, “Will you tell me how?” 

“You just kind of do it,” he said. 

“Okay okay I’m gonna do it. Is that okay? I’m gonna kiss you now,” Lola closed her eyes and moved closer but then burst into giggles, “I can’t.” 

“Do you want to try another position?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Here,” he said, moving away and sitting up against the head board, “Now, you can sit on top of me.” 

Lola complied, straddling him with her legs on either side of his lap. She let herself put his arms around his neck, silently thanking the wine she chugged before, “Okay, and I just?” 

“Whenever you’re ready. Take your time.” 

Lola drew back from him, slowly, moving her hands down his chest, feeling his heart race under his shirt. She took him in, looking dreamily up at her, like she was Helen and he was Paris, and all he could do was look and wait for when she agreed. Her hands traveled back up his neck with her fingers spread at the nape like she was holding a wine glass. She wanted to drink him. And so she leaned in and their lips met. Her body pressed against his, and he wrapped his arms around her waist, now completely absent from the button-down. 

Shane could hardly control himself, opening his mouth— surprised that she followed suit— and he let himself enjoy feeling her body burning into his, their deep and passionate kiss. His hands moved up her back to her bra, tracing the clasp with his fingers, not wanting to go too far. Scared of scaring her, he moved down to her hips and thighs, feeling her buttery soft skin against his rough calloused fingers. When she finally pulled away, he tilted his head up at her, as if asking for more. Lola looked pleased with herself, as if she finally cracked an impossible line of text, and hopped off of him, leaving him feel cold without her warmth. 

“I’m sorry that’s about all I can handle right now,” she said. 

Disappointed, Shane asked, “Should I go?” 

“No, you can stay if you want.” 

“I’ll only stay if you want me here.” 

“Shane, I want you here, but I can’t have sex with you tonight.” 

He nodded, understanding just how scary that was for her— but she did it, and knew she didn’t want anymore. He couldn’t fault her for that, “Okay, we’ll take it slow, that’s okay,” and for the first time, he reached for her hand. She grabbed it tightly. 

— 

Lola returned from the shower, wearing her usual tshirt as pajamas. Shane had started borrowing her clothes for when he slept there, as he still couldn’t bear to show his naked chest to her. But tonight was a hot summer’s day and the alcohol made him sweat.   
“You can take your shirt off,” she said, sliding under the sheets. 

“It’s not pretty.” 

“Here,” she shut off the light on her bedside table, and she turned on her side away from him to give Shane some privacy.   
Shane took the shirt off, making a mental note to get up early enough to put it back on, and layed down next to Lola. When she felt his weight on the bed, she turned around and wrapped her arms around his stomach. Blushing, Shane panicked at the sudden rush of skin to skin contact.   
“Can you hold me, please?” Lola slurred, sleepy and drunk. 

“Sure, turn around, I’ll be big spoon,” Shane whispered into her hair, and wrapped his arms around her, drifting off to sleep to the smell of her smokey hair.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harvey comes over again, this time Lola’s hungover.

“Salve!” Harvey said cheerfully through the open door. Letting himself in, he looked around trying to find his tutor. Usually when the door was left open it was because Lola had just come in after watering the plants to change, or to allow some sort of cross breeze through the otherwise stuffy cabin. But it was early fall and it didn’t seem necessary. They had been having weekly tutoring sessions since the spring, and Harvey’s Latin had greatly improved. Every Sunday without fail, he would show up at Lola’s doorstep, Phagles in hand, waiting to read more. They had made most of their way through the Aeneid and now Lola wanted to read Proba’s Cento with him. They were supposed to start today. 

“Lola?” Harvey said again, this time a little worried. Had something happened to her? Was she still outside and left her door open? Lola wasn’t one for leaving her door unlocked when she wasn’t in the house, she was wary around strangers, even Lewis, the mayor, who had known her as a child. An open door with no Lola was a bad sign. Harvey put Phagles down on the round table in the kitchen venturing further in the house. He noticed tea cups filled with coffee, tea, wine, and what he could only assume was whiskey in the kitchen sink. There were books everywhere, but not placed on the floor— it was like she had thrown them in anger. Harvey winced at the crooked spines and face-down hard backs.“Lola, are you okay?” He approached the bathroom. 

He was relieved to hear a groan— followed by the sound of retching. 

“Lola?” He tried again, softer, right outside the doorway, “are you okay? Is there anything I can do for you?” 

“Harvey?” His heart fluttered at her using his first name. It had been months, but she finally was worn down by his consistent asking, and I guess she wasn’t in the mood to ignore his wishes. “I’m sorry,” she said while the toilet flushed, “I think we’re going to have to cancel today’s session,” and she coughed again, while trying to get up. 

“Is there anything I can do to help? I’m a doctor, you know.” 

“No, I think I’m just hungover,” she groaned. He allowed himself a peek into the bathroom, as that door, too, was unlocked and open just a crack. Harvey saw her sitting on the floor, her elbow resting on the toilet seat, head in her hand. Her eyes were closed, like she was trying to keep the world around her from spinning. 

“Can I come in and help?” 

“I’m gross right now, just come back in a few hours, and I’ll be fine,” Lola spit some more into the toilet, and tried getting up. She couldn’t. Harvey watched her struggle from the crack in the doorway. 

“I don’t care about you being gross. I just want to make sure you’re okay,” he pushed open the door a bit, to see Lola in her gardening clothes— a white t-shirt and jeans. Except the t-shirt was covered in a dark purple liquid. Harvey pitied her. She must’ve tried to get some watering done before her body rebelled against her. He wondered if she had gotten any sleep the night before. 

Lola looked up at him in silent defeat. She was helpless and she knew it. Her brown eyes met his green ones, and she almost started to cry. She hated herself for this. She didn’t want to let Harvey in. Not ever, and especially not like this. This was her cave and she wasn’t about to have someone else pull her out. She deserved the pain, the headache, the spinning— what felt like a fever. She hated herself even more, and her suffering was justified. The last thing she wanted was Harvey to try to stop it. He didn’t give her a choice, and took a step into the bathroom towards her. With every step, tears welled up in her eyes. 

“Hey… listen… hey, it’s okay,” Harvey whispered, kneeling on the floor next to her. He placed an awkward, but comforting hand on her shoulder, “Will you let me help you, please?” 

“Why should I?” 

“Because you’re obviously hurting now and I want to help.” 

“What if I deserve to be hurting like this?” She hated herself more for saying that outloud. Was she still drunk? Perhaps. Maybe Harvey had wriggled his way inside afterall. 

“Oh, Lola, no one deserves to hurt like this,” he said smiling under his mustache. “Let me help you up.” 

Taken aback by his kindness, she nodded. Harvey took her hands and pulled her up, steadying her by her shoulders. 

“Do you need help changing?” He asked, “I can help without looking.” 

“Mmhmm,” was all she could muster. Were all the men in this town obsessed with consent? Because in university, my shirt would definitely already be off. With his help, she turned around, and he lifted her shirt above her head. She would’ve been able to take off her shorts as well, but she needed both hands on the sink to steady herself. 

“Can I take off your pants as well?” 

Lola nodded without looking back at him. Harvey seemed to be in full doctor mode, he didn’t have a hint of nervous excitement he usually did during their sessions— just calm reassurance. He reached from behind her and unbuttoned and unzipped her pants, waiting for her to pull them down herself, and when he saw she was unable to, tugged them slowly to her ankles. Once at her ankles, he helped her lift her feet one by one out of pooled fabric of her jeans. Lola felt like a child, but was grateful for the help. 

“Where are your clean clothes?” Harvey said, voice still calm. 

“In the… bedroom,” Lola managed. 

“Okay, you try to wash your face while I get something for you to wear,” he said, “If you need me, just call, okay? I’m not going to leave you like this,” he slipped out the door, shutting it quietly behind him. 

Lola looked at herself in the mirror, sports bra still on and vomit on her face. Her teeth and lips were purple from the wine she drank last night and into the morning. Shane had left in the middle of the night to answer an urgent call from his aunt, so without him, her nightmares were worse, and she needed to drink. She kept seeing his face and the face of all the students before he— Lola splashed water on her face, trying to wash away the scene, wanting more wine. 

Harvey knocked on the bathroom door like it was an examination room, “Brought you some clothes,” he said, holding a tshirt and athletic shorts in his hands, “Can I help you put them on, or are you okay?” 

“I… I think I’m okay,” Lola let go of the sink and tried to walk forward but her knees gave out and she fell into Harvey, her face in his chest. 

“I can help you,” he said almost clinically, backing away and unfolding her shirt, “Arms up” 

She obliged, and he placed the shirt over her hands and head, pulling down. Lola noticed that this was the shirt Shane wore when he slept over as it smelled like his deodorant. God, I’m so fucking messy, she thought. Closer to the ground, he picked up her shorts and she placed her hand on his shoulder to balance herself as she stepped into them. He pulled them up to her waist, and pulled his hands away quickly, as to not linger for a second too long. 

“Thank you,” she whispered. 

“Let’s get you to bed,” he said, and he supported her by the ribcage leading her into her bedroom. 

Once in her bedroom, Harvey helped her lie down in bed, pulling her pillows to support her in an elevated position, and then gingerly placing the blanket over her. Harvey sat on the edge of bed, body angled towards Lola’s. He reached up and felt her forehead. Brows knitted together he said, “Feels like a little bit more than a hangover.” 

“Do I have a fever?” 

Harvey didn’t immediately respond as he was preoccupied in taking her wrist and feeling for a pulse. “It seems like it… and your heart rate is awfully fast.” 

“Probably because there’s someone who won’t get out of my house.” 

“I thought you said I could help you, Lola,” he said quietly, backing away, “You’re in really rough shape— burning the candle at both ends and all this drinking— isn’t good for you.” 

Lola angrily looked past him, trying to find Shane’s smell in her shirt out of pure spite. She didn’t want to get lectured. 

“You deserve to be treated well, Lola,” he said, moving his hand from her wrist to intertwine his fingers in hers. She pulled away immediately. 

Silence. 

“How much did you drink last night?” 

“How is that any of your fucking business?” She spat, regretting it immediately after all the kindness he had shown her thus far. 

Harvey looked down and away from her, “Because I’m your doctor,” he said, “but of course, you don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to,” Harvey stood up and looked down at her with care, “I’m going to get you a glass of water and an aspirin, can I get you anything else?” 

“No, thank you,” she said, feeling handled like a child. Harvey turned to leave, but while he was at the doorway, Lola whispered, “I can’t remember how much I drank…” 

Harvey could only look at her with doctorly concern. 

\- 

Her house doctor returned after a few minutes with a tall glass of water and the promised pills, “Drink up,” he commanded, “it’s important you stay hydrated.”

“I know how to take care of a hangover, Harvey,” Lola said after taking a few gulps, “but thank you,” and she swallows the pills with another sip. She places the glass on her bedside table with a shaking hand. 

“I’m going to need you to finish that glass, Lola,” his arms crossed over his chest, trying to demonstrate some sort of authority. 

Glaring at him, she sipped the water, willing her gaze to burrow into his skull, wanting some power and control back. She would have smacked her lips with a sarcastic “ahhh,” but she was grateful for something other than wine in her system. She reached to place the now empty glass on the table, but her trembling hand betrayed her and Harvey guided her hand with his. 

“Do you want to talk about what’s going on?” he said, sitting on the edge of the bed. 

“Nothing’s going on.” 

“You’re drinking an awful lot and that worries me as a friend and a doctor.” 

“Didn’t think we were friends,” she grumbled. 

“I think we are,” he looked at his hands in his lap, “or I thought we were.” 

“Jeez, if it means that much to you, we can be friends.” 

“Not like that--” 

“Okay, we’re friends now, happy?” 

“Quite,” he smiled, still facing away from her. 

A silence hung between them as Lola sunk deeper into bed, trying not to close her eyes. 

“I better let you get some rest,” Harvey said, standing up. 

“No, let’s read,” Lola whispered, trying to stay awake. 

“I don’t think you can right now,” Harvey chuckled, looking down at Lola wrapped in a blanket. 

“You read. I listen,” Lola insisted, eyes closed, but voice sounding oddly awake. 

“What do you want me to read?” 

“Your choice, just make it good.” 

Harvey walked into the living room, knowing exactly what he wanted to read. Ovid, but not just any Ovid--Metamorphoses, what they said to each other when they first met. He grabbed the book, and rushed back to the bedroom. “Okay, still awake?” 

“Mmhmm” 

“sic ait: “inmensa est finemque potentia caeli/ non habet, et quicquid superi voluere, peractum est,/ quōque minus dubites, tiliae contermina quercus/ collibus est Phrygiis modico circumdata muro;/ ipse locum vidi; nam me Pelopeia Pittheus/ misit in arva suo quondam regnata parenti-- “ Harvey began in a smooth and rocking pentameter. 

Lola smiled to herself in near sleep. Out of all the stories in Metamorphoses, Harvey had chosen the happiest. Baucis et Philemon-- an old couple who wished to live not a second without the other, turning into trees to guard the sacred grounds of their modest house. 

\-- 

Once Harvey was sure that Lola was asleep, did he allow himself one soft touch, just one finger to brush a lock of hair out of angelic face. The peaceful moment was interrupted by a knock at the door. Thinking he could brush this off as a house call-- which it had certainly turned into-- he opened the heavy door of Lola’s cabin to fine no one other than Shane’s heavy lonely eyes.


	8. Chapter 8

Shane stood on Lola’s porch carrying a bushel of apples over his shoulder, and his niece holding his knees. Marnie had sent him to give their neighbor part of their harvest from the orchard, even though Lola had barely made an effort with Marnie. His aunt did know, however, that he had been seeing her at the bar, and staying over almost every other night. She and the rest of the townspeople noticed that Shane carried himself a little bit taller after Lola’s arrival and thought that the two just needed time to be alone together. And that was true, to a point, but Shane couldn’t help but to feel that there was something volatile about their relationship. They were always drunk together, or trying to get drunk, and they both knew it was terrible for their bodies, and they both could barely speak without alcohol to lubricate their minds and quell their spirits. Lola called it the spirit of Dionysus— what existed between them. And Shane wasn’t one for labels but enjoyed that theirs included and ancient deity. He thought it was cool, in a nerdy sort of way. 

“Uncle Shane, can I press the doorbell?” Jas asked her godfather quietly. Like all children, she loved pushing buttons. 

“I don’t know if she has a doorbell, kid. Can you knock for me, instead?” Shane felt suddenly grateful for bringing his niece, even though he had protested bringing her in the first place. 

Jas reached up her tiny hand to knock at the door. 

“A little harder, Jas.” 

Giggling nervously, she reached up and knocked again. 

This time the door opened and Shane looked up in surprise to see the town doctor in front of them. _What the fuck was he doing here? _He thought.__

__“Dr Harvey!” Jas squealed, making Shane wince at her excitement._ _

__Harvey nodded at Shane to acknowledge his presence and bent down to meet Jas at her level. Shane couldn’t help but to roll his eyes, a pang of hatred for the man he knew would make a better father than himself. He almost wanted to leave Jas there for Harvey to deal with, because first Lola, no Jas? He burned with jealousy._ _

__“Hello, your highness!” Harvey smiled at Shane’s niece, “What are we doing here today?”_ _

__“We’re here to drop off apples for Professor Lola! Aunt Marnie says that she and Uncle Shane are best of friends!” Jas squeaked, excited to see her favorite doctor._ _

__Shane turned beet red. He wished he could drop the apples and leave, but this would be too hard._ _

__“She _does _?” Harvey said with genuine surprise, and looked up at Shane, who was glowering at him. “Is that so, Shane? It’s good to see you’ve made a friend here.”___ _

____Shane grunted._ _ _ _

____“Well, unfortunately, my dear princess, Professor Lola is very sick, and that’s why I’m here— to make sure she gets all better.”_ _ _ _

____Shane snorted, “Oh is _that _why?”___ _ _ _

______Harvey ignored him, “But I’ll be sure to give Professor Lola these _beautiful _apples, okay?”___ _ _ _ _ _

________“Make sure she gets better fast, okay? Uncle Shane gets sad when he can’t see her,” Jas held out her pinky, “Pinky promise?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Swear,” Harvey interlocked his pinky with hers and smiled. He stood up to get the apples from Shane, “I can take these inside.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I’m not sure you can carry these, doc,” he said. While a full head shorter than Harvey, Shane was thicker, with a body used to hard labor, and of course, the last thing he wanted to do was hand the apples over to Harvey._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Sensing the tension, Harvey turned his attention to Jas again, “Jas, dear, can you do something really important for me?” Shane hated Harvey’s fucking pediatrician voice that he used with his goddaughter, but it got her to do everything— calm down from a shot, stop crying, and listen. It was a constant reminder that Jas hadn’t had enough gentle adults in her life— up until recently, that is. It made Shane hate him more._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Uhuh!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Can you pull out those weeds over there for Professor Lola? It’ll be a big help for us.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________US?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Jas’s face fell slightly, and then with a quick, “Okay!” She ran away to complete the doctor’s orders._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“So you’ve been seeing her a lot?” Harvey asked, now serious._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“What’s it to you?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I’m just… concerned.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Why?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Does Lola drink a lot when she’s with you?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Shane chuckled, “I guess you could say that.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“How many?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“What’s going on?” Shane started to panic, feeling as if something was wrong._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I’m concerned, Shane. She wasn’t in good shape when I came in today for our tutoring session. And if you’re as close as Jas says you are…” Harvey’s voice trailed off trying to stave off any sense of jealousy._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“We are.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Then you should answer my questions. Because I’m obviously not privy to this information, and she isn’t in any condition to answer them herself.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“What kind of condition is she in?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Doctor, patient privilege, I can’t tell you that. Tell me how much she drinks, Shane, if you really care about her.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________This stung. He did really care about her, but he was starting to feel like a bad influence— that he was dragging Lola down with him into his black hole of a life, and maybe just like Jas’ mom, it would be too late for her. “I dunno… the most I saw her drink at a time was three to four.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Drinks?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Bottles.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Bottles?? Of wine?” Harvey was shocked. He had seen Lola sip wine at the saloon, but he didn’t know she was drinking that heavily. And she was on SSRIs to boot. He could feel his heart in his ears._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“That was only one time. Usually it’s just one.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“And was last night one of those… heavier… times?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I don’t think so. Maybe just two last night.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Harvey rubbed his eyes, pushing his glasses up to his forehead, “Shane.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“What?” He snapped._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You can’t be giving her that much alcohol,” Harvey sighed, “she’s small. She can barely handle the farm work, and she’s still working on her dissertation. She’s working herself to the point of exhaustion, and you— “_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I don’t _give _her anything. It’s her wine. She drinks it herself. She’s an adult, and she chooses to drink. It’s not my place to make her stop. And it’s not your place to— “___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Harvey snapped, “And did you ever think that you were _enabling _her, Shane? That you are a signal for her to drink? That your drinking made it think that it was okay? That that’s what we do here in Pelican Town, get wasted? Do you ever fucking think about anyone but yourself?”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Shane stood there in angry silence._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I don’t know what’s going on in your life, but Lola has a lot of promise, and a bright future ahead of her. She doesn’t need someone like you to make her feel like it’s okay to destroy her body and mind because— “_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Fuck this,” Shane said, dropping the apples at Harvey’s feet, “Jas, it’s time to go!” He walked down the porch steps._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“But I’m not done!” She said, her hands covered in dirt. _Great, now that’s to Dr. Fuckwad, we’re gonna need a bath when we get home__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“We’ll come back later to help the professor out!” Shane turned to Harvey, “As soon as Dr. Harvey tells us she feels better.” He scooped Jas up like a bushel of apples, and threw her over his shoulder and marched home. Jas giggled and waved goodbye at Harvey._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________—_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“What were you two talking about?” Jas sang as they made their way back to Marnie’s ranch._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Just making sure that Lola’s okay,” Shane avoided his niece's eyes, to hide his tears welling in his._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I really wanted to meet her today…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I know, kid, but you will another time. And you were able to help out in her garden,” he could hardly hold back anymore. He couldn’t cry in front of Jas, and he desperately needed to get her in the bath so he could bang his head against the wall. Or press buttons on a controller. Or drink, but drinking made him want to puke. All he could hear was Harvey’s voice saying “enabling her,” “signal to drink,” and “Do you ever fucking think about anyone but yourself?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Shane bent down to pick Jas up, not caring if she got mud all over him. He held her fireman style because it was her favorite and to avoid her eyes. “You need a bath, stinky,” he managed. Jas giggled and kicked her legs._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Can we play mermaids?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Maybe tomorrow,” he breathed. “I’ll read to you extra tonight._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Thanks, Uncle Shane!” she reached around and kissed him on the cheek, “I love you so so so much.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Love you too,” he said, putting her down as soon as they got into the barn, “now off you go-- go get ready for your bath.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________As soon as Jas left, he let a single tear fall down his face. He walked into the kitchen, wiping his eyes with the heel of his hand. He had used to cry in front of Marnie all the time as a child. She was always his safe haven from his fucked up home life, especially after the death of his brother. But he didn’t want her to worry. He inhaled, willing the tears to fall back, and said, “Marnie?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She was washing some more apples from their orchard in the sink, “Shane! How did Lola like the apples?” Her smiling face was all it took for him to break._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________He let out one sob, and buried his face in his hands._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Marnie began to dry her hands, and wrapped her arms around Shane, “What’s wrong?” she whispered, “Is Lola alright?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“She’s fine… she’s just sick… probably hungover and … and that’s my fault…” Shane swallowed back another sob, “Harvey was there and he said she was exhausted so we just left the apples there and… “_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Marnie looked into her nephew’s sad, lonely eyes. She didn’t know what to think. Of course she knew what they were doing when he went over to the farm. She thought it was better that Shane was drinking with someone instead of being alone. She had pretended that it wasn’t so bad… and Jas… “Did Jas see?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“No, um, she was playing in the dirt… can you help her in the bath? I, uh, I gotta go..” he turned away from Marnie’s embrace, thinking he didn’t deserve such support. He had ruined Lola, and he wanted to ruin himself too. He didn’t deserve any caring word Marnie had to offer, to help his goddaughter in the bath, to do anything. He just wanted to be alone, lie down, and rot. Shane opened the door to his room, and quickly shut it, mindful not to slam it. He was angry, but Marnie and Jas didn’t deserve any of it. He looked at his case of beer and instinctively opened one, until he caught sight of a half empty corked wine bottle on his bedside table. Not really a fan of wine, he abandoned the beer and reached for the bottle. The sweet smell made him want to vomit, as it reminded him of the night before. But he held the bottle right in front of his face, staring down the neck of it like a barrel of a gun. Shane took a swig. Lola, it tasted like Lola after a night of ebbs and flows of lectures and silence._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______________The Romans, you know, they used to pour wine out for their gods on the altar. Euripedes wrote a play about it. It was to symbolize the blood of their sacrifice. Libations, they’re called. _Wanting to connect to her in some way-- any way, even in a bygone ritual from another world, Shane opened his window, and watched the wine fall out of the bottle, getting absorbed by the green grass below. He poured the wine thinking that if she were his world, and he would be her supplicant. And then he turned to his bed to be overtaken by the shadows of sleep.__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Lola stands in front of the trees of Cindersap Forest barefoot in a white dress. Shane steps closer and sees that she is holding a knife in her left hand and a jug of wine in the other. Her eyes beckoned him to follow, and he did. She allows him to place his hands on her cheeks, just as he did at the dock, and kiss her. The kiss is deep and passionate but she pulls away a moment too soon._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh sorry this seemed to take forever but I'm trying to have a 2k word count on all my chapters. Why?? idk. Thanks so much for reading this far, I feel like it's so nice, but I'm doing this for fun and having a blast. Comments clear my skin and water my crops, so please please comment because I love hearing what you have to say. 
> 
> I also made a spotify playlist for this-- is that something you'd be interested in me posting? LMK!


	9. Chapter 9

Lola woke up to the mid afternoon sun streaming in through her window. The last thing she remembered was Harvey watching her puking on her bathroom floor. She imagined he left in disgust after that. She had tried so hard to be able to do both-- be a mess around Shane and perfect for Harvey. It was too much and her worlds finally collided. Now she had what she deserved-- true isolation. It was only a matter of time before she could push Shane away as well and she’d really be the town’s very own Emily Dickinson-- a single reclusive woman who sometimes gave treats to children. In this way, she was like her grandfather, Reginald, who also kept to himself. Of course, he’d show up at the festivals, and he was only really close to Lewis, but he didn’t bother with anyone else. Or at least, that’s what it seemed like at the end, anyway. It was depressing but Lola felt she was already at the end. She turned to her bedside table, surprised to find a glass of cold water. Certainly she couldn’t have-- 

“I see you’re up!” a cheerful Harvey said from the kitchen 

Lola panicked and got out of bed. _How long had this fucker been here?_. 

“You were in pretty rough shape this morning, Professor,” Harvey smiled, wearing her grandfather’s apron as he chopped vegetables on the counter. 

“What are you---Who let you in?” Lola was mad, pantsless, and standing in her kitchen doorway, feeling like a guest in her own home. 

“Your door was open, and you were sick in the bathroom-- you could barely stand… do you not remember?” 

Lola didn’t remember a lot of things, actually. Her depression combined with bouts of binge drinking-- not to mention her accidentally on purpose missing of her medications-- days were a blur to her. “Uh, yeah. It’s starting to come back to me, now.” She crossed her arms, “Thanks for helping me out though.” She was embarrassed, and surprised Harvey hadn’t immediately left after seeing her on the floor covered in vomit. 

“Of course, it’s my job,” Harvey pushed the carrots from the cutting board into a bowl. 

“Well, I’m okay now,” Lola walked up to the counter and moved the cutting board away from Harvey, “and thank you so much again, but I really should be working. We can read Latin together next week.” 

“Lola, you shouldn’t work yourself too hard. I was just about to make a soup for you… you need liquids and rest more than wor k... I’m really worried about you.” 

“Well the good news is that I’m an adult and I’m alive!” Lola said cheerily, like she was dealing with a difficult parent. _Yes, your child is a PLEASURE to have in class._

“Yes, thank God you’re alive, but if you continue drinking like this, I worry about what’s going to happen. Have you been taking your medication? Have you been eating enough? You were so pale and--- “ 

“Dr. Smith, thank you so much for all your help today. But I really think you should go,” Lola said. Her polite, distant tone was back. It was as if they had just met that day again, and Harvey’s heart sank. 

He closed his eyes and turned to face her, “Lola, I’m really worried about you. Just promise me you will cut down on drinking.” 

“I will. I promise,” she nodded and smiled. 

Harvey looked at her incredulously. 

“I swear! I will. Just get out,” she tried to usher Harvey to the door, but he wouldn’t move. 

“Not just for your sake, but for Jas’s too.” 

“What does some neighborhood kid have to do with my binge drinking?” 

“She’s Shane’s goddaughter… and you and Shane, well…” his voice trailed off. 

“How do you know about Shane?” she spit. And Shane had a goddaughter? He had never mentioned having a kid, or he did and she was being too selfish to listen. Or he did and she didn’t remember. _God, I’m the fucking worst._

“I know you think you’re just ruining your life and body, but there’s a kid involved. And Shane isn’t innocent either… you two enable each other and-- “ 

“Harvey, get out,” she whispered.

“It’s not healthy.” 

“Harvey, get the fuck out of my house.” Her words were slow and deliberate. She didn’t want to hear how she was tearing apart a family right now. She didn’t want her darkest thoughts to be true. God, it really would’ve been better if she just fucking died, wouldn’t it. 

“Okay, fine, I’ll leave. Just know that I really do care about you. As a doctor and a friend,” he walked towards the door, and looking down at the apples he remembered, “Oh right and Shane dropped these off while you were sleeping.” 

\--- 

Lola spent the rest of the day throwing herself into her work. She put on some music and started on the apples. She peeled, decored, and chopped, throwing them into the stock pot Harvey had planned to use to make her soup. After the apples were simmering on the stove, Lola got started on the bread. Work usually helped her clear her mind and focus on not being a complete piece of shit. It didn’t work this time. She kept thinking about what Harvey had said to her. _Shane had a goddaughter? Why hadn’t he told her? Had he told her?_ She began to furiously punch the bread dough. _And he was staying over almost every week when he could -- should be taking care of Jas._ She hadn’t even said hi to Jas since she’d moved. Children scared her in that she knew she could royally fuck it up if she said the wrong thing, and she always saying the wrong thing. And here she was, fucking up some poor kid’s life so she could feel less alone in her hole. So she could have a drinking buddy and lie to herself about not feeling pathetic. 

Then, there were the kisses, the hand holding, the cuddling, and the drunken attempts at dancing. _I guess he was more than a drinking buddy._

The following day Lola took the fruits of her labor down to Shane’s house.

“Oh hello!” Marnie said as Lola entered the red building south of her farm. 

“Hello,” Lola managed a pleasant smile, “I wanted to thank you for the apples you gave me,” she awkwardly paused. “I’m Lola. I don’t think we’ve ever met.” 

Marnie laughed, with a sadness behind her breath, “No, we haven’t, but I know Shane enjoys your company.” 

_Enjoys my company? Is that what we’re calling this?_ “Mmhmm,” was all she could say aloud, “Well I just wanted to drop these off,” Lola put out a basket in front of Marnie, “It’s just some apple butter and a loaf of bread. I figured it was the neighborly thing to do.” 

Marnie just smiled at her kindly. Sadly? Did she know how broken she was?

“Well! I better get going! Thanks again for the apples.” Lola turned to leave. 

“If you want to say hi to Shane, he’s cutting wood for me out back,” Marnie said, still smiling. _Jeez, did she ever stop smiling_

Lola walked around the house to the back, where she saw Shane, not in his usual polo and ripped hoodie, but in a nearly-soaked white t-shirt and a pair of jeans. She saw Jas reading under a tree nearby. She was struck by how his shoulders moved under the sleeves, how he grunted when he swung the axe back, and-- just how strong he looked while doing this. Her time in university had her surrounded by men who were, well, not like Shane. They were book-smart, obsessed with themselves, and only wanted to talk about high brow books. If it was written in English, there was no chance you could mention the work without some eye rolls. Lola smiled imagining one of those men trying to chop wood like Shane, and then wrinkled her nose knowing that they would condescend to him about his job, reading level, and humble bachelor’s degree. 

Shane turned around after splitting one final log, wiping the sweat from his brow with the back of his hand. He saw Lola standing there, wearing a yellow sundress, not unlike the dress she wore in his dreams, but at least she was wearing work boots or he would start to believe he had the _sight_. 

“Glad to see you’re feeling better,” Shane turned again to watch Jas as she read. 

“I came by to drop off some apple butter and bread to thank you for the apples.” Lola said, barely above a whisper. 

“Hmph.” 

“And talk to you,” Lola felt guilty. Indeed her two worlds of being a mess and a genius were colliding. Shane and Harvey had been at her house at the same time, and she was so much of a mess she couldn’t even have bothered to be conscious. 

“So… ugh… you and Harvey, huh?” 

“You knew I was giving him sessions,” she said, trying to downplay what Harvey had done. 

“Yeah well he seemed a little too concerned about us hanging out to just be your student.” 

“I know… he talked to me about that too.” 

“What is with that guy, anyway? 

“I guess he doesn’t like seeing his patients binge drink.” 

“Did he tell you that I enABLED you?” 

“That we enable each other” Lola said softly. 

“What do you think about that? 

“I think it’s certainly possible… He does have a point. We don’t bring out the best in each other when we drink 

Shane’s chest tightened… “not the best” he sighed, thinking about how she asked him to kiss her while they were drunk. 

“I mean… mentally…” 

“So where does that leave us?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Lola, I mean that whenever we get drunk you end up kissing me… and now you’re saying that you don’t wanna get drunk with me anymore.”

“Shane, I’m saying that a doctor’s professional opinion is that maybe I shouldn’t be around you because I make you drink”

“You… you never make me drink,” he said sadly. 

“Well, something does. And maybe it’s best you find out before we continue this.”

“And what would you call this?!” Shane shouted, bringing up the attention of Jas. 

“I thought we were drinking buddies! And friends? 

“You thought my kissing you and saying that I liked you and laying in your bed,” he said through his teeth, “was me being friendly?” 

For the first time Lola didn’t know what to say… She could barely manage a “Yeah…” suddenly realizing she didn’t know how to have a proper friendship with a man. It was like a year of therapy hitting her in the face. 

“I don’t do that to friends, Lola. I do that to people I _like_. To people I bring my goddaughter over to meet… and I thought you felt the same way.” 

“I… I do. I just couldn’t imagine you wanting to get involved with me… so deeply.”

“Well I do. Or at least I did,” he turned to continue chopping wood. 

“I-- I’m sorry, Shane. I… I still don’t think we should drink when we’re together, I couldn’t handle knowing I’ve ruined your life.” and she turned away to leave, but before she left completely she whispered, “tell Jas I said hi.” And she was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHH Thank you so much for the comments. And kudos! and views! Tell your friends!!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane shows up at Lola's house to apologize. Also smut ahead. Explicit sexual content or whatever.

The following night was rainy. It hadn’t stopped raining since the night before. Lola worried about her crops, but she didn’t fully understand how much to water, so she didn’t know how much to worry. She had tried reading about it earlier in the day, but couldn’t concentrate. Her mind was too full of ruin to think about pouring more information from a book. It was a scary feeling-- feeling that you had reached your intellectual peak-- that you were full and stuck in the place of being not quite mediocre enough to be pitiful and being smart enough to be impressive. It was there in that place, when she heard a knock at the door. 

She was surprised to see his dark hair when she peaked out the window. Opening the door with one swift pull, she saw Shane outside-- soaking. He looked at her with his sad, lonely eyes, through his hair that fell in front of his face. He was completely lucid, smelling of cigarettes instead of beer. His hands were pulling down his hood, almost covering his eyes, trying to hold in warmth, and he said, “Listen, Lola, I just needed to tell you,” he was shouting over the thunder, still coming through the open door, “that you could never ruin my life. I was worried about ruining yours. You’re the best thing that’s ever-- “

And Lola grabbed him for a kiss, not caring that he was soaking wet. She pulled back and said, “Have you been drinking?” 

“No.” 

She sniffed his breath-- his anima-- and for once it wasn’t clouded by the brown smell of beer. She kissed him again, this time pulling off his wet hoodie as she pulled him inside. “Neither have I. She reached down to unbutton of his cargo shorts, and pulled them down. 

“Lola, are you sure?” he asked carefully. She had never been this forward, and he couldn’t quite understand what had gotten into her. 

“I’ve never been so sure about something in my life,” she breathed, her forehead against his wet shirt. 

Hearing Lola’s emphatic yes, Shane was overcome with desire. Kicking off his shorts, and walking towards her, he was able to wrap his arms around her and touch her-- really touch her. His hands traveled down her back to grab her ass and move up her thighs. He brought one hand up to lift up Lola’s chin so he could kiss her mouth. His lips moved down her neck, grabbing the strap of her shirt with his teeth, pulling down. Lola gasped, and her hands found his hair. His teeth brushed against her skin, giving her goosebumps. 

“Take me to bed,” he said, as if asking for a simple dinner favor. 

Lola pulled him to her room, taking off her top, and knelt on the bed. Shane followed, avoiding her eyes and smiled at her black lace bra, which he had been able to see peek out under all her white shirts. He kissed her again, this time his hands expertly unclasping her bra, and pushing it off her shoulders. His fingers massaged her breasts, pinching her erect nipples, teasing the most sensitive areas of her body. 

“Can you lie down for me, please?” 

Lola obliged, and Shane laid between her legs, his mouth first on her neck, and then chest, stomach, and down between her thighs. And with the same swiftness he took off her bra, he began to lick at her clit through her panties. The shadow of a touch made Lola shiver. Then he had his fingers on top of her waistband. He looked up for permission, and with her bottom lip under her teeth, she was able to nod. Pulling down her panties, he exhaled with a sound of relief. Worshipping her cunt, drinking her in like wine, he let his tongue find a sacred place to press and to lick. Her back arched at his touches and he held her hand as she came, pressing her cunt to his tongue, relishing the feeling of being controlled and at the mercy of just one body part. He kissed her again and again at the top of her crown, his stubble against her pubic hair, erection against her mattress. He wanted her to come all over his face, drown him in her self, and get lost in her body. Lola began to moan again, and her hands reached for his, and she came, panting, “please… please fuck me, Shane.” 

He pushed himself up, tracing the outline of her flesh with her lips as he moved his body one top of hers. Shane kissed her, and Lola sighed at the taste of her own pussy on Shane’s tongue. “Fuck…” 

“I want you to know that you can stop me at any time, okay? I just wanna make you feel good,” he pumped himself in his hand. 

Lola nodded, and she felt Shane press his hard cock inside of her, slowly, as if he’s done this many times before. Her head rolled back, as her eyes reached for her headboard. He was so… _big_. She wanted him so badly and she hadn’t even allowed herself to notice. She wanted him to fill her up, for their bodies to be intertwined into one, for the feeling of completion once he was completely inside of her, followed immediately by the fear of emptiness. And now, here he was, entering her body, and completing her just like she had hoped he could. And again, fear of emptiness… and the eagerness to be full again. Pleasure and fear combined themselves in Lola’s cunt, and she grabbed onto Shane, fearing he would leave her with every thrust. But every time, he returned into her, panting and moaning her name _Lola_ , holding her hands and kissing her cheeks, until-- 

“Shane, fuck, you’re gonna make me come again--” Lola felt her body surrender to the feeling-- the loss of control and need to be full. The need for friction and pressure. The need for Shane’s cock to erupt inside of her, spreading his seed and making her his. Shane fucked her harder and faster, feeling her tighten around his cock. Only once was he sure that Lola came, did he allow himself to, and he collapsed on top of her. 

Lola wrapped her arms around him, shivering from her orgasm still. Shane pulled the blanket around her, hugging her to his chest. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted that,” he said into her hair. 

“I had no idea I _could_ want that.” 

“Was I your first orgasm?” 

“It might as well have been…” Lola said, half joking, and now realizing that her one other sexual partner-- her professor-- had not cared if she came or not. In fact, he treated her coming as an interruption. He even once said to her, _You know, I really don’t like it when you shake like that…_. 

Shane pulled her closer, pulling her out of her memory, “Well you deserve all the orgasms in the world.” 

Lola laughed, “That’s ridiculous.” 

“It’s true, you looked so beautiful when you came, and to know I could make you feel that good-- it made me feel like I was good for something, y’know?” 

“Shane, please don’t get your self worth from my orgasms,” she said seriously. 

He laughed, “Okay, I’ll try.” 

“It did feel really good though,” embarrassed, she buried her face in his chest, surprisingly muscular from his work on the farm. She enjoyed how fuzzy it was, from the many fine hairs touching her burning cheeks and lips. 

“I’m glad…” his voice drifted off as he let silence over take them for just a moment, and he said, “So did you think about what I said before?” 

“About being more than friends?” Lola looked up from his chest, and Shane stared into her dark brown eyes, absent of her usual glasses. 

“Yeah…” 

“Yeah I thought about how I was ruining your and Jas’ life.” 

“Lola, you’re not.” 

“But the drinking and Harvey said--” 

“I don’t give a _fuck_ about what Harvey said. Yeah, we drank a lot, but if it weren’t for you, I’d be drinking alone. You gave me a place to be, and you made me feel so good-- even the mornings after when we were hungover. I was just so fucking happy to wake up next to you and I knew I wanted that to keep happening.” 

Lola didn’t know what to say. 

“When I brought the apples, I brought Jas too, because she and Marnie knew that I was spending time with you. And… well.. You’re kinda a legend in town already.” 

“Am I?” Lola giggled, realizing that she didn’t talk to anyone else besides Shane and Harvey. She didn’t think that there was an expectation to have more than two friends. 

“Yeah, the quiet mysterious ex-professor who sells jam at the local store? They ate that shit up. And Harvey always talks about your lessons, so that’s certainly saved your reputation.” 

“Oh…” 

“Well, anyway, Jas knew that I was seeing you, and she wanted to meet you. She thought you were some kind of magical witch or something because her uncle was finally at home and functioning.” 

“But all the time you spent here--” 

“I could’ve been at the saloon. But I was here, and seeing you get messy made me want to limit myself so I could be here and sober enough if anything happened.” 

“Have you been cutting down?” 

“I had to, for your sake… and it’s easy because you’ve only been drinking wine-- and I fucking hate the taste of wine.” 

Lola was silent. She had just assumed that her black hole behavior could only exacerbate someone else’s. Never in a million years had she thought that it could have the opposite effect. She also couldn’t help but smile at her bacchic tendencies. _Wine only, tonight,_ she had said so many times, _to please Dionysus._

“I’m sorry I had to leave before you got sick. It should’ve been me taking care of you, not Harvey,” he ran his hands through her hair. 

“Shane, it’s really okay… you had to take care of Jas.” 

“Well, I want to take care of you both…” he said, “is that so bad?” 

“It is if your girlfriend takes up too much of your time.” 

“So you’re my girlfriend now?” 

“Not what I meant.” 

“Still, I can try, if you let me.” 

Lola didn’t know what to say. To be fair, she did want someone to take care of her, and she definitely didn’t like seeing Harvey see her like that. But Shane was different. He knew what it felt like to be a fucking mess, to be a black hole, to want to bury yourself in sorrow. Jas, of course, complicated the matter. She couldn’t bear ruining a little girl’s life just so she could have a chance-- and she already had too many chances. She finally said, “I don’t know if I can… with Jas and everything…” 

“Jesus, Lola, how many times do I have to say this? I _want_ you to meet Jas. She wants to meet you. Okay? If you two exist together it makes my job of taking care of you both that much easier.” 

“Are you sure you want to get involved with this?” Lola asked incredulously. 

“I’m already involved, Lola. I think about all the time. I dream about you,” Shane winced thinking about the knife in her hand from the night before. 

“What do you dream about?” she teased. 

“You-- in a white dress-- barefoot in the forest… kissing you while you held a knife.” 

“Kinky.” 

“Still, my point stands,” Shane was serious, “Please, Lola, please, let me in. I know I’m not Harvey and I have a dead end job, and I’m not nearly as smart as you, but I care about you so much. I just want to be here for you. I’ll be whatever you need me to. I’ll never touch you again if -- “ 

“Oh my god, don’t say _that_.” 

“It’s true. So what do you say?” 

“Okay.” 

“Okay, what?” 

“Okay, I’ll meet Jas. But let’s do it right, okay? No screaming at each other while you hold an axe. No wine. Just me and you, and Jas.” 

Shane tightened his arms around her, “Thank you.” 

Lola allowed herself to sink back into Shane’s chest, terrified of what she had just agreed to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wasn't really feeling the last chapter, but I'm pretty proud of this one. 
> 
> Also here is a video of Shane outside Lola's heart: https://youtu.be/ow-WdjzfmaI 
> 
> Spotify playlist coming soon!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane, Jas, and Lola go on a picnic. Followed by some angst. 
> 
> TW: Suicide, death, and cancer

Lola stood in her kitchen with her hands on her hips. Shane had invited her on a picnic with his goddaughter, Jas, and she was trying to figure out what she should bring. Marnie had the apples covered, and she had baked some fresh bread for them. She cursed herself for not invested in a cow earlier so maybe she’d have some cheese, but Shane insisted that she only needed to bring bread. _What do little kids even like?_ Lola thought to herself, trying to remember her own childhood, but she could only remember the fear she had of disappointing her parents. She winced. Shane could never be disappointed by Jas-- she was his pride and joy. A bubble of jealousy crept up in her shoulder. Even with dead parents, Jas had more love as a little girl than Lola ever experienced. Her name even reminded her of it-- Dolores, from the Latin word _dolor_. Simply because her very birth made her own mother miserable. 

Shaking off her memory, Lola tried to think of what Jas would like. She didn’t have any time to bake, and instead wandered over to her bookcase to choose something that might entertain a child. Without much hesitation, she picked up her copies of Winnie the Pooh and Peter Rabbit and stuffed it in her backpack. Back at the kitchen she wrapped the loaf of bread in a towel, and put some foraged grapes in jars. With everything packed away she left her cabin thinking, _What a sad fucking picnic_. 

\-- 

Shane was trying to fold a large picnic blanket for today’s adventure while Jas scurried around the house filling the basket with cheese and candy. He still hadn’t told Jas that Lola was coming, knowing that it might dampen the mood after she saw them yell at each other. To be honest, he was avoiding the subject entirely until it was absolutely necessary to tell her about their guest. Now, with Lola on her way, it was finally absolutely necessary. 

“Hey kid?” Shane said, giving up on folding and rolling the blanket into a ball. 

“Yeah, Uncle Shane?” Jas rocked back on her heels with her hands behind her back, excited about the picnic and pleased with the amount of candy she thought she snuck into the basket. 

“You remember how I said you’d meet Professor Lola?” 

“Uhhhuhhhh….” she trailed off. 

“Well, how would you feel if I said she was coming today?” Shane said quickly, pushing the words out of his mouth before he had time to regret it. 

“Is she not mad at you anymore?” Jas cocked her head to the side, like a curious puppy. 

“What? Oh no… she thought _I_ was mad at _her_ .” 

“OOohhhh…” Jas said, almost singing, “I get it.” 

“Glad you do.” 

“So you’re still best friends?” 

“Only second to you, kid,” Shane squeezed her shoulders and smiled. 

\-- 

Lola caught sight of Jas and Shane sitting by the river south of Marnie’s ranch. Shane was standing tall waving his hands above his head, smiling nervously while Jas was playing in the shallows by the shore. “Glad you could make it!” he yelled, cupping his hands around his mouth. 

“Wouldn’t miss it!” she shouted back, feeling unsure of what else she should’ve said. God, she was so fucking awkward. 

Once she reached where they had camped, she put down her backpack on the blanket and began to unpack, silently. Jas and Shane stared awkwardly until she felt their gaze and looked up at them. _Fucking say something to his kid, idiot._ “You must be Jas!” she reached out her hand for a handshake. 

“Uhuh,” Jas said nervously and stared at Lola’s hand and back at Shane. 

“Go ahead,” Shane whispered. 

Jas gingerly took Lola’s hand and gave it one shake, withdrawing quickly. 

“I.. uh.. I brought grapes and bread for you,” Lola motioned to the food she had laid out. 

“Thank you,” Jas whispered. 

_Fuck fuck fuck fuck I’ve already fucked this up._

“I… um… I also brought you some books. Your uncle told me that you love to read,” Lola tried again, this time with a lie, and reached into her backpack to hand Jas the picture books she had brought. Jas’ eyes widened at the sight of hardcover books, and she practically grabbed them out of Lola’s hands, as if they were the last pieces of candy on Hallow’s Eve. 

“Easy, kid, why don’t we eat before we start reading?” Shane offered, but Jas was already flipping through the books, oo-ing and ah-ing at the hand-painted illustrations. Shane gently placed his hands on the cover of the books and pulled them away from Jas as she held on softly to keep looking. 

“Uncle Shane will you read to me later?” Jas said, opening a jar of grapes. 

“Sorry, kid, I can’t read Latin.” Shane chuckled. 

“Uhmmm I’m pretty sure those are in English, Shane,” Lola said, half panicking that she had brought the wrong books. 

“This one isn’t,” Shane held up the smaller of the two between his large fingers. Lola looked and realized she had brought her _Latin_ copy of Peter Rabbit. 

“Oh fuck…” Lola whispered. 

Jas gasped. “Professor Lola! That’s a bad word! Miss Penny would take away recess if I ever said that.” 

“Oh, shit, sorry,” Lola said, looking at Shane, who started to laugh at her blunder. 

“Not AGAIN!!” Jas said, this time giggling with her uncle. 

“I.. I’m sorry I’m not used to talking to children,” Lola began to blush. 

“It’s okay, she’s heard a lot worse from me,” Shane laughed again, “Don’t worry, you’re doing great,” he whispered. 

“Well, I’m HUNGRY,” Jas groaned. 

“Okay, let’s see what Aunt Marnie packed for us,” and Shane opened the picnic basket and pulled out a block of fresh cheese, some cold cuts, carrot sticks, and handfuls of candy Jas had no doubt packed herself. Lola smiled as Shane handed every item to Jas so she could arrange it on the blanket. Carefully, Jas placed the candy in the corner closest to her and set up the bread, cold cuts, and cheese in a makeshift sandwich making station. 

Lola watched affectionately how Shane smiled when talking to his goddaughter. The way he called her kid, and told her to be careful, and tucked her hair behind her ears. She couldn’t help but imagine Shane brushing and styling Jas’s hair everyday before school, and the thought alone made her heart swell. 

“Okay, now let’s eat,” Jas announced, clapping her hands together, “Professor Lola, I can make your sandwich because you’re the guest.” 

“You don’t need to call me professor, Jas.” Lola said, with her head resting on her knees. She had curled into a fetal position to take up as little space as possible-- she already felt like she was intruding. 

“But you’re a professor!” 

“I’m not really,” Loa giggled. 

“But everyone _says_ you’re a professor,” Jas said as she folded cold cuts on the bread, “so that makes it true,” she placed the second slice of bread on top decisively. 

“Says who?” Lola said, taking the sandwich and unbending her knees. 

“Says Miss Penny,” Jas said, “She said if enough people say something then it becomes true!” 

Lola shot Shane an incredulous look to which he just shrugged. “Okay, Jas, if you say so. But _you_ don’t need to call me professor. You can just call me Lola, okay?” 

“Okay, Lola,” Jas was already distracted by her own sandwich. 

Shane sat next to Lola, so that their thighs touched, “Thanks for coming,” he smiled, popping a grape in his mouth. 

“I feel like a dog driving a car right now,” Lola whispered. 

“Don’t worry, you’re doing great. She loves reading, and this damn town library doesn’t have enough picture books for her…” 

“Uncle Shane!” 

“Sorry, this, _darn_ town.” 

Jas turned away again, watching the river flow past, still eating. Shane put his arm around Lola’s shoulders, and she immediately stiffened up. 

“Really, in front of Jas? Are we allowed?” she hissed, suddenly feeling dirty. 

“I’m _her_ guardian, remember? We’re allowed. Relax, will you?” Shane pulled her closer, placing a kiss on her hair. 

Lola allowed herself to fall back into Shane’s chest, nibbling on her simple sandwich. She watched the fall leaves rustle in the wind, and allowed herself to feel some sort of relief and Shane gently ran his fingers through her hair. _Is this what ruin looks like?_ Lola thought. It couldn’t be. This felt _too_ good, like a calm before a storm. Something was just around the corner to make her pay for thinking she could ever --- 

‘Ewwwwwww” Jas said, “Uncle Shane you’re gonna get cooties!!” 

Shane laughed and unwound himself from Lola, “Oh yeah? Now I’m gonna give ‘em to you!” and he began to chase Jas down to the river, lifting her up in the air and tickling her. Their laughter made Lola feel guilty for ever asking Shane to stay at her cabin. How could she have separated them? How horrible of a person was she? Tears welled up in her eyes. She couldn’t bear being here any longer, and really wanted to leave right here and right now. _Leave them and let them be happy._ A single tear rolled down her cheek, and she quickly wiped it away. 

“Hey, are you okay?” Shane had returned from the river shore, where Jas kicked her feet, splashing in the shallows as she did before. 

“Ugh, yeah. I’m fine. I’m just thinking that maybe I should head home. Thank you so much for having me,” Lola said quickly standing. 

“Hey, Lola, don’t go, c’mon. We were having such a good time.” 

“I just feel like you would be having a better time if I weren’t here,” Lola shrank into herself. This was not who she was. She was cool and confident and made grown men scared. She cursed at people and was the smartest person in the fucking town. She knew it. But now, she felt so so stupid. She felt like she had failed, and she hadn’t even done anything. 

“We wouldn’t. I promise you. Jas was so happy about the books, remember? And I asked you here, okay? I wouldn’t have done that if I didn’t want you to spend the day with us,” Shane reasoned with her, recognizing her doubt as his own when they first starting hanging out. 

“Promise?” 

“I promise. So why don’t you come down to the shore with us?” 

Lola nodded, and they walked to where Jas was playing. The three of them spent the next hour splashing in the river, reveling in the sound of Jas’ laughter. They looked for shiny stones for Jas’ collection, even finding some arrowheads to show to the librarian. When Jas tired of the water, Shane carried her back to the picnic blanket where he dried her feet and helped her back into her shoes. While the day was warm, the approaching night brought the fall chill, and they made their way back to the ranch. 

\-- 

“Thank you so much for the books, Lola!” Jas said, smiling at her new picture books, “I can’t wait to read these with Miss Penny on monday!” she practically squealed, as Marnie pushed her to bathtime. 

“I can take care of the rest, Shane, you walk Lola home,” Marnie smiled at them, “and thank you so much for coming, Lola.” 

Shane took Lola’s hand and they began their walk back to her farm. 

\-- 

“Shane, I don’t know if I can do this,” her voice panicked as they stood on her porch. She shook from the cold and the nerves. 

“You did great. There’s nothing more I could’ve asked for you to do.” 

“Yeah, but there’s more I’ll need to do if this keeps happening,” Lola said, realizing the gravity of a fucking kid. 

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean, I don’t think I could be her _mother_. I can barely take care of myself. I don’t know how to be a parent.” 

Shane scoffed, “And you think I do?” 

“Well, yeah, you’re amazing with her. She loves you,” she shrugged and looked away. 

“She loves me because she has no one else, Lola!” 

Lola was stunned. 

“Her parents-- my friends-- my _best_ fucking friends in the world died, and that’s how I got her,” Shane’s face began to break. 

Silently, she opened the door, and let Shane inside. They sat on her floor as Lola started lighting matches into her fireplace. After some silence, she said, “I’m sorry, Shane.” 

“Me fucking too.” 

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked. 

“Do you have any wine left?” 

Lola shook her head, “Let’s smoke instead,” and she walked to her room. Shane heard her open her drawer and close it again. She returned with a glass pipe and some green clusters. It stank. 

“Mugwort?” 

“Weed. Have you ever tried?” 

“In college, yeah.” 

They split the bowl, the paced inhaling and exhaling calming Shane down. He began to speak again. “I met them in college,” he said, staring at the ceiling, “at one of those stupid fucking parties I went to before I dropped out.” Lola’s chest tightened. She had just assumed he and everyone else had a bachelor’s degree. 

“What were their names?” 

Shane swallowed, staring at the roaring fire, “Claudia and Julian.” He said the names as if he hadn’t said them in a thousand years. 

“What were they like?” Lola pulled Shane’s head onto her lap. 

“They were great-- I met Claude first and she was amazing-- beautiful, funny, a lot like you. I even tried picking her up, until Julian-- Jules came up to us and diffused the tension.” 

“Was he mad?” 

“You would think he would be with me obviously hitting on his girlfriend, but he just laughed and apologized for her. He said, sorry, kid, you’re too late, and then instead of kicking my ass-- he asked me how I was doing. Like he knew if someone liked Claudia, he would like theim. It was bizarre. I was so used to these roid raged guys on the gridball team ready to attack, but he was just so nice… and in a way, they adopted me. They were a full year older and they.. You know--.” 

“Taught you how to do college?” 

“I mean they really tried, didn’t they? They were both studying to be teachers and they insisted I was smart. Like they really insisted, gave me tests like I was some sort of experiment. And there I was thinking I was lucky to even be there-- with a sports scholarship and I was just there to party and get away from my folks, but they were like my _parents._ ” 

“How so?” 

Shane laughed, thinking back, “Jules made me buy a planner-- taught me how to build my schedule and study. Claude would bring me food in my dorm to make sure I was eating enough, and they… they were always just so fucking proud of me.” Lola stroked Shane’s hair as he continued, “It wasn’t until my junior year did it happen.” 

“They died?” 

“No… Jules got sick… bone cancer. And Claude was already pregnant with Jas at that time. They got married crazy young… and,” Lola could feel Shane’s tears on her thigh, “and we found out at a party. I saw Jules sobbing into Claude’s shoulder, and I just stood there creating extra tension-- ingested too much poison, I guess.” 

“What happened to Claude?” 

“Aw… jeez… Claude... “ Shane sniffed, “Jules was able to see Jas when she was born, but he died shortly after, and Claude, well… she didn’t take it well. She couldn’t even hold Jas without crying, without seeing Jules in her tiny little face, and she just… just wasted away until one day she didn’t come home-- car crash. Drove into oncoming traffic,” Shane let out a sob. 

“I’m so sorry, Shane…” she whispered, but Shane continued to cry, not being able to stop as the weed trapped him in a cycle of despair. Lola held him, hands in his hair, rocking him back and forth, shushing him like a baby. “It’s okay now. Jas has you and you have Jas.” 

Shane sniffed and held her tight, “And I have you, too.” 

Lola’s stomach tightened. Yes, apparently, he had her too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whooo that was a doozy. Took some of Shane's lines from Jeff Rosenstock's "I'm Serious, I'm Sorry." Depressing AF. Next chapter won't be as long, but buckle up for some more of whatever the fuck this is. 
> 
> I'm starting to feel like something is missing, and while I'm writing this for fun, I do want this to be GOOD so please let me know any notes of improvement, etc. Tell your friends who like SDV and Greco-Roman culture to read and kudos 
> 
> Gratias vobis ago


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> three chapters in one day??? who am I???? Some heart events and angst. Sorry I can't do happy stuff because my soul is too dark, but happiness will come eventually. I just love the *~*~*~drama *~*~*~*~
> 
> TW: Suicide

Shane had his good days and his bad days. The past few had been remarkably good, but waking up from his drugged out sleep, remembering the walk down memory lane from the night before made today remarkably bad. Yes, he wanted Lola to meet Jas. No, he didn’t plan on telling her about Jas’ parents-- but how could he not? Lola was just as scared of being a parent as he was, and he envied that she still had a way out. _Thank God I’m off today,_ he thought, getting up from his twin sized mattress. He glanced at his mini fridge, still stocked with beer, and he shuddered. _Not until tonight, after Jas was asleep._ He needed to pretend for Jas, if anything. 

He got dressed in his jeans and usual beat up polo, and made his way to the bathroom where he splashed water on his face. He couldn’t bring himself to shower, even if he did smell like some hippie’s dorm room, he didn’t care. Looking at his reflection, he shuddered. Bags under his eyes, almost gray skin-- he couldn’t believe he was the same person playing in the freezing cold river from yesterday with his girlfriend (?) and goddaughter. Daughter? He couldn’t decide. Jules and Claude of course would have insisted on dropping the “god,” but like Lola, Shane was afraid of parenthood. 

Shane made his way into the kitchen, where Marnie was frying eggs, and toasting the rest of Lola’s bread from the day before. Jas was already sitting down, reading one of her new books. _Fuck, I didn’t read to her last night. I’m the fucking worst._

“Shanie, can I get you any breakfast?” Marnie asked with a smile plastered on her face. She was ecstatic when Shane had his good days, but they both knew that the other shoe was about to drop. His empty eyes looked at her as he nodded yes, desperate for eggs, and Marnie’s face fell. Another bad day. And he was doing so well, too. 

“Uncle Shane, can you read this to me?” Jas asked him, yoke dripping down her chin. 

Shane willed the energy into his arm to wipe to yoke off his goddaughter’s face, “It depends, what language is it in?” 

“Latin.” 

Shane groaned. Marnie let out a laugh. 

“Sorry, kid, you gotta ask Miss Penny for that one. I can read you any other book in English, though.” 

“Why can’t you just learn Latin and teach me?” Jas asked, as if it were the easiest thing in the world. 

“Because I’m too busy right now, but maybe Professor Lola can help you.” 

“Would she read to me?” Jas’s eyes widened, almost breaking Shane’s heart. 

“We’ll see, kid,” and he stuffed his face with bread and eggs, thinking that Claude and Jules would have just told him to learn Latin himself. Why? Because he, according to them, could. He was sure that they would be wrong, but he knew there was something he could do, so he turned to Marnie, “What do you need done today?” 

With quiet understanding she said, “Can you milk the cows and tend to the chickens?” 

“I wanna do the chickens!” Jas whined, looking up from her pictures. 

“You gotta go to school today. It’s monday. We can do the chickens together this weekend.” 

\-- 

Shane sat on the floor of his, well, Marnie’s, chicken coop trying to guide his favorite. “Come’ere, Charlie,” he said, letting the chicken step onto his thighs. Charlie, or more formally, Charlotte, was a chick when Shane and Jas first moved a whole five years ago. She was old now, but still acted more like a dog than a bird. He cradled her in his arms like a baby. No other chicken in the coop wanted to be handled like this, but Charlie demanded it, always walking up to Shane and squawking until he finally gave her attention. Now, she snuggled into his hoodie, feeling the warmth from his chest. It was a weird thing, cuddling with a chicken, but it made Shane feel less useless. It almost made him not want to drink. Almost, but again, today was especially bad. Claude and Jules were everywhere-- and they weren’t their usual selves. They were disappointed in him. In him dropping out, in him constantly drinking, in him not being able to take care of himself, let alone their daughter. It was an emotion they never showed to Shane while they were alive, but he had instead imagined it years after they had died. He used that imagined feeling to punish himself again and again for every wrong thing he ever did. Smoking last night wasn’t necessarily wrong, but he felt like he had rushed Lola into this. Scared her off with his own baggage when she had so much of her own bullshit to deal with. “She doesn’t need a kid right now, she needs therapy,” he said to Charlie. 

Charlie looked up to him as if to say, “Speak for yourself.” 

“I don’t need therapy, Charlie, I need a fucking drink.” 

Charlie’s eyes bore into Shane’s skull. 

“Don’t look at me like that.” 

The chicken continued to look up at him. 

“C’mon, I’ve been so good this weekend. Not a single drip” 

Charlie tucked her head back into Shane’s chest. 

\-- 

Marnie insisted that Shane take the rest of the day off, that he looked like hell, but he needed a distraction. He needed something to do with his hands or they’d find their way to his mini fridge full of beer. It was 10am. He had to wait until 5pm until it was socially acceptable to drink. But who cared about social acceptability? _Marnie_ had insisted he relax, so why shouldn’t he have a beer? The carbonated beverage hissed as he cracked it open. He was relieved, and exhaled with the hiss of alcohol. _Just one,_ he thought. 

\-- 

The next thing Shane knew, cold water was being poured on his face. He had more than just one. He looked up to see the concerned faces of Manie and Lola. Her lips were drawn in a straight, unmoving line, and Marnie was screaming. 

“Drunk? In the middle of the day, Shane?” 

He said nothing. He looked to Lola, but she covered her mouth with her hands. She seemed so far away, but close enough to touch. It was like he was looking at her through a window. 

“Shane, what’s the matter with you? Don’t you have a plan? Don’t you ever think about the future?” Marnie was sobbing through her screams. 

“Plan?” he said, only moving his eyes to meet his aunt, “Hopefully I won’t be around long enough to need a ‘plan.’” 

Jas stood by the doorway, crying silently. Marnie chased after her, shouting her name. 

“Jas… I’m sorry,” he muttered, and looked up to meet Lola’s eyes. 

“I… I should go. I’m sorry,” and she left, leaving Shane to his own black hole. 

Lola ran out crying. _My fault,_ she thought, _this is all my fucking fault. If we could just exist as two sober people for one fucking night…_ She stopped herself. It was a conditional statement with no bearing. No way of knowing if the future was more or less vivid. She had to stop herself before she spiraled. She took a deep breath in, and out. Her exhale shaking as he stood outside Marnie’s ranch. How could she think that she could be Shane’s girlfriend? When she was like this and he was… like that. She was so wrapped up in herself and her own worries, she couldn’t see Shane suffer and fall apart right in front of her. And after he had held and comforted her all those times-- she couldn’t even sit by him as he watched his life fall from beneath him. She had to go back inside. It was the least she could do. So she opened the door, and saw Marnie’s pale face. 

“He’s gone,” she said. 

“What?” 

“I was just going to ask if you could watch Jas while I went out to look for him.” 

“Marnie, you can’t-- “ 

“He shouldn’t be alone right now, you know that, right?” 

“Yeah but--” 

“So you know how serious this is. I’m taking the truck, and you stay with Jas. Call Dr. Harvey if he finds his way back. Actually, call Dr. Harvey now and--” 

“Marnie, I’m coming with you.” 

“But Jas--” 

“She’ll be fine, let’s go.” 

“Lola, with all due respect--” 

“Marnie, I’m fucking coming with you.” 

Marnie sighed, “Okay. Jas, I need you to stay here and be extra good. We’re going to get Shane.” 

Jas nodded. 

“Don’t open the door for anyone except Shane or Dr. Harvey, okay?” 

“Won’t about Leah?” 

“Just-- Call me first if someone knocks, okay?” 

“Okay.” 

Marnie and Lola climbed into her red truck, and she revved the engine on. She was trembling, but she kept her breaths long and even as she pulled out of the driveway and into the forest. “Any idea where he’d go?” she asked. 

Lola closed her eyes, thinking of a clue, something-- anything that Shane would have said in their nights together to hint of a special place. 

“Umm. I don’t know, the dock?” 

Marnie drove there first, and Lola jumped out to check, but he was nowhere to be found. “Not here?” 

“Nope.” 

“Lola, I’m going to ask you a serious question, and please don’t take it the wrong way,” Marnie said staring at the dock in front of her. 

“Go ahead.” 

“If you wanted to kill yourself, here, in Pelican Town, where would you go?” she seemed to look directly into Lola’s soul. She had worried about if Marnie knew about how broken she was, and at that moment, she knew she did-- no, she understood she did. And there existed an understanding, a knowledge between two people that could only exist when someone else really recognizes the pain you’re in. Marnie understood Shane, so Marnie understood Lola. 

Lola closed her eyes, thinking of her own past attempts. “Somewhere high. Easy, but a long walk in case I changed my mind.” 

“Got it,” and Marnie began to drive uphill, and didn’t stop until she reached the top of a hill in Cindersap Forest. 

“He’s not here,” Lola was scared. 

“He will be, let’s just wait in the truck, okay?” 

They sat in the front seat in dreadful silence, waiting for a drunken Shane to stumble to the top. Marnie parked behind a tree, where they could keep an eye on the edge, but not immediately be seen by a drunk Shane. 

“Have you had to do this before?” Lola asked, afraid to take her eyes away from the edge of the cliff. 

“Only once, but that was with his father.” 

“Father like son?” Lola asked, trying to inject some levity into the situation. 

Marnie turned to Lola sharply and said, “Shane is nothing like that piece of shit father. He’s--” 

“He’s here,” Lola and Marnie watched as Shane collapsed by the cliffs, beer in hand. He had been drinking his walk up. 

“Go.” 

Lola slowly walked up to Shane, lying on the ground, sobbing into the grass. 

“Shane…” she knelt by him, her hand on his back. 

“My life… it’s a pathetic joke… look at me… why do I even try? I’m too small and stupid to take control of my life… I’m just a piece of soiled garbage fluttering in the wind… and here’s a chance to finally take control of my life… these cliffs… But I’m too scared, too anxious, just like always… all I wanna do is drink to dull the feelings of self-hatred… Lola… tell me why I should go on. Tell me why I shouldn’t just roll off these cliffs right now…” he burped and sobbed into the dirt beneath him. 

“Because you wouldn’t die,” Lola said. 

“Wha--?” 

“These cliffs… they’re not high enough up to kill you. You’d just be maimed at best… becoming more of a burden than you could ever imagine,” Lola whispered, “But the choice is yours. Just know I’ll be here for whatever you choose. 

“Lola, what the fuck--” 

“Do you still want to roll off?” 

“No.. but…ugh, you’re right…” Shane held onto Lola’s arms, trying to bring himself to his feet. “Lola?” 

“Yeah?” 

“I think you should bring me to a hospital now…”


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continuation of the heart events

“I’ve pumped his stomach and rehydrated his body,” Lola heard Harvey say to Marnie as they sat in the waiting clinic waiting room, “It’s good that you brought him in, too much alcohol is terrible for the body.” 

Marnie nodded. 

Lola stared straight ahead, trying not to glare at Harvey. 

“He’s gonna be okay, but I’m mostly worried about his mental health.” 

“Are you fucking serious?” Lola breathed, barely audible. 

“When he wakes up we’ll talk about some treatment options. I know an excellent counselor in ZuZu City,” Harvey looked at Lola when he said the word “counselor,” and her cheeks burned.

“Thank you, doctor,” Marnie whispered. 

“I think the two of you need to get some rest, and get back to Jas. She shouldn’t be alone for this long.” Marnie had called the ranch and had Jas on the phone since they got there, just to make sure nothing happened. Luckily, her cellphone had a mute button, which spared Jas from the grisly details of Shane’s episode. 

“Can I drive you back, Lola?” Marnie asked, her hand gently on Lola’s arm. For the first time, she didn’t pull away and instead placed her hand over Marnie’s and squeezed. 

“I better stay here,” Lola couldn’t leave Shane again, not after her abandonment before this whole thing happened. 

Marnie’s hand slipped away and she closed the door behind her. 

“Can I see him?” Lola asked. 

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Lola,” Harvey responded, his eyes full of pity. 

“Please, it’s my fault. I need to apologize.” 

“Lola, it’s not your--” he began, but she had walked past him to the back room where Shane was staying. She peaked her head in, looking at Shane, his chest barely moving from breath. Harvey stood behind her, wondering if he should place his hand on her shoulder. Wondering if Lola needed a shoulder to cry on. 

“It is… you’re right. I enable him. I drink with him, and I smoke with him because it’s too painful and awkward for both of us to be sober at the same time,” tears started falling from her cheeks, and she turned to face Harvey, “Can I sit with him, please?” 

Harvey barely managed a nod. 

Lola walked behind the curtain and sat on the edge of the hospital bed. She cupped his cheek with her hand, trying to wipe her tears with the other so as to not wake him up. She thought of the first time she was able to watch him sleep and he seemed like some sort of demi-god to her. So big and so strong, taking up most of her bed, and she was just a mortal stealing glances at him while he didn’t know. Now, he looked so small and weak, face pale, and stinking of hospital. She placed her lips on her forehead, and then touched her forehead to his. Her lips could feel the gentle breath escape from his nose and mouth and she whispered, “I love you.” 

She felt Harvey’s hands gently pull her off of Shane’s body, “You need to go get some rest now, Lola. Now more than ever.” 

“No… No, I can’t leave him again,” this time she began to sob and didn’t pull away when Harvey held her. She didn’t wrap her arms around him, but instead let herself be surrounded by his arms and chest, allowing herself to feel held. 

“You’ve done the most that you could for him…” he cradled her skull in his hand, “And it isn’t your fault. He’s been sick. He was like this before you came, you know.” 

“I… I know,” Lola trembled, “But you said that we--” 

“I know what I said,” he tightened his arms around her, “but you obviously care a lot about him, and--- he cares about you…” those words felt like daggers on Harvey’s tongue. 

Lola nodded into his chest. 

“You better go home now, okay?” 

“Okay.” 

“I would drive you, but I need--” 

“I know--” and Lola pulled away from Harvey’s grip, his fingertips lingering on her sides, “I can walk. I’m okay.” 

\-- 

Marnie surprised Lola waiting outside the clinic with her truck, “Coming?” 

“Were you waiting for me? How long was I?” 

“Not long at all,” Marnie started up the engine and it whirred to life, “And don’t worry about Jas, either. I’ve been on the phone with her since we got to the clinic.” 

“T-thank you,” Lola whispered. 

“I didn’t think you should be alone, either,” Marnie said concentrating on the road ahead, “Do you want to stay with us?” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Positive. I know how it feels when Shane gets like this… I mean he hasn’t been this bad in a while, but I’d feel better if you weren’t alone tonight.” 

“Me too,” Lola said, surprising herself with her own honesty. She couldn’t stand Marnie’s happy small talk at the ranch, and her plastered smile, but her stoic and even tempered driving back to the ranch was just what she needed to be around. Marnie seemed like a mountain to Lola, un-moveable with a quiet strength. 

“Great, I can set you up in Shane’s room, or you can sleep on the couch.” 

“I’ll take the couch,” not sure if she could handle being in Shane’s room right now. 

“Of course.” 

They drove home in a pregnant silence. Marnie’s eyes surreptitiously looking at Lola to see if she was okay, but not more than a half a second from the road. Having almost never spoken before this-- they felt bound together in Shane’s storm. They had a bond that could only be formed by trauma, but with that trauma came a sense of appreciation for the other person. _Finally, someone gets the shit I’ve been going through. I’m not crazy._ Marnie parked in front of her ranch, and they both went inside. Jas was awake in the living room, clutching her teddy bear, by the landline. 

“Hey, missy,” Marnie smiled and hung up the phone, “Uncle Shane is really sick right now so he’s gonna be with Dr. Harvey until the morning, okay?” 

Jas nodded, her bottom lip trembling. 

“He’s gonna be okay.” 

“Did you make Dr. Harvey promise?” 

Marnie paused in the way you pause before lying to a child, “Yes, he pinky swore that Uncle Shane would be okay. Now let’s get ready for bed,” Marnie turned to Lola and said, “I have some spare sheets in my room, just make yourself at home.” 

“Thank you,” and Lola scurried herself away into Marnie’s room, pulling out bed sheets and spare pillows from the linen closet. They smelled of mothballs and wood, reminding Lola of storage units in the country. She made her bed on the couch and overheard Marnie talking to Jas. 

“Can you read to me, please Aunt Marnie?” 

“I… I can’t right now, Jas. I will in just two minutes, okay? I just need to go to the bathroom,” Lola heard Marnie’s voice break. Today had been too much for all of them, and Lola stepped towards Jas’s room. 

“I can read to Jas, Marnie.” 

Marnie turned around, surprised at hearing her voice. Now with her face away from Jas, she was able to let one tear down her cheek, quickly wiping it away. She said nothing except giving Lola’s hand a single squeeze as she walked past her. It was a silent thank you. 

“Hey, Jas,” Lola whispered, sitting on the edge of the little girl’s bed, “What do you want me to read to you?” 

“C-- can you read the new books you got me?” she pulled her covers up to her chin, as if hiding from a monster. 

“Of course!” Lola managed a smile, “and you don’t need to be scared.” 

Jas released her tiny fists from her covers but still leaned away from Lola, “The book is over there,” she pointed to her own bookshelf filled with blocks and other toys as well as books. 

“Okay, let’s start,” Lola opened _Winnie the Pooh_ and brought up her teacher voice, showing Jas each picture after reading each page. She even did different voices for each character, drawing a smile from Jas’s lips. Lola hadn’t read to a child like this before, but when she was a teacher she valued the use of emotion for the sake of comprehension. Even college students needed to be silly sometimes. And Lola and Jas sunk into a rhythm of reading and pointing, until Jas’s eyes began to close and she sunk under her blanket, still clutching her teddy bear. “Good night,” Lola whispered. She got up and left, shutting the lights and leaving the door a crack open to let the hallway light in. 

When Lola came into the living room, she saw that Marnie was already asleep. She herself was still not able to lie down so she went into Shane’s room, slowly and quietly. She felt like she was entering a crime scene-- everything in the room was untouched. The carpet was still faintly wet from her pouring water on Shane’s unconscious face. On the wall over his bed was a calendar where the last three days were crossed out. The week before were numbers on each day ranging from one to five. Studying the calendar like an archaeologist, Lola realized that Shane was starting to keep track of how many drinks he was having. She got up onto the bed on her knees and flipped through the past two months. Some x’s some numbers. He was trying. He was really trying, and today-- after last night-- he couldn’t try any more. Harvey insisted it wasn’t her fault… but bringing up one of the most painful experiences of his life? And then sending him home? How could she be so stupid? 

She sat down on the bed, bringing her knees to her chest, fetal position, and her eyes caught an empty wine bottle on the window sill. Lola got up and took a closer look. There were dried black-purple droplets trickling to outside his window. Shane was pouring libations-- something he picked up from her, no doubt. But what was he pouring for? Did he think about it that deeply or did he just want to get rid of the wine that he claimed he hated the taste of? Most of the time, a libation was poured as a sacrifice. What was Shane sacrificing? And what did he want for in return. Lola shook her head. She was overthinking this, and she stepped away, taking in the rest of his room. Her eyes landed on his stick of deodorant. She reached for it, opened it, and sniffed, the powdery masculine smell filled her nostrils. It wasn’t quite Shane’s smell, but close to what he wanted to. Nothing other than his actual, corporeal being full of sweat and the smell of hay, could give her the same sense of safety and security. Nothing except maybe his bed, and Lola decided that maybe, she’d feel better surrounded by his sheets. Maybe she could fend off the nightmares with the armor of Shane’s blankets and the memory of him holding her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm BEGGING for comments here because I love attention.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some recovery and love triangle shit

Lola had been working on her farm, but sleeping at Marnie’s for the time Shane was recovering. Harvey had called Marnie to tell her that he thought it was best that Shane be put in an inpatient facility for a suicide attempt. Lola was annoyed that Harvey didn’t call her to tell her the news. It felt as if he was trying to drive a wedge between the two, and that was the last thing Lola wanted. She clung to Shane in his bed each night, and read to his daughter before she went to sleep. She was determined to settle her debts with Marnie, even though Marnie insisted there were no debts to settle. 

“You being here and having him stay with you really did help, you know,” Marnie would say gently as Lola helped with breakfast, “He seemed to be cutting down and wanting to spend more time with Jas.” 

Lola could only manage a small smile before eating the eggs that Shane and Jas had helped cultivate. Marnie preferred them scrambled with a little bit of cheese, but she made a few sunnyside up for Shane, purely out of habit. “He likes his eggs runny with just a bit of crushed red pepper, but I always found it too spicy for me in the morning.” Lola ate the eggs Marnie made for Shane, as no one else would and she didn’t want it to go to waste. Slowly, she felt herself falling into Shane’s place. She slept in his bed, ate his breakfast, and read to his daughter-- but during the day she felt like she was nobody. Just working on a farm, tilling someone else’s fields because she had to. 

It was one of those days when Lola was watering her crops early in the morning did Harvey pay her a visit. It was Sunday-- almost a week since Shane had his episode. Lola had lost track of all the days passing her by. She felt like she was nothing, and she felt like she was going nowhere, just existing on the farm during the day, and turning into Shane at night. Well, she wasn’t exactly Shane. She felt like she was too small for the hole he left behind. She still didn’t know how to talk to Jas without a book in her hand, and she certainly wasn’t strong enough to be chopping the wood to help Marnie prepare for the winter. Not that she wasn’t able to, but that she couldn’t prepare two households worth of firewood. Maybe no one could and she was being too hard on herself as Marnie insisted, but she still felt like she had to try. 

“Didn’t mean to interrupt your farming, Professor,” Harvey smiled shielding his eyes from the autumn sun, “would you like to reschedule for another day?” 

Lola wordlessly finished up, and walked inside, Harvey followed behind her. 

“Good morning,” he tried again. 

Lola looked at him in the doorway, not letting him inside, both hands on the doorposts. She looked ragged, her hair stringy around her sweaty face, dirt in her glasses, and dirt under her fingernails. For the first time she looked like a _farmer_ and not some professor. 

“Good morning, Harvey,” her stare was similar to her razor sharp one she had at their first session, but he noticed it had dulled. There was a grey cloud surrounding her eyes. Lola was beginning to sink.

“Can I come inside?” 

Lola turned around and walked to her kitchen, pouring herself a glass of water. She didn’t offer Harvey any. Harvey sat at their usual spot, book in hand-- this time it was Ovid-- and looked at her expectantly. His teacher just sat across from him, legs splayed beneath her as she slouched in her chair-- elbow on the table, sipping her water. 

“Lola… we don’t have to do Latin if you can’t right now,” 

Her eyes shot up from her water to Harvey and narrowed, “I can always _do_ Latin.” 

“Yes, but maybe we don’t have to, and it’ll be easier.” 

Lola just gestured for the book, and Harvey obliged, handing it over. “What do you want to read today?” 

“I marked the myth of Arachne.” 

Lola snorted, “A woman punished for being good at what she does.” 

“Do you relate to that in any way?” 

She slammed the book shut, “Do you want to have a therapy session or do you wanna read some fucking Latin because last time I checked, you aren’t licensed in either field,” her words stung, but it relieved Harvey. _Good, she’s still here._

“Let’s read some Latin,” Harvey smiled. He wanted to reach across the table and hold Lola’s hand. He knew she was hurting-- watching Shane like that had to be difficult. But she had brought it on herself in a way… or had she? Perhaps Harvey was jumping to conclusions. 

Lola began, “tum secum: 'laudare parum est, laudemur et ipsae/ numina nec sperni sine poena nostra sinamus,” her voice started to break, but she continued, “Maeoniaeque animum fatis intendit Arachnes, / quam sibi lanificae non cedere laudibus artis-- “ 

Harvey saw her start to tear up at the final spondee. He reached out across the table, his fingers barely touching the back of Lola’s hand, “It’s okay,” he whispered. 

She looked up and let the tears fall down her cheeks, “I--I’m sorry I don’t know what came over me.” 

“It’s okay, you had a rough couple of days.” 

“Yeah, you would know.”

“He’s gonna be okay, you know that…” 

“I know, there’s just a lot of other stuff too,” 

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

“I don’t think you’d understand,” she could barely stop crying. 

“Okay, we don’t have to talk. How about I make you some lunch?” 

“It’s barely after 8am,” she giggled. 

“Good soup takes time,” Harvey squeezed her hand from across the table. 

Lola looked at him incredulously. _the fuck?_

“C’mon, take a shower and wash off all that dirt. Then we can read some Latin together,” he managed a smile. 

“Sure. Yeah. Okay,” Lola said, finally pulling her hand away and standing up, “I’m gonna go shower.” 

\-- 

Lola had to walk from her bathroom in her towel because she didn’t plan ahead, unfortunately, or fortunately for Harvey. Why was she hesitating? He was a doctor. He had seen a naked woman before. And if she walked quickly, he might not even notice. Inhaling like she was about to take a dive into a swimming pool, she opened the door and started walking as quickly as she could, praying that she wouldn’t slip. The creaky hinges on her bathroom door, however had other plans, and screeched open catching Harvey’s attention. So there she was in the middle of her kitchen, dripping wet from her shower-- her soaking wet hair like snakes on her shoulders-- face to face with Harvey. 

_He’s just doing this to get into your pants, you know,_ Shane’s voice rang in her head as she saw Harvey’s cheeks and nose turn a bright shade of red. His green eyes widened as he traced the outline of her body from her forehead to her shins. Water droplets still clung to her exposed shoulders, darkened by the sun even through her shirts. He tried to focus on her ankles, but he was embarrassed to let his eyes stay in one place for too long. Her arms were pressed tight against her body, clutching the towel in place. Harvey opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. 

“I.. um… sorry. I forgot to bring a new set of clothes with me in the shower,” she stammered, and padded off to her bedroom, shutting the door behind her. _Get! Your! Shit! Together!_ Lola slapped herself in the face with each word, rushing to put some clothes on once she was dry. 

Once clothed, Lola urged herself to sit in her kitchen, and read some goddamn Latin. Harvey was sitting in his usual spot, face still red from the sight in the kitchen. 

“Feeling better?” Harvey didn’t take his eyes up from the text in front of him. 

“I am, yeah,” Lola said, resting her chin on her hand, “it was a good idea. I was feeling gross and tired.” 

“Do you wanna talk?” 

“About what?” 

“Whatever you’d like,” Harvey shrugged. 

“Let’s read. Not Arachne, though. I’m in the mood for something Medieval.” 

“Proba?” 

“It’s about time, isn’t it?” Lola smiled, feeling like herself again. 

\-- 

Havey started coming every other day, mostly in the afternoon when the clinic was closed. He brought her food, and asked her if she needed any help on the farm. He even offered to chop firewood, to which Lola almost said yes. They didn’t read everyday, but Harvey would sometimes read to her on the couch. He convinced her to let him fix that, placing a piece of wood under the center so it could hold some weight. It wasn’t that she didn’t think of that, or wasn’t capable-- she just couldn’t bring herself to do anything that wasn’t absolutely necessary. Having Harvey there-- having him being there, when no one else could-- reminded Lola of herself. She was no longer trying to exist in Shane’s empty space at the ranch, but she was still able to exist in her own space, as long as she wasn’t alone. It was in loneliness when she lost herself. She didn’t know who she was without someone to yell at, someone to take care of-- mostly because she never quite trained herself to do those things to herself. Yell at herself, yes. But taking care of herself? She was hopeless. If it weren’t for Harvey’s and Marnie’s constant prodding, she would have forgotten to eat. Maybe she should’ve gone into inpatient with Shane-- she certainly felt like her life was slipping away from her fingers like sand-- but she convinced herself it wasn’t that bad. 

“I wanted to ask you something, Lola,” Harvey’s voice trailed, closing the book he was reading. It was about 3, and Lola was expected at the ranch for dinner. She hated being an extra mouth to feed but Marnie insisted, and she started getting attached to Jas. 

“Hmm?” 

“Were you and Shane…?” 

“An item? I dunno,” Lola lied. She certainly had hoped that she and Shane were an item. You don’t kiss and cry someone in a hospital bed you weren’t dating, did you? 

“Jas said that you two were best friends… I just wasn’t sure if there was anything romantic happening.” 

_Oh no._ Shane was right. Lola sat in an uncomfortable silence. 

“I just-- it didn’t make sense to me, you know? You’re so smart and he-- he dropped out of college, did you know that?” 

“Yes, I did. To take care of Jas.” 

“Yes, yes, of course,” Harvey rubbed his chin, feeling a tinge of guilt, “I guess I just wanted to know how you felt about me…” 

“We’re friends, Harvey.” Lola said matter of factly, “I thought that’s what you said you wanted.” 

“I did, but have you ever thought about something more? In the future maybe?” 

_Hopefully I won’t be here long enough to need a plan._

“I’m a wreck, Harvey, you know that.” 

“But you’ve gotten better! You haven’t been drinking-- not that I’ve seen-- and you seem to be taking your medication.” 

She was. In that sense, Harvey was right. 

“And… even if you weren’t doing better… I’d still want to help you get there…” Harvey looked directly at her. 

“I thought… I thought you were being my friend…” Lola whispered. 

“I- I am! Or I was! But you can’t deny that I’ve _helped_ you, Lola. And Shane--” 

“I don’t owe you anything,” the words slipped through her teeth. 

“I’m not saying you do, I’m just trying to tell you how I feel…” Harvey inhaled. Lola could swear she could feel his heart beat from across the couch. 

“And how do you feel, Harvey?” She couldn’t bear to look at him. 

“I feel… that you’re far too good for Shane. You basically have a PhD. You’re young and smart and beautiful, and you deserve to be with someone who can really nurture that,” Harvey closed his eyes and exhaled. 

Lola looked around, almost trying to find a hidden camera, “Y--you’re--- what the fuck? You’re my _doctor_.” 

“I know, I know. I’m not saying that someone should be me but--” 

“You pumped my boyfriend’s stomach from alcohol poisoning, sent him to some inpatient facility in the city, and now you’re telling me you want to _fuck_ me?” 

“N-no, Lola, that’s not what I’m saying.” 

“Then enlighten me, please.” 

“I- I.. Listen. I care about you as a friend, Lola. Do I wish we were more than friends? Of course, I mean… _look at you_. But after seeing you cry that night with Shane… I don’t like seeing anyone in that much pain, Lola. And I can’t help but to feel that Shane _put_ you through that. He put you through so much fucking pain. And… and when I came here the first Sunday after the fact… it was like you were a shadow of who you were. Just so tired, and scared, and you couldn’t stop _crying_ , Lola.” 

Lola wanted to tell him to shut the fuck up. To scream and yell like a teenager. _You don’t understand, DAD!! I LOVE him!_ But she was too self aware to do that. In a way she knew she was wrong for being so close to Shane, for enabling him, for having a space where they enabled each other. So she just said, “I’ve been reading to Jas every night, you know.” 

“Sounds serious.” 

“And… and she talks about Shane like he’s her superhero. Because he is… He took care of her when no one else could and--” 

“Lola, Marnie takes care of Jas. You can’t convince yourself that Shane is good for you or her. She’s just saying that because--” 

“You don’t know him like I do, Harvey.” There it was, just short of a tantrum, if she let it. But instead she just stood up, and showed him the door. 

\-- 

Lola read to Jas again that night. This time the little girl snuggled up to her-- no longer afraid of the professor north of the ranch. Jas was able to sound out some words, and delighted in her progress with electric smiles. 

“When is Uncle Shane coming home, Lola?” 

“Soon, Jas… very soon.” 

“Aunt Marnie said it would just be two or three more days.” 

“Really?” Lola was surprised-- it had felt like ages without Shane, but it had only been about ten days. _Ten days..._

“Uhuh…” Jas yawned, snuggling into her covers, gripping her teddy bear, “Good night, Lola. Don’t let the bed bugs bite.” 

“Good night, Jas,” Lola smiled, “Sweet dreams.” 

Lola closed the door like she had done so many nights before and walked into Shane’s room. She cried herself to sleep because his bed had lost his scent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally cannot stop thinking and talking about this fic. I'm having a lot of fun with it, and almost nothing is planned or edited, I'm just trying to go with the flow. I do have some more drama planned in the coming chapters because Shane's gotta come home eventually... And what will Harvey do? Idk?!?!? Let me know what you want, because I haven't thought that far ahead.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane comes home from inpatient

Lola woke up to rustling in the living room of Marnie’s ranch. Worried that someone had broken in, she got up to look to see. She had started wearing Shane’s old t-shirts to bed, trying to find his scent in his room. A scent she dearly missed-- a scent she didn’t know would bring up so many emotions after the first time they shared a plate of pepper poppers at the saloon. Once in the living room, she saw Shane standing by the doorway. He was wearing his hood pulled over his head, shoulders slumped as he pulled the door closed. 

“Shane?” Lola whispered. Before he could turn around fully she ran up to him and wrapped her arms around him. 

“Hey,” he whispered into her hair, “What are you doing here?” 

“I’ve been staying with Marnie and Jas to help…” she buried her face into his chest, “I’ve missed you so much,” she said. 

“Me too,” he squeezed his arms around her, “I’m sorry that all happened.” 

“No, no, Shane, I’m sorry, I should have never--” 

“It’s not, Lola… I told you… you could never ruin me.” 

“How are you feeling now?” 

“I’m tired. I took the late bus back because I couldn’t stand being in that place anymore.” 

“The hospital?”

“Yeah… inpatient is no joke. For a place where they’re trying to get people to not kill themselves-- it’s fucking depressing. So when they finally discharged me today I fucking booked it.” 

“I’m glad you’re here now,” Lola smelled him. He didn’t quite smell like hay, but the sweat from the heated bus ride was enough. 

\-- 

After Shane was able to peel himself away from Lola’s arms, he took a shower. Jas and Marnie were heavy sleepers so they’d be able to be surprised in the morning. Getting out of the hospital, finally, he cried out of pure joy. It was the closest thing he had ever felt to being released from prison, or at least that’s how he imagined it. Outside of the hospital he hated being watched. He hated Marnie watching him with pity. He hated Harvey watching him with hatred and concern. And most of all, he hated Jas watching him, waiting for him to fail or disappear, or both. And in the hospital, when you were there for attempted suicide, you were always being watched. The doctors, the nurses, the therapists-- all watching you and taking notes. They kept track of what you ate, how you ate it, and how much you ate it. They took away pens and other vaguely sharp objects-- they even took away his belt, which surprised him, as he never thought about hanging himself, just drinking himself to death. But his pants were still held up by plastic bracelets as he raced out of there with his plastic bag full of mental hospital contraband as swift as he could. 

He enjoyed the actual water pressure from the shower head, and having the option to shave without several nurses watching him. He even did shave right after his shower, relishing the feeling of cold metal on his chin-- something he didn’t know he could miss. Once he was satisfied with himself, he went into his room, surprised to see Lola in his bed, half-asleep. He dried himself off and climbed into bed, gently climbing over her. 

“Do you mind me sleeping here?” Lola whispered, more awake than Shane had anticipated, “I could move to the couch.” 

“No, I don’t mind at all…” he said. 

“Good,” and she wrapped her arms and legs around him, not wanting to let go. 

“Lola, I can’t sleep like this--” 

“Oh sorry,” she unraveled herself and rolled over, “I should give you some space.” 

“It’s okay…” he said, but she was already asleep. 

\-- 

Marnie woke up and made the biggest breakfast she could manage on her own. Shane was finally home, so she made his favorites-- pancakes with extra butter-- which she of course churned herself. Jas was still asleep, and Shane was trying to help his aunt in the kitchen. 

“Please, just let me do anything. They wouldn’t let me do anything,” he pleaded, forgetting how much he missed metal silverware. 

“Can’t you just sit down and drink your coffee?” 

“No, because that’s all I’ve been doing for the past two weeks.” 

“How about you let me cook and you go wake up Jas. I’m sure she’ll be overjoyed to see you.” 

Shane obliged. He was no good in the kitchen anyway, always preferring to heat things up in the microwave instead of the oven. Cooking was as foreign to him as ever, but he really wanted to delay seeing his goddaughter. What had she thought of him while he was gone? What has the town been saying about him since he left? Did his fucking teacher many any snide comments about her deadbeat dad? But no matter how nervous he was, he opened the door to see Jas’s pale face lit up by the sunbeams coming through her curtains. He sat at the edge of her bed and waited. Thinking, _Will she still love me?_ It was only two weeks but he couldn’t help but to worry that she had forgotten about him. Had Lola or Harvey taken his place? Or had they shown Jas what a real parent looked like and now she didn’t want anything to do with him? 

“Hey, stinky,” he whispered as her eyes fluttered open. 

“Uncle Shane!” she squealed and jumped onto his lap, “Oh Uncle Shane I missed you so so so so much.” 

“Did you?” he said, relieved, “I missed you too.” 

“Yeah! Lola tried helping with the chickens but she’s not nearly as good as it as you are, and she doesn’t know how to play mermaids like you do, but she did read to me.” 

Shane was surprised at the lack of her usual grogginess. He guessed Jas really did miss him. 

She sniffed the air, “Do you smell pancakes?” Jas said. 

“I do, kid. Aunt Marnie is making them right now,” he managed a weak smile, still feeling like a burden.

\-- 

Marnie sat down at the table, pleased with herself and her work. Lola had finally gotten up out of bed and was nursing her cup of coffee directly across from Marnie. Shane and Jas sat on either ends of the table, ready to eat. Marnie passed the plate of pancakes to Lola who helped serve Jas some, as it was too heavy for her to hold on her own. 

“She can do it herself, Lola,” Shane said. His tone was dark and contrasted with Marnie’s joyous air as couldn’t stop smiling. Until now, that is. 

“It’s… ugh kinda heavy,” Lola muttered. 

“How she is gonna learn if you do everything for her?” Shane snapped. 

Jas and Lola looked up at him in unison. Both with a fear in their eyes that only little girls with angry fathers get. And Shane wasn’t usually angry, but his father was, and Jas had seen that. Only at age five did Jas see and understand what male rage looked like-- and she, like Lola, feared it. 

“Shane, Lola was just trying to help..” Marnie tried to diffuse the tension in the air, “We’re just so happy that you’re home now.” 

“Yeah, I am home now, which means Lola doesn’t need to be here,” he said, “Don’t you have anything better to do?” he grumbled. 

“Shane!” Marnie gasped, “She is a _guest_ in our house and has been nothing but helpful since you’ve been away. You cannot talk to her that way!” 

Lola looked down at her pancakes, untouched, “I should go.” 

\-- 

The following afternoon Marnie walked up to the farm and knocked. Lola opened, fully expecting someone else. She was relieved it was Marnie. 

“Hi, Lola, can I come in?” she said. She wasn’t smiling. 

“Uh, yeah, of course,” Lola led her inside her small cabin, now, thanks to Harvey, cleaner than it had been before. Books were still littered across the floor, but none of them were open and thrown against walls. Instead they were in stacks lining the walls. Lola was drinking a cup of tea that had gone cold on the coffee table, “Can I get you anything?” she asked, holding a half empty teacup. 

“No, thanks,” Marnie said quickly, “I just wanted to drop off some cheese for you. I remember Shane and Jas saying how much you liked it on that picnic.” 

Lola’s heart sunk. That picnic seemed ages ago, and now it was almost winter. Too cold to do anything of the sort. And now, Shane seemed to be a completely different person. They had thought that his time in the hospital would make him stronger, better, but instead he was just more closed off than before. 

“I, um, I also wanted to apologize for Shane.” 

Lola’s eyebrows raised as she took a sip of her cold tea, “It isn’t much of an apology if he’s making someone else do it.” 

“You’re right. He doesn’t know I’m here, but I just wanted to really thank you for all the help you’ve been at the ranch-- especially during your first fall here. It must’ve been impossible… and for Shane to talk to you like that at breakfast yesterday… was unacceptable.” 

“Do you know why he did that?” Lola asked, not really expecting an answer but knew if someone in this town understood the inner workings of Shane’s mind, it was Marnie. 

“I think he’s just scared, Lola,” Marnie put a comforting hand on her knee. 

“Scared? Of what? I’m here for him. I’ve always been here for him… I waited for him and--” 

“And that’s exactly what scares him. He’s scared of disappointing you, of disappointing Jas, and-- oh, I don’t know. I must be talking nonsense.” 

Lola didn’t know what to say. It made sense. Shane’s initial fondness of her and his insistence that she meet Jas scared her too. She, on the other hand, tried to work through that fear for him. Or maybe she did it because it was expected of her. “No.. no, you’re not talking nonsense,” Lola shook her head. 

“I think he just needs time.” 

“Did he tell you that?” 

“Not in so many words, no.” 

“What _did_ he tell you?” 

“You don’t want to hear that…” 

“Marnie, I rather know what he’s said than just take your word for it. If he hates me I want to know.” 

“Oh, Lola, he doesn’t hate you.” 

“So what did he say?” 

“He said… that he hopes you never come to the ranch again.” 

Lola was stunned, “Did Jas hear that?” 

“Thankfully, no. But--” 

“And you’re insisting he doesn’t hate me?” 

“I know he doesn’t hate you. I just also know that he gets like this sometimes.” 

“He pushes people away.” 

“Exactly.” 

“That’s not exactly healthy, wouldn’t you say?” 

Marnie looked at her with a knowing glance-- as if she knew something she wasn’t telling. As if she knew that both Harvey and Shane had practically begged to be there for her and she had wanted to turn them both away. 

“I should get going now.” The two women stood up and walked to the door. 

“Thanks for the cheese,” Lola whispered. 

“Thanks for everything,” Marnie pulled Lola in for a hug, “and even if Shane doesn’t want to see you, I still do. I can come by in the afternoons to check on you, if you’d like.” 

“I um… Dr. Smith has already been doing that, but that means a lot, thank you.” 

“Oh, Harvey?” Marnie perked up curiously, “He’s been coming every afternoon?” 

Lola moved her head side to side trying to decide how to answer this, “Yeah just to check on me after Shane’s episode, but there isn’t anything going on between us.” 

“I, um, I didn’t think so,” Marnie laughed nervously, “Harvey’s such a good doctor and we’re lucky to have him here.” 

“Yes, yes he is…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk if this came off clearly in the text but I'm trying to show how going to the hospital doesn't magically help anyone-- speaking from personal experience. notes, comments, etc are welcome. Writing the next chapter as we speak.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harvey and Lola read some more Latin

If Shane needed time, Lola would give him time. She waited and waited, keeping her distance from the ranch and tried to make more appearances at the saloon. Shane sat alone in his usual spot, drinking some soda instead of beer. Lola had tried to wave but as soon as he caught sight of her, he looked away in a huff. So she sat on the other side, listening to Pam, an out of work bus driver, talk about anything she would talk about. Winter was here and it was harder to make money. Luckily Marnie had given her some chicks in the fall to help her get by, but as winter bore on, she was getting more nervous about making it through the season. Of course, she had a stockpile of jam. But would that be enough? 

Harvey still insisted on visiting in the afternoons. He hadn’t mentioned anything about Shane since Lola called him her boyfriend, and they continued reading together on sunday mornings by a roaring fire. Lola appreciated the company, and maybe through her loneliness she had started seeing Harvey as more than a friend. She liked the way he blushed whenever something about sex came up, and the way he laughed when Lola cracked a joke. He was responsive to everything Lola said, and felt. Most of all, he was sober. He was able to talk without the lubrication of alcohol, and actually wanted to talk, which Lola had resisted for a long time now, but finally, she started to respond. 

“Have you heard of Catarina Imperiale?” Lola asked as they sat on the couch, her bare toes just touching Harvey’s thighs. She was sitting with her legs stretched out with Harvey on the other side, leaning on the arm rest, purposefully avoiding any contact whatsoever. It made Lola giggle that he was so scared of touching her. 

“No, no I haven’t” Harvey put down his book. He had been reading some Ovid to them outloud. Lola had stopped asking him questions in Latin and instead they just read to each other, summarizing the best they could in their own Latin. Lola began to love the sound of Harvey’s pentameter. He had gotten better, and the consistent rhythm put her at ease. 

“She was this poet from Genua-- I thought maybe we could read some of her stuff.” 

“Are you tired of Ovid already?” 

“I grew tired of him ten years ago,” Lola laughed. 

“What did she write?” 

“Who, Catarina?” 

"Yeah."

“Oh, you know, short stuff-- epigrams, but I like her elegies more.” 

“Can you read me some?” Harvey asked. Lola froze. He never asked anything of her. She always was the one in charge. She may not have been his teacher in so many words, but he never dared to make a request before. Is this what friendship was? 

“Um… sure. Let me find one,” Lola stood and walked to her bedroom. She kept a book of Catarina’s by her bed. The poems were difficult, but she enjoyed the challenge. Always with the fucking challenges, Lola was. Why couldn’t she ever just want something easy? “Okay, got it,” she returned, this time sitting on the cushion next to Harvey. She purposely sat in such a way that their thighs touched. She stifled a smile as he tried to squirm away from her, blushing. “These two are my favorite,” she began:

>   
>  Pensilis argutâ desudat aranea lauro,  
>  Visceribus nectens eruta fila suis.  
>  Ac veluti gestet manuumque, pedumque coronam,  
>  Desuper intextas itque, reditque vias.  
>  Sed, dum Phæbeas super astitit inscia frondes,  
>  Nil profecturum se ligat inter opus.  
>  Stamine ab intexto surgit novus orbis, & orbis,  
>  Et quæque est radiis orbita plena suis;  
>  Atque adeò tensis, adeò subtilibus: ipsos  
>  In morem ut credas prætereuntis acus.  
>  Et iam surgit opis: medio stat aranea centro,  
>  Ingenii judex fiat ut ipsa sui.  
> 

“Interesting,” Harvey nodded.

“Do you get it?” 

“Um… something about a spider?” 

“Yes, _aranea_ is spider. And she’s creating a world for herself-- weaving a web in a tree.” 

“Lauro?” 

Lola nodded. 

“Catarina knew her Ovid.” 

“Of _course_ she fucking knew her Ovid. Everyone in Italy in the 18th century knew their Ovid.” 

“Are you saying that people in 21st century Pelican Town don’t?” Harvey grinned, turning to her, appearing to be more at ease with their proximity. He had placed his arm around the back of the couch, still not touching Lola’s shoulders, but he leaned towards her. 

“Stop, I’m not a snob like you.” 

“Ehhh… agree to disagree.” 

“Anyway,” she said, “the next elegy, is about these two nymphs in the forest, and one of them _kills_ the fucking spider in the laurel tree.” 

“Hm.” 

‘Which confuses me because Catarina spent the whole other poem praising this spider and her work. And then kills it off in the end?” Lola allowed herself to ramble. 

Harvey hung onto every word she said. 

“So, like, who’s the spider? Is Catarina the spider? Why does she kill off her own symbol of hard work in the very next poem? And for what? For _inanis Amor_ ?”

“You think about this a lot,” Harvey said, reaching for the book in her hands to examine the text closer. He was now inches away from her face.

“I think about this every night before I go to sleep,” Lola pulled away. She was _talking_ and now she needed _space_. “Why the spider? Does she see herself as a spider? Did other people see her that way?” 

“I-- I don’t know…” Harvey said, as if he were in school and didn’t know the answer to a math question. 

“That’s just _it_ , Harvey. No one knows! And I’m… I’m confused. I need to read those poems again.” 

“Is there a commentary?” he said, trying to be helpful. 

Lola snorted, “No one writes commentaries for 18th century female Latin poets.” 

“Maybe you should.” 

“That’s ridiculous.” 

“I think you’d write a great commentary.” 

“You’re flattering me.” 

“Lola, you know my bedside manner doesn’t leave space for flattery,” Harvey scooted towards her. 

She laughed. It was true-- Harvey was a good doctor, but didn’t really know how to talk to another human being. Let alone another human being who he felt couldn’t keep up with him. 

“I like seeing you like this,” he smiled, taking her hand in his. 

Lola didn’t pull away. She missed being touched, “Like what?” His hands were smooth and soft. 

“Confused-- not knowing all the answers. I’m just so used to you knowing everything about Vergil and Ovid that I thought you knew everything there was to know about this stuff-- and, it humanizes you.” 

“What did you think I was before?” 

“I don’t know, some sort of combination of Athena and Aphrodite?” 

“Now you’re flattering me,” she pulled her hand away to tuck her hair behind her ear and faced forward, away from Harvey. 

“Have you thought about--” 

“Being more than friends? Yeah, I have…” 

“Are you and Shane still…” his voice trailed off. 

Lola’s stomach tightened, “No, no, we’re not.” That was the right answer, wasn’t it? He had explicitly told Marnie that she wasn’t allowed at the ranch, to stay away from his kid, and had given her the cold shoulder every time they ran into each other at the saloon. 

“Well, I should be off now,” Harvey said decisively, standing up. 

“Wait, weren’t you going to--” Lola didn’t mean to say that aloud. 

“To what?” 

“It… it seemed like you were going to ask me something,” Lola said under her breath, ashamed at her loss of self control. 

“Oh, was I?” Harvey said coyly, putting his shoes on by the door. 

Lola got up and watched him-- his hand gripping the doorframe to steady himself as he pulled on his wingtips. He had come directly from work. 

“Yes. I was,” he said, with his back to the door, “What would the answer be?” 

“Well, you tell me what you were going to ask,” Lola said, cornering him as best as she could. It was a power struggle, and Lola was all too familiar with those. This was her house, goddamnit. 

“Dinner?” the fear crept back into his voice, satisfying Lola. 

“Where? In Pelican Town?” 

“No,” he shook his head, “Somewhere else. I know a place in the neighboring town-- right next to a vineyard. It’s really quite nice.” 

“Am I allowed to drink wine?” she asked, thinking about all those times she had too much, too fast, too soon. How Harvey had chided her for drinking on SSRIs. For enabling Shane. 

“I think with a doctor’s supervision, it should be okay,” Harvey smirked, and then quickly, catching himself, “No, but really, one glass should be fine. Especially with food. Sorry, I don’t want to seem insensitive.” 

Lola laughed grimly, “It’s fine. And if anything, I’ll just have a sip of yours.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is shorter than usual. I got a doozy planned for the next one.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lola and Harvey go on a date.

Harvey had not told Lola where they were going. He insisted that it should be a surprise for her. “Haven’t I had enough surprises this year?” Lola teased him on the phone. 

“I promise this one won’t involve a hospital visit.” 

Lola snorted, “Be careful with what you promise. You don’t want to oversell yourself.” 

“Oh, I’m fully aware of that danger, darling.” 

Lola’s cheeks burned at the pet name, and she let the final syllable ring in her head for a moment, “Can’t you at least give me a hint to what I should wear?” 

“Something short and tight if you can manage,” Harvey said. She could hear his smile through the phone. 

“Ew, Harvey. I’m your patient.” 

“Makes it more exciting, doesn’t it?” 

God, he was giddy. Lola wanted to regret this decision to go with him, but she couldn’t bear another night alone at the farm. Not in the winter, at least, “Alright, you dirty old man, let me get dressed,” and she hung up. She looked into her closet and picked out a black turtleneck sweater dress. It was short and tight, just as Harvey had requested, but also just something she enjoyed wearing. Maybe she wanted to please him? _Didn’t we all just want to please everyone? So what’s the big deal if I give in to his depraved request? Shane certainly didn’t care who or what he pissed off and blew up everything in his path._ And to a point, neither did Lola. In a way she was just waiting for an opportunity to blow up Shane, but he just started to do it first. 

Harvey eventually pulled in a little after 4pm. He parked by the shed, and knocked on her door. Lola watched from her peep hole as he walked up the porch steps, wearing a black peacoat. His favorite red tie was peeking out from his scarf. More importantly, he was carrying a bouquet of flowers. He knocked twice, and Lola counted to twenty before she opened the door. She didn’t want to appear too eager, and had strategically placed her coat on the other side of the room so she could buy herself some more time. 

“My, you look lovely,” Harvey practically gasped. Lola’s black sweater dress clung to her breast and hips, showing her curves that were usually hidden by her oversized farming clothes. Her eyes were lined and lips painted a deep purple. This was the first time Harvey had seen Lola wear any makeup whatsoever, and it surprised him how much her features had popped. 

“Thanks,” Lola said, walking over to her jacket, ignoring the bouquet of flowers in his hands. Harvey allowed himself to watch her hips sway under the skirt of her dress. She pulled her blue coat over her dress and untucked her hair from the back of her jacket, diffusing a scent of lemon verbena shampoo. “Those aren’t for me, are they?” she looked down at the bouquet in Harvey’s fist. They were a selection of crocuses and wrapped in paper and plastic, suggesting he had bought them from the general store in town. 

“They are,” Harvey blushed, so different from the man on the phone who had asked her to wear something short and tight. Lola took them from him and walked into her kitchen, placing them on the counter. She didn’t want to commit to anything as of now, not even a vase full of fresh winter flowers. 

“Thank you, they’re lovely,” she said emerging from the kitchen, “Shall we get going?” 

The drive to the neighboring town was peaceful. Harvey played a CD filled with stride pianists like Eubie Blake, Art Tatum, and Fats Waller. He spoke about himself, saying that he had always wanted to play piano, but he was terrible at reading music. Too overwhelming for him. 

“When did you decide to be a doctor?” Lola said, turning down the volume slightly. 

“In college,” he kept his eyes on the road and two hands on the wheel. To say the least, Harvey was a careful driver. 

“What made you want to be a doctor in college?” Lola pressed, not satisfied. She wanted a story, not a timeline. 

“One of my friends was hospitalized for alcohol poisoning…” his voice drifted off. 

Lola regretted asking the question, and was about to turn the music up further, but he kept talking. 

“He was okay, but watching him get taken away by the EMTs vomiting into a blue bag taped to his mouth. It made me want to be able to do _something_.” 

“Is that why you chewed Shane out for making me drink?” 

Harvey’s knuckles whitened, “You heard about that?” 

“You said basically the same thing to me,” Lola shrugged. 

“I guess it may have something to do with it… I thought I was just being protective.” 

“Of me?” 

“Of course” 

\-- 

The neighboring town, Walnut Grove, had a light dusting of snow over the buildings. Much like Pelican Town, there was a general store and saloon, but what they lacked in medical clinics they made up for in tiny boutiques selling handcrafted items. Harvey parked in a lot in the center of town so they could enjoy the walk to the restaurant. Lola looped her arm through his as they looked into the windows full of used clothes, intricate quilts, and ceramic goods. 

“Does anything catch your fancy?” Harvey asked as Lola breathed onto a window of a shop, her breath fogging up the area. 

“I was looking for something for Jas,” Lola said, surprising herself in her honesty. 

“Ah yes, the princess of Marnie’s ranch,” he tried to hide his disappointment. _How often did she think of them? Of him? And why was she thinking of them now?_

“She’s such a smart girl,” Lola said, her sadness of missing their nighttime routines as they told each other stories. Jas loved her godfather more than anything in the world, and it made Lola’s heart ache to remember she was no longer allowed near her. 

“Truthfully, I really have sympathy for her,” Harvey began to walk, taking Lola with him, “Her parents dying at such a young age and now in the care of an alcoholic bum.” 

“She loves him, you know,” was she talking about Jas or herself? 

“Ah, well it looks like we’re here,” Harvey said as they stopped at a set of steps leading up to french doors. Like any gentleman, he opened the door for Lola and allowed her to enter first.

The restaurant, named the Enchanted Hunters, was nothing like the saloon in Pelican Town. Instead of wood paneled walls, there were large scenic windows on all sides of the dining room. Multiple roaring fireplaces gave warmth to the dinner guests, punctuating the views of the snow-covered vineyard behind the building. It felt open and cozy at the same time, with white linen tablecloths and large leather chairs. 

“Wow…” Lola breathed. She couldn’t remember the last time she had eaten out in a nice restaurant. Most of her days in university were spent at the dining halls or microwaving food in the library offices. 

“Wait until you try their food,” Harvey whispered, his mustache tickling her ear, “it’s divine.” He flagged down a hostess who showed them to their seats immediately. 

Harvey helped Lola with her coat, and pulled out her chair for her. They were both intimately aware of the way his fingers brushed her shoulders, and his size when he helped her with his chair. The whole affair felt like an intimate, adult dance, and they had never even kissed before. The server brought over comically large menus and spoke to them about the specials for today. Lola’s mouth watered listening about the truffle carbonara. She had never even been able to imagine going to a restaurant and eating _truffles_ and it felt like a dream. 

“I’ll have the fillet mignon,” Harvey said politely, closing his menu and handing it to their server, “Rare with a baked potato, please.” 

“Excellent choice. And for you, miss?” the server didn’t have a notepad, and seemed to have an encyclopedic knowledge of the menu. 

“I um.. I’ll have the truffle carbonara. Thank you,” Lola said uncomfortably, looking at Harvey. 

“And can I get a wine list for you?” the server looked at Harvey. 

“Yes, that would be lovely,” he smiled, and the server buzzed away, “The truffle carbonara is my _favorite_ ” Harvey smiled at Lola-- not a smile you give to your waiter, but one you give to someone you haven’t seen in a long time, “You’re going to love it,” and he placed his hand palm up on the table, inviting her to take it. She accepted. 

“How did you hear about this place?” Lola asked, letting Harvey caress the back of his hand with his thumb. 

“A couple of colleagues of mine came here as a celebration after the clinic in the Valley opened. It was the first one in a while, and they were planning on opening more.” 

“Hm… it does feel like doctor money,” Lola teased. 

Harvey laughed, “It was a dinner paid for by the nonprofit who funded us. I’m hardly a high roller.” 

“Tonight you seem to be,” her eyebrows gestured to the wine list that appeared in Harvey’s hand. Their server seemed to be everywhere and nowhere at once. 

“Yes, well, tonight is a special occasion,” Harvey blushed, “and you deserve the best anyway.” 

Before Lola could ask what the special occasion was, their server appeared again. 

“We’ll both have glasses of the cabernet, thank you.” 

“ _Two_ glasses? One for each of us?” 

“With dinner it should be fine, but you should drink yours slowly.” 

Lola shot him a look that said, _Don’t tell me what to do_ but she quickly softened it when the server put the two glasses in front of them. 

“And of course, your food will be right out.” 

“May I propose a toast?” Harvey said, as Lola’s fingertips traced the outline of the stem. 

“Of course.” 

He raised his glass with his arm outstretched, “To Latin poetry,” he said, “And inanis amor.” worthless love 

“Nunc est bibendum,” Lola said and they clinked their glasses with a satisfying ting. The taste of the wine coated her mouth. It was thick and sweet with a dry finish. It was nothing like the wine at the saloon or the wine she brewed at home on the farm. These vintners knew what they were doing, and it showed. It was without a doubt, the best wine she had ever had. 

As promised, their food soon arrived, and Harvey noticeably waited for Lola to pick up her fork before he picked up his. 

“Okay, this is getting too much,” she said.

“What do you mean?” 

“The manners-- the politeness. I’m not used to it,” Lola twirled her spaghetti onto her fork. 

“Like I said before,” he cut into his steak, “You deserve the best.” His eyes almost rolled back into his head when the meat touched his tongue, “Oh, this is amazing,” he cut another piece, “You should try it.” He lifted up the fork as if to feed her. 

Lola giggled, “I’m not a baby, Harvey.” 

“I can put it on your plate if you’d like…” 

She rolled her eyes and opened her mouth. Harvey placed the bite of steak on her exposed tongue. Her eyes widened, “Oh, wow, that is amazing.” 

“I don’t usually have red meat but--” 

“It’s a special occasion?” 

“Precisely,” he took a sip of his wine, getting some red liquid on his mustache, “How’s the carbonara? Is it as good as I said it was?” 

“I hadn’t tried it yet. I was distracted by your _meat_.” 

Harvey blushed, “Don’t let me stop you, then.” 

Lola took a bite of her dish. It was better than Harvey had said it was. The pasta was cooked perfectly with just the right amount of bite, and the egg and melted cheese seemed to melt in her mouth like a rich buttery soup. The truffle oil punctuated the bite with it’s musky aroma, creeping up into her nose from the back of her throat. “Jesus fucking Christ,” she whispered. 

“I told you,” he said with a satisfied smile. 

The two spent the rest of their meal talking about their culinary failures, Lola giggling has Harvey’s story where he caused a fire in his apartment trying to flambe bananas on two hours of sleep.

“I didn’t know what I was doing,” Harvey said, as their server took away their plates, polished from hunger and taste. 

“Obviously,” Lola said, delightfully buzzed. Harvey had been pacing himself so he appeared just relaxed, mentioning several times that he had to drive back, and he didn’t want to risk anything. “Precious cargo,” he squeezed her hand. 

Their server placed a dessert of a single slice of cheese cake in the middle of the table. 

“Oh, I don’t think we--” 

“It’s from the gentleman over there,” their server gestured to the corner of the restaurant. 

Harvey turned around and waved at him. Lola looked up. She froze. _Had he been there the entire time?_


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continuation of date. 
> 
> TW: Sexual assault, nonconsenual touching, panic attacks, PTSD, self harm

Lola’s face burned as she looked down at the cheesecake in front of her. Harvey hadn’t touched it as he was, yet again, waiting for her to pick up her fork. 

“It’s okay,” she said, “I’m so full.” 

“Do you want to take it with us?” Harvey offered, sensing Lola’s discomfort, “We should get going soon anyway.” It was starting to snow. 

Lola nodded, not sure if she could ever eat a slice of cheesecake again. As Harvey was about to flag down the waiter, the man from across the restaurant approached the table. He placed a hand on Lola’s shoulder. She could barely face him. 

“Lolita, what a surprise seeing you here! So far from the city,” he smiled. The man was wearing a tweed jacket and his curly grey hair reached his chin. 

“Oh, you must be the gentleman who ordered us the cheesecake,” Harvey smiled, reaching his hand out. 

“I am. James Starks, it’s a pleasure.” the two men shook hands in front of Lola’s face, “I’m not sure if Lolita told you about me but I’m an old professor of hers.” 

Her shoulder burned under his touch. 

“Are you?” Harvey lit up, “You must be so proud of her, she’s brilliant.” 

James laughed, leaning on Lola’s shoulder. She wanted to disappear. She wanted to turn into a fucking laurel tree. Anything to get him to go away, “Well, I don’t know if I would say _that_. She did drop out of our PhD program, after all.” 

Harvey let out an uncomfortable chuckle. 

“Anyway, it was great seeing you both,” he said, “I should get back to my wife now. She doesn’t like me hanging around pretty little girls like our Lolita, here.” 

James walked away. 

“I … I need to-- um, if you excuse me.” Lola said and ran to the bathroom. She was shaking. How the fuck was he there? Had he seen everything? She locked herself in a stall and pinched her thighs trying to take control of anything. Frantically she searched herself for something-- anything-- to break skin. But the bathroom in the restaurant was plush with no sharp edges. Blood letting wasn’t exactly what she had in mind for the night but she needed to feel something-- anything to distract her from what had just happened. She cursed herself. _Stupid, stupid stupid, dropped out of our PhD program._ Lola settled on her fingernails, scratching the skin of her thighs over and over again in quick succession. Some skin broke and she stopped when she saw blood. _This is my fucking body,_ she thought to herself as she rolled up her tights again, and straightened herself out. 

Lola opened the door surprised to see Professor Starks standing there, reeking of wine and whiskey. He smiled as he backed her into the sink, and cupped her between her legs. She froze, becoming wood. Becoming a laurel tree. 

“I can’t believe I could see you again,” his lips barely touched her ears, and he pushed his body against hers, “I keep thinking about your pretty little cunt, soaking wet as I bent over you in my office.” he pressed his fingers up against her nylon covered vulva. 

She stiffened herself, refusing to squirm, to move against him. 

“Tell me, Lolita, does his cock feel as good as mine? He’s such a lucky man to be able to fuck something as tight as you.” 

She could feel his smile in her hair as he inhaled. 

“You still use lemon verbena, I see. Sometimes I buy that shampoo and smell it while touching myself thinking about this,” he pressed his thumb against her clit, “And sometimes, I even convince my wife to use it, which makes my husbandly duties all the easier.” 

For the first time since their encounter in the dining room, she looked at him directly in the eyes. 

“There we are,” he smiled stepping back, “Finally some eye contact.” He removed his fingers from under her skirt, “I knew you’d like this,” he touched her cheek with his fingertips, now damp. “I’ll see you around,” he whispered, and left the bathroom. 

Lola washed her hands and reapplied her lipstick. She pinched her cheeks, and straightened her dress. She was fine. This was fine. She was going to go back to Harvey and they were going to drive home together and it would be fine. She was fine. She wasn’t hurt. Well, she was, but that was her own doing. She left the bathroom, and walked to see Harvey sitting at the table with his hands folded in front of his mustache. 

“Ready to go?” she asked. No emotion. She was fine. Keep it together. 

“Yeah, are you alright?” Harvey stood up to help with her coat, but she was too fast for him, and was already walking out the door. 

“Yes, I’m fine,” she said, once he caught up with her, “Just eager to get home, I guess.” 

They walked in silence to his car. She didn’t stop to look at any windows, just walking as quickly as she could with Harvey in tow behind her. Once they made it to the car, she began to shake. 

“Lola, are you sure you’re alright?” he asked. 

“Yes, yes, I’m fine. Let’s just get out of here, please.” Lola’s voice was strained and she buckled her seatbelt and closed her eyes. 

Harvey began to drive in the budding storm. He turned on his windshield wipers as the snow started to pick up, “Do you want any music?” he asked. 

“No. I’m fine.” 

“Lola, you keep saying you’re fine, and I really don’t think you’re fine,” Harvey said, not moving his eyes from the snowy road. 

“I, um, I think I’m having a panic attack.” 

Harvey wanted to ask why. He wanted to assure her that plenty of people didn’t complete post-graduate work. But he had a feeling it wouldn’t do much. “Okay, I’ll count, you breathe.” 

“What?” 

“In two, three, four, hold two, three, four, out two, three four,” he said, “do you get it?” 

“Sure, yeah. Okay.” 

Harvey counted Lola’s breaths the entire drive home. He kept his voice soft and steady, still with both hands on the wheel, staring at the road. He knew that they shouldn’t stop, not in this storm. Once he pulled into Lola’s farm, she ran out of the car and into her house. Harvey followed behind, leaving the cheesecake in the front seat. He watched her fumble with her keys, as she began to sob. 

“Lola, it’s okay,” he said, putting his hands on her shoulders. 

“Please don’t touch me,” she snapped, finally getting the door open. 

“Okay I’m sorry. But please tell me what I can do for you,” Harvey pleaded as Lola walked into her bedroom, shutting the door. 

“Nothing just leave me alone,” she needed to get out of this fucking dress. Why did she wear a dress? Why the fuck-- 

“No, I don’t think you should be alone right now,” he said calmly, “I can stay right here for you.” 

“Please, just leave me alone,” Lola pulled down her tights, revealing her now bloody thighs. She had done a number on herself and the pain hadn’t even registered for her. 

“No, I really think someone needs to make sure you’re okay,” Harvey turned the doorknob to her bedroom. 

“GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HOUSE, HARVEY.” He couldn’t see her like this. Vomit was one thing, but blood? What was he, her doctor? And he shook the professor’s _fucking_ hand. He was contaminated. Hell, she was contaminated. 

Harvey waits by the door, drawing his hand away from the doorknob, and places his forehead against the wood, “Lola, is there someone else who would make you feel safer?” 

Silence. 

“Lola, I don’t like you being alone right now, and if I can’t be in the room with you, and someone else could, please tell me,” Harvey pleaded. He knew the answer. 

More silence. 

He inhaled preparing himself to say the next three words that could ruin him, “Is it Shane?” This hurt him to say, “Do you want me to get Shane, Lola? 

“Yes, please.” 

Harvey called Marnie’s ranch from his cell phone, “Hello? Hi, Marnie, this is Harvey. Is Shane there?”... Can you put him on for me please?” 

“What do you want?” Shane’s voice was as gruff as ever, but clear, ringing of sobriety. 

“It’s not me, it’s Lola. She’s asking for you.” 

“No idea why she would be doing that.” Harvey could feel Shane shrug through the phone. 

“I think she had a panic attack. We were--” 

“I don’t see how any of this is my problem. Good luck, doc.” 

“Shane, can you just listen to me?” 

There was silence on the other end of the line. He hadn’t hung up. He was waiting for Harvey to. 

“We were at this restaurant, and she just broke down… we ran into her old professor and she just fucking lost it--” 

“I’m on my way.” 

Harvey opened the door for Shane, and he barreled in without a word to the doctor. He knocked on Lola’s door, “Hey, it’s me. I’m coming in.” Shane opened Lola’s bedroom door, and Harvey saw Lola sitting in the corner of her room like a scared animal. Shane approached her gingerly, carrying her into his lap. Her body was stiff, like rigor mortis. He sat on the bed. 

And she began speaking a mile a minute, eyes unfocused, almost unaware of who was holding her. “I’m so fucking stupid. I’m so fucking stupid. I just wanna die. I can’t fucking do this anymore. He _found_ me. How the fuck did he find me? And then grabbed me over and over and over again. I’m so fucking stupid--” 

Shane shushes into her hair, stroking it, “Lola, you’re not stupid, it’s okay.” 

“I fucking deserved it. I should’ve fucking known,” Her hands shook and Shane held her close, lying her down. 

He spoke in soft whispers, stroking her hair, “You’re safe now, Lola. I promise. He can’t find you here and you’re gonna be okay. I’m gonna be right here, don’t you worry.” 

“You’ll stay?” This was the first time she acknowledged his presence. She wrapped her arms around him, taking in his scent. Hay. Deodorant. Faint linger of cola. 

“Yes, I’ll fucking stay. Just go to sleep, okay?” 

“Okay,” she closed her eyes and slowly drifted away. 

\-- 

Shane walked out and wordlessly sat next to Harvey on the couch in the living room. 

“It looks like she had a panic attack,” Harvey said. 

“No shit.” 

“And it’s so weird, she’s been taking her medications and everything-- ”

“Her what?” 

“Her medications. Her SSRIs. You didn’t know?” 

“No I didn’t know she was on fucking pills.” 

“I guess I thought you were closer to her, then.” 

“Listen, we’re plenty close, doc. Let’s not remember that she asked for me, not you. You could’ve left. But you’re still fucking here.” 

Harvey stood up and towered over Shane, who was folded in on himself sitting on the couch, “I’m here because I care about Lola. And, in case you didn’t notice, I’ve been here while you’ve been refusing to talk to her for weeks. Telling her she was no longer welcome around Jas. Telling her to fuck off. So yeah, I’m still fucking here, Shane. I’m here because you leave whenever it gets too serious. Too much. I’m here because I’m a goddamn adult. Hopefully she’ll see that eventually.” 

“Is that a threat?” Shane stood up, toe to toe with Harvey. 

“Hardly. It’s already happened. _Didn’t_ you refuse to talk to her for weeks?” 

“Whatever. I needed time.” 

“You call pushing your girlfriend away needing time? Pushing her away after she took care of your daughter while you were in the hospital? You think that’s fair?” 

“Well I’m here now.” 

“Doing what, exactly?” 

“Taking care of her, because you can’t,” he enunciated every syllable. He wanted that to hurt. 

“Do you think you can take care of her alone, Shane?” 

“Better than you fucking can.” 

“You can barely take care of yourself.’

Before Shane could answer Lola’s voice rang through the living room 

“Shane?” 

“Coming.” He turned to Harvey, “You better get going.” 

“I don’t trust you alone with her,” Harvey’s eyes narrowed as he crossed his hands across his chest. 

“Fuck off man. She doesn’t trust _you_ alone with her.” Shane walked off to Lola’s bedroom, lying down in her bed next to her. 

Harvey got up and looked at them through the crack in the door. He heard Shane’s voice become gentler than he ever heard before. Shane wrapped his arms around Lola who was buried in her quilt. He listened, as if he were learning. 

“Lola, it’s Shane. I promise you’re safe. You’re in your bed at the farm right outside Pelican Town. I have a daughter who looks up to you. Her name is Jas. We went on a picnic and played in the river last month-- before it got cold, do you remember? She made you a sandwich and all she wanted to do was read with you,” Shane looked up, seeing Harvey at the doorway, “I’m sorry I pushed you away before, but I’m here now, okay? I’m here now and you’re safe. I’m Shane. I’m here. And you’re safe.” 

Harvey stepped away from the door, closing it. He felt defeated, thinking about how Lola recoiled at his touch, at first, and even now. How Lola melted into Shane’s body. He lit a match, starting a fire in the fireplace. He thought about how he had been so patient and tried so hard, and yet Lola couldn’t bear to be touched by him. He laid down on the couch, watching the fire. But she had held his hand at dinner before she saw _him_ , whoever he was. Harvey shuddered to think what that man could’ve done to Lola to make her so fragile. He exhaled, closing his eyes, but was then overcome with the inexplicable urge to wash his hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I thought about leaving a cliffhanger up, but I couldn't stop writing and I just figured I post it now.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lola, Shane, and Harvey wake up from the night before.

_Lola took Shane deeper in the forest, still wearing her white dress, and holding her knife. He looked at her delicate fingers around the handle-- a smooth white mother of pearl leading up to the silver blade. She took him to a clearing, standing in the center next to a cow. It didn’t look like one of Marnie’s dairy cows-- it was a bull. Lola took leaves of laurel and placed it on the head of the bull and then on her own. She opened the jug of wine, and took a sip, then pouring it on top of the bull’s head. Shane watched her as she gave the jug to her. He took it-- warm from the sun? He looked around, green grass surrounded them in the clearing, and Lola smiled._

_She walked around the bull, placing the knife on its neck._

Shane woke up next to Lola in her bed. She was still fast asleep, lightly snoring under the covers. He was still holding her, with his arms around her stomach, and his face in her hair. No knife. No bull. No wine. Just Lola sleeping under his arm. He untangled himself from her and walked to the bathroom, seeing Harvey on the couch. Glasses pushed up to his forehead, with his arm strewn across his face. He looked like a lady on a fainting couch. What a fucking weenie. Unzipping his pants, he peed, thinking about how he almost punched Harvey in the nose. Thinking about how he was still here. He washed his hands and made his way into the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water. It was there that he saw the bouquet on the counter. It was lying on its side, having been gingerly placed there. Harvey must’ve given it to Lola before they left on their date. _Date._ This guy was fucking serious about her. It hadn’t really registered to Shane last night that they were at a restaurant together-- certainly not the local saloon but somewhere further away. Somewhere where she could and did run into that fucking professor. Resisting the urge to shatter the glass in the sink, he placed the half-empty glass on the counter, next to the flowers. He thought for a second about putting the flowers in the water, but stopped himself. This was Lola’s decision. Even if he desperately wanted to have Lola for himself, he couldn’t deny that Harvey was trying, that Harvey hadn’t left like had-- and how he was about to. Shane gulped. 

“Hey, Harv,” he shook the sleeping doctor’s shoulders, “Wake up.” 

Harvey sputtered awake, pushing his glasses down as if to get a better look at Shane, who was inches away from his face, “You’re still here?” he said groggily, slightly surprised. 

“Yeah I’m still fucking here,” Shane spit, “But I gotta get back to the ranch. It’s already 8.” 

Harvey’s green eyes stared and Shane through his thick glasses, “Oh, I see.” 

“Unlike you, I have a family to get back to,” he muttered as he pulled on his work boots, “I can be back in the afternoon, but you should be here when Lola wakes up.” He opened the door, and shut it quietly, leaving Harvey half awake in the living room, and Lola still asleep in her bed. 

\-- 

Shane’s walk back to the ranch was surprisingly laborious. His boots felt heavy with every step. He wanted to stay with Lola, really, he did. But he knew he needed to get back to Jas. He knew just how much work on the ranch needed to get done. And most of all, he felt as if he had intruded on something-- how Harvey intruded on their plate of poppers at the saloon. Yes, he was the one who held Lola as she shook, but only because Harvey called him. He knew that he wouldn’t have done the same if the roles were reversed. Harvey had called in Shane because he was what Lola wanted, but was he what Lola needed? 

“Morning, Shane,” Marnie said, pouring her nephew a hot cup of coffee, “Everything okay?” 

Shane eyed Jas’s empty seat. 

“I figured I let her sleep in until you came back. Last night she said that she wanted to do the chickens with you and no one else.” 

“Better wake her up, then,” gulping his coffee and standing up. 

“Can you at least tell me why Harvey called here last night?” 

“I, ugh, I better not,” he pushed his chair in and walked to the sink. 

“Is everything okay?” 

“I think so,” he rinsed his cup and placed it in the dishwasher, “I’m gonna get Jas.” 

“You should eat something!”

“Not hungry,” Shane walked upstairs to Jas’ room. 

\-- 

Lola woke up in a puddle of her own sweat. She usually slept without the fireplace on, but it felt like someone kept it going late into the night. Kicking her covers off, she opened the window on the other side of the room. Her thighs burned from the scratches from last night. It all rushed back to her-- seeing Starks and freaking out. Feeling his hands in the bathroom. She needed a shower. Before getting her towel, a white piece of paper on her bedside table caught her eye. She opened it and read a note in a scraggly but legible handwriting,

_Hey, I had to leave to help Marnie with the ranch. Harvey’s in the living room. I’ll be back this afternoon. Let me know if you need anything or if he tries anything. Shane._

And on the other side, 

_Sorry about everything. Jas misses you. Come around anytime._

Lola’s stomach clenched. If he tries anything. She felt that Harvey couldn’t and wouldn’t do anything, even if she had pushed him away last night. Maybe if she just told him what was going on he didn’t need to call for Shane. Maybe if she just knew how to fucking communicate like an adult, Harvey would be in bed with her, and not in the living room. She resolved to take a shower, moving quickly and silently, catching Harvey still lying down in the living room. This time, she had enough wherewithal to bring a change of clothes-- jeans and a flannel. She was going to need to stock up on firewood, and do some serious work to get through the day, and the winter. 

Lola scrubbed herself raw in the shower, trying to slough off any skin cells contaminated by the night before. She barely noticed that in her haze she had rubbed the scabs off her thighs, revealing her raw underflesh to the hot water. Wincing, she finished washing as best as she could, dried herself, dressed herself, and prepared herself to see Harvey, rejected from her pain but still making an effort. Still here even after everything she yelled at him from her closed bedroom door. 

“Hey, Harvey,” she said, kneeling by his head. 

His green eyes looked up at her, “Good morning… sorry I must’ve drifted off to sleep again.” 

“No worries,” Lola said, “Can I get you a coffee?” 

“Please.” 

Lola walked Harvey to her kitchen. His eyes laid on the bouquet resting on the counter, wilted from the dry air and lack of water. Purposely avoiding his gaze, Lola put some water on to boil and began to grind some coffee. Harvey sat in his usual spot, looking at Lola moving back and forth from either side of the kitchen. She took some bread out, as well as some butter and jam, placing both on the table. Finally she sat down across from Harvey, his eyes still on the bouquet of flowers behind her. 

“I’m really sorry about last night,” she said after a moment of silence. 

“Can you tell me what happened?” 

“Maybe another time,” she said, “but not now,” and reached out her hand across the table. Harvey took it and she squeezed. 

“Did I do anything wrong?” Harvey asked with a tinge of panic in his eyes. 

“Oh, god, no. You were perfect, you did everything right. I’m.. I’m just sorry I couldn’t really tell you what was going on in my head.” 

“You’re still not telling me,” he removed his hand. Lola stood, slightly hurt, but the water was boiling and she needed to pour the coffee. 

“I know, I know I just--” 

“And it’s not fair because _Shane_ knew exactly what was going on. You _asked_ for him, and I just… I was useless.” 

“Harvey, you’re the furthest thing from useless,” Lola poured him a hot cup of coffee, trying to ignore the disdain in his voice when he said _Shane_. “If anyone’s useless, it’s me. I couldn’t even---” 

“Is this what it’s about? The PhD comment? Because that struck me as odd.” 

Lola started to spread butter on a piece of bread. 

“Something like that,” she said, holding the bread in front of her face. 

“Oh, you shouldn’t let that bother you. Plenty of people don’t finish postgraduate work and you still have---” 

“I know. I know,” she looked down at her lap, noticing blood starting to soak through her jeans. 

“You’re amazing, you know that?” Harvey stood and walked to the other side of the table where Lola was sitting. His hands hesitated around her shoulders, but she moved slightly to signal that was okay. He could touch her. His touch, however, was different from what she was used to. When Shane held her, it was like she was being held by a bear. But with Harvey, there was a gentle authority to his touch. That he touched so very mindfully, sensing her body through his fingertips, taking stock of her vital functions and reacting thusly. 

“I just think you’re easily impressed,” Lola said. 

“Hardly,” Harvey knelt down. His height made it so that he was just about eye-level with Lola sitting, “Lola, you’re amazing and nothing you could do could change that-- or how I feel about you. You’re--” he looked down, “oh my god, you’re bleeding.” 

“Yeah, sorry, last night I kinda did a number on myself, and then I was a little harsh in the shower.” 

Harvey’s eyes narrowed, wheels turning. “Did he touch you?” 

Lola’s chin just barely trembled. 

“Oh-- oh my god. Oh, Lola,” he said, he reached his hand to cup her cheek. She let him, covering his hand with hers. 

“It’s fine. I’m okay.” 

“I have a first aid kit in my car. Let at least help with your cuts.” 

“They’re not cuts-- I didn’t have anything so like an idiot I just--” 

“You’re not an idiot. And I’m glad you didn’t have a knife. That would require a tetanus booster, and I’m just--” he collected himself, much like he did when found Lola on her bathroom floor, “I’m going out to my car to get my kit. Are you okay with me cleaning them? If not, I could just give--” 

“I’m okay,” she said, giving his wrist a quick kiss. 

“I’ll be right back.” 

\-- 

Harvey returned, this time armed with bandages and isopropyl alcohol, “I know you washed it in the shower, but it’s best that we disinfect and dress them.” 

“Okay.” 

“Do you want to change into shorts?” 

“No, it’s okay,” Lola pulled down her jeans to reveal her striped bloody thighs. She watched as Harvey washed his hands and put on a pair of rubber gloves-- a little overkill, she thought, but was grateful to have a barrier between her thighs and his fingers. He moved the alcohol quickly over each wound, and Lola gripped the back of her chair, trying not to wince. 

“Almost done, don’t worry,” he said, preparing the gauze and some tape as the alcohol dried. 

Lola counted her breaths as Harvey did with her in the car. This was difficult, but it was her house, on her terms. And Harvey put her at ease, kneeling at her feet, avoiding her gaze, and moving quickly across her thighs with medical tape. Her jaw clenched the further up he got, and he must’ve sensed it because he stopped. 

“Would you like to dress that one?” he asked, handing her some gauze and tape. 

If she had more time, she could’ve let Harvey do it. But it was all still too fresh. Too much. Too close. She had always tried to train herself to get over this-- this fear of touching after her professor had his way with her in college. She’d push herself in questionable situations to see how far she could go without panicking, and prided herself on not-- or hating herself for running away when things got too much too fast, But now, she took the gauze from his hand and dressed this wound herself. They both stood up and she zipped her pants up, turning away from him. 

“Thank you,” she said, turning back around. Harvey was removing his gloves and throwing them out. 

“Just doing my job,” he smiled. 

“Speaking of jobs,” Lola cleared her throat, “I have a big day ahead of me. Chickens et cetera, and I think I’ll invest in a cow.” 

“Oh?” 

“Mmhmm…” 

“Well I better get going then,” Harvey said, walking towards the door. 

Before he could even leave the kitchen, Lola took hold of his wrist, resulting in him facing her, his chest inches from her nose, “Th--thank you, Harvey,” she said, “for everything. I’m sorry I can’t-- and… the bouquet-- I can’t really commit to anything right now I just--” 

Harvey wrapped his arms around Lola’s back, and she returned the embrace. His fingers found her hair, and he remembered how Shane stroked it last night. He could feel the envy bubbling in his stomach, but refused to give in, focusing on how tightly Lola held him against her. “It’s alright,” he whispered, “I understand. Take as much time as you need, okay? I’ll be here waiting for you,” he kissed her forehead, mustache on her hairline. Harvey gave one final squeeze before driving away, the cheesecake still on his dashboard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this filler? Idk. I don't THINK so and I'm just glad I got something out today. Will probably only be updating once a day instead of twice because I've been ignoring basically everything else in my life for this fic-- which isn't the healthiest. I don't have anymore tricks up my sleeve and I'm basically writing on instinct. I think maybe a flashback chapter? Shane also needs to get his shit together and his yearly appointment is coming up... soOOOoooo Let me know. I could probably have this going forever, but I hope to round everything out by chapter 50.


	20. Chapter 20

Dolores Foster was always the smartest, sharpest, and fastest in her Latin classes. It wasn’t that she had a natural talent for it-- no, it was because she existed in the language like no one else had before her. She had resigned herself to living with it, no, in it. Like nuns and monks from ages ago. IN this way, she cloistered herself, as if a nymph of Artemis. Her dictionary was her bow, grammar her arrow. She thought she could use her knowledge like a weapon, or at least a shield. She never thought it would make her a target. 

\-- 

Lola put on her jacket, puffy from down, and very much unlike the coat from last night-- a carryover from her university years-- and headed out to the field to start collecting firewood. After weeks of chopping wood without Shane, Lola was satisfied with how her body had built up resilience to hard labor. She still had to fix up the old barn if she still wanted to invest in a cow as she said this morning. But that was just to fill up space with Harvey. Trying to ignore what she put him through last night. What she had put both of them through. 

She had already finished tending to the chickens today, but returned to the coop to give them extra attention. When Shane was in the hospital, Jas insisted that they double dip for pets. She said that they were happier and therefore happier chickens produced better eggs. Honestly, Lola was just grateful to have some sort of company that wasn’t trying to have a romantic relationship with her or who had refused to. Lola knew who she wanted, but she couldn’t get over the fear that she felt when he snapped at her after helping Jas. She didn’t understand Shane’s anger, and she was afraid of everything she couldn’t understand. 

Shane and Jas had finished feeding and petting their chickens for the first time at least, and they were able to harvest a full dozen eggs. Jas was delighted with the task, giggling as she tried to distract the chickens with noises and squeals. On the other hand, Shane would quietly move the chickens out of the way, as if asking them politely. “Excuse me, won’t you please give me an egg?” And they always obliged without a fight. Once Jas and Marnie were satisfied, Shane began to walk back to the farm, just as he told Harvey he was going to. He was a little worried that he would still be there with her, but he didn’t care. He needed to show that fucker than he wasn’t some flake. 

He saw Lola chopping a maple tree by the southern entrance of her farm, “Hey, stop!” Shane shouted at her. 

Lola turned to look at him with her axe in mid-air. 

“That’s a maple, you should put a tapper on it.” 

“For what?” 

“Maple syrup. And… you need the money.” 

She put down the axe, “You know the different types of trees from that far away?” 

“Jesus, christ, you don’t?” 

\-- 

Lola walked Shane back to her house. They walked past by the old barn on the way there, and she just sighed, swinging the axe to rest on her shoulder. “Care for any coffee?” she asked, as she untied her work boots by the doorframe. 

Shane urged himself not to look at her as she bent over right in front of him. 

“Nah, I’m fine,” he said, looking around. No sign of Harvey. Must’ve left when Lola woke up. _I fucking hope he didn’t leave her to wake up alone after last night._

Lola sat on the couch, one leg wrapped beneath her and her elbow on the back of the couch. She looked at Shane and then the cushion next to her, inviting him to sit down. “Sorry about last night,” she said. She felt like she had to apologize to everyone after freaking out like that, even Shane.If this happened before the hospital, she wouldn’t feel like she had to address it at all. Shane had seen her freak out multiple times before that, whether or not she remembered. 

He said nothing, just stared straight ahead. 

“He didn’t try anything, if that’s what you’re worried about.” 

“Didn’t think he would, but you never know,” he shrugged, rubbing his finger under his nostrils. He looked like he was trying to appear like a dad-- even if he was almost ten years younger than Harvey. 

It was Lola’s turn to stare, but she couldn’t bear the silence, “Why didn’t you call? Why didn’t you ignore me? Why did it take a call from fucking Harvey to get you to see me?” 

“So that’s what this was, a plea for my attention.” 

“Don’t fucking do that.” 

“Well, where were _you_ , huh? What were you doing? Why didn’t _you_ call?” he knew he wasn’t making any sense, but he was angry. Angry that she had accepted a date from Harvey, that Harvey gave her a bouquet before he could get his shit together. That-- 

“Shane, I was staying at your house, taking care of Jas. I was there when you came back… I… I didn’t know I _should_ call you after what you said.” 

“Ugh, didn’t I apologize for this already?” Shane sighed. 

“You did, but I still want to know why you fucking blew me off for two weeks.” 

“I just needed time.” 

“Yeah I know, Marnie told me.” 

Shane said nothing. 

“So I thought, okay, give him time. And I went to the saloon to try to see how you were doing and you just _glared_ at me. You looked so angry and I couldn’t understand why.” 

“...I was angry.” 

“But why? What did I do wrong?” 

“Nothing. I just…” Shane put his head in his hands, “I was angry you didn’t just let me fucking die.” 

“Oh…” 

“Now I understand why… I see I desperately needed that. But for a while I was pissed that you came looking for me… that you let Marnie see me like that…. I just blamed everything on you because… because you’re the closest anyone has ever been to me since Claude and Jules.” 

Lola wanted to apologize, but she felt like that wasn’t the point. What would she be apologizing for? Being close to him? Because she wasn’t sorry for anything. She just was sorry that he couldn’t tell her anything. “Are you still angry at me?” she asked cautiously. 

“No. Not after seeing you in such bad shape last night. Now I’m just pissed that Harvey gave you that bouquet.” 

“I didn’t exactly accept that, Shane.” 

“I saw, but he stayed here for you last night.” 

“So did you.” 

“But not without his urging. And I… I don’t think I deserve you, Lola,” as tears started pooling in his palms, he felt Lola’s arms around him. She had leaped around the couch, burying her face in his neck. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, because you’re all I’ve ever wanted.” 

“You’re crazy,” he said, wanting to shake off her arms but instead nuzzled his face in hers, allowing himself to feel some selfish undeserved comfort, “and you’re just saying that because--” 

“Because what, because I'm so fucked I don’t know what’s good for me?” 

“Yeah, I mean, you can’t even see that Harvey would do anything for you. That Harvey would--” 

“Maybe I can see that but it doesn’t mean that I want it.” 

“Why wouldn’t you want that?” 

“Because I want you. It was always you, Shane. I don’t fucking know why. But it’s you. You with your stupid chickens, and annoying stubble. You with your outbursts and cold spells. I want you. I love you. I want you. And I’ve missed you so fucking much, and I feel like some sort of crazy person because you won’t even believe me. You won’t even believe how much I love you.” 

He was stunned by Lola’s admission. _She loved me? After all that talk about them just being friends she-- she loved me?_

“I… I thought you... well, I hoped you knew that.” 

“How would I have--” 

“I whispered it to you while you were out. I hoped somehow it would get to you.” 

“Lola, I…” _you love her, idiot. Just tell her. Just say it._ , “I gotta go.” 

\-- 

Harvey called later that afternoon, in a lull between his appointments. Lola answered on the first ring, eager to feel wanted, “Hello?” 

“Hey, Lola, I just wanted to check on you with your scars. Any itching or anything weird?” 

“No, I’m okay,” she said, “Thank you.” 

“Okay, well if it starts to blister or pus, please let me know. I’m worried they’ll become infected.” 

She managed a giggle, “They’re not even that--” 

“I know, I know. I’m just a worrywort,” he said. “How are you feeling now?” 

“Oh, you know, a long day’s work will set you straight.” 

“I hope you’re not overdoing it.” 

“I’m not…” 

“Great, so I’ll, uh, I’ll call you tomorrow. And you can call me anytime for anything-- I’m ugh--” 

“Harvey?” 

“Yeah?”

“Are you doing anything tomorrow night?” 

He gulped, “No, I ugh, I’m free.” 

“Great, do you wanna do a ‘re-do’?” 

“A re-do?” 

“Yeah, of last night.” 

Harvey paused, feeling a tinge of guilt. 

“It doesn’t have to be anything. I just wanna spend time with you. And I enjoyed last night before everything… happened.” 

“Okay,” he managed, trying not to exhale around the word, “What do you wanna do?” 

“Come over at around seven? We can order pizza from Gus. If it weren’t the winter I could make you something but I’m honestly embarrassed for you to eat my cooking after last night’s meal.” 

“That sounds nice... “ he smiled, feeling the guilt melt away. 

“Great. See you then.” 

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I really thought it was gonna be Shane in the end but now I don't know. I'm as conflicted as you are. Lola's a mess, as usual and just trying to people please.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harvey and Lola smoke some weed. 
> 
> CW: Drug use, marijuana

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be safe when using recreational marijuana. Talk about sex before imbibing with your partner! This is not ideal!

Harvey arrived at 7pm sharp the following day, as promised. He had forgone the tie, but worn a button down and jeans. On the phone, Lola made it sound so casual, like this is what they always did. _Just come over and I’ll order pizza._ Of course, he had eaten with Lola alone at her house before, but never at night, and never under the pretenses of it being a date, or a “re-do” of a date that had gone horribly wrong. _I had a good time… before everything happened._ Harvey couldn’t help but to think that this is what she had done with Shane and now she had moved on to him because he had pushed her away. No. No. He was overthinking this. Why couldn’t just enjoy the fact that Lola wanted to spend more time with him? He had brought condoms just in case, but decided to leave them in his car. He even packed a small overnight bag in case Lola asked him to stay. Harvey’s brain rattled inside his skull. He didn’t know what to expect. So, leaving everything in the car, he got out and walked to her porch. 

Lola opened the door before he could knock. “Hello, handsome,” she smiled. She was wearing a pair of leggings and a large knit sweater that seemed to swallow her torso.

Harvey blushed, “I- ugh… sorry. Um.” 

“Come on in,” Lola’s nose wrinkled as she smiled at him. It felt like she was playing a role for him. This wasn’t Lola. She was mean and biting, and sometimes cold. But now she seemed to be consciously trying to be nice to him. 

“Are.. are you okay?” he asked as she bent at her knees to check on the pizza in the oven. 

“Yeah, why do you ask?” 

“You’re just so…” 

“Hmm?” she cocked her head to one side, looking like a frog on the floor. 

“Why are you being so nice to me?” Harvey asked, realizing how ridiculous it sounded as it left his lips. 

“Because you were nice to me.” 

“I’ve been nice to you for a while.” 

“Would you rather me be meaner to you?” 

Harvey stammered. “N-No. Of course not. I just-- after the other day-- I didn’t expect you to bounce back this quickly.” 

Lola got up, leaning against the counter, looking to the side-- drawing both their gazes to his bouquet in a glass of water, “What good would I be if I just moped around for another week? Even if I wanted to-- it would just slow me down. And I have a shitton of work to do,” she pushed herself off the counter to look back at the pizza in the oven. 

“I see.” _Everyone deals with trauma differently. Not everyone breaks down constantly like you do._ “When will the pizza be ready?” 

“Just a minute,” Lola said, getting plates from the cupboard, “I asked Gus to give me one uncooked because I wasn’t expecting you to be right on time.

“I haven’t been late before, have I?” 

“Oh know, but you know…I’m not used to being a priority,” she shrugged. 

“Lola, of course you’re my priority.” 

“Alright, if you say so,” she walked over to him and wrapped her arms around his waist, letting her head rest on his chest. Harvey felt like he was on fire, like every other part of his body ceased to exist except for his torso that touched Lola’s. He returned the embrace, awkwardly at first, and finally resting his lips in Lola’s hair. 

“Have you been smoking?” he asked, receiving an earthy, pungent smell in his nose, “Weed?” he asked, taken back a bit. 

“Just a little, why? Do you want some?” she pulled back and looked up at him. It all suddenly made sense-- how she so calmly called him handsome and seemed so relaxed compared to a few days ago. 

“I,ugh, I don’t, I’ve never---” 

Lola giggled, “I’m sure you haven’t, Dr. Smith,” she again checked the oven, and seeing the cheese bubble, she decided it was ready. Gingerly taking out the sheet pan with a dishrag she placed it on the stove, realizing the cotton towel didn’t give her much protection. 

“Oh, dear, Lola, let me…” Harvey stepped forward not wanting Lola to have an accident for a RWI- Reheating Food while Intoxicated. 

“It’s okay it’s okay. I just don’t feel like looking for my oven mitts at the moment,” she picked up the pan again and transferred it quickly to the table, where two trivets were placed as she set the table beforehand. 

Harvey let out a sigh of relief, “Shall we eat?” 

“Hey, that’s my line!” Lola teased picking up a slice onto her plate. Harvey waited for her to serve herself before he took a slice. “Okay…. Shall we eat?” she giggled when she was finally ready. 

Harvey nodded picking up his slice, smiling to himself as he found the entire scene mildly entertaining. He had never seen Lola quite drunk, let alone high. But seeing her like this-- pleasantly under the influence of some herb she no doubt grew herself, awkwardly interjecting and constantly checking the pizza endeared her to him. “How was your day?” he asked, trying to begin a regular, casual conversation. 

“Oh my GOD, this is so good,” Lola said. “Can you taste this?” she looked up as if she were a child experiencing sugar for the first time. 

“Oh, yeah, it is okay,” Harvey said, suddenly a bit envious that saloon pizza could make her this excited, “Certainly you’ve had, you know, real pizza before?” 

“Yeah, but this… this is just so WET. So good.” 

Harvey blushed at her word choice, “Is this the marijuana speaking, or have you just never had good pizza?” 

“Harvey, I think you’re really missing out. Try my slice.” 

He obliged, trying not to think that he was placing his mouth where Lola had placed hers quickly before. It tasted exactly like his. “I.. I don’t taste a difference.” 

Lola’s eyebrows shot up with an idea, “Oh, but do you _want_ to?” 

Harvey hesitated. He hadn’t really felt peer pressured to do drugs before. That was only a scenario in health textbooks for high school freshmen. But before this, Harvey had never been in a room with a pretty woman who he wanted to impress with drugs before, though. Or maybe that’s just what he was thinking about-- that she would judge him harshly if he refused. His stomach tightened, _I’m sure SHANE smoked TONS of weed with her. She probably thinks I’m some sort of wuss for not --_

“No pressure, though. I’m just trying to be generous,” Lola smiled and took another bite of pizza, this time her eyes rolling to the back of her head. This piqued Harvey’s interest. 

“Okay. I’ll try it.” 

“Are you serious?” Lola sounded more surprised than anything. 

“Yeah, I mean once can’t hurt, can it?” 

“Harvey, it’s practically a vegetable.” 

He laughed at her insistence, “Perhaps, yes. And I’m so curious as to what pizza feels while under the influence of this.” 

“Alright, I’ll set you up,” Lola said and walked into her room, bringing out a glass water pipe and a silver cylinder. 

“Uhm… what is _that_?” Harvey asked. 

“It’s a beer pipe, or as the children call it-- a bong.” Lola said, packing the bowl of the contraption in front of Harvey. 

“You smoke so much of this stuff, that you have a _device_?” Harvey said in bemused shock. 

Lola laughed, “Oh please, I only really do it once a week. And besides,” she slid the pipe over to him, “it’s a special occasion.” 

\-- 

“Okay what you have to do is breath in while you’re lighting the bowl… No… ugh, no not like that.” 

“I have no idea what you’re trying to tell me.” 

“Let me show you,” she said, “put your mouth here, inhale while you light, pull up the bowl when you’ve burned a significant amount, and then inhale again.” 

“That’s a lot of inhaling,” Harvey said, shocked, “and I don’t know when to pull up the… bowl.” 

“Okay I’ll do it for you,” Lola giggled, kneeling between his legs. She had placed the bong on his knee and she was holding it there as Harvey was trying to practice inhaling. 

“Gosh, I feel like I’m in college again,” Harvey said as Lola placed his hands on different parts of the pipe. 

“I thought you would’nt’ve done this in college…. Or ever.” 

“Not… really. My parents convinced me it would lower my IQ and I was terrified of not getting into med school so…” 

“Oh my god, you need this more than I do. Okay, inhale…. Alright, hold it, okay inhale again.” 

Harvey followed her directions and he turned away coughing up smoke and spit. His face turned red with embarrassment and the constant coughing. He turned and started gulping water and coughing again and again, “I’m sorry,” he managed between coughs. 

“Hey, it’s okay,” Lola said, rubbing his shoulder before offering him her own glass of water as he finished his, “One time I coughed so much I threw up at a party.” 

The laughing made his coughing worse, “Really?” he said, still coughing up. 

“Yeah, it was at a party and super embarrassing. Really ruined the vibe we were going for.” 

“And what vibe was that?” Harvey asked, pausing on the word ‘vibe,’ as it was foreign to someone of his age. 

“A bacchanal,” Lola said, walking back to her seat. “Okay, now I need to watch you have pizza while high for the first time.” 

\-- 

After they ate, Harvey and Lola ended up lying down next to each other first on the floor in front of her fireplace, then in her bed, both lying on their sides facing each other. Harvey felt like a school boy, stealing moments of intimacy with his girlfriend his mom wouldn’t let him see because she was a “bad influence.” Lola touched him freely, his arm and hands, and sometimes his cheek when there was some sort of debris that needed to be cleared. Each touch she gave him felt more and more intense, as if there were an afterglow of her fingers on his skin or beneath his shirt-- which was now fully unbuttoned, revealing a plain white t-shirt underneath. 

“Oh my god,” Harvey said looking at Lola, and then turning to lie on his back, “I’m so fucking high.” 

“Yeah, do you like it?” Lola asked. 

“I’ve never been this fucking high before.” 

“It’s okay, just go with it, Harvey,” she said reaching his hand in hers. 

“Go with it?” 

“Yeah, like sit in the backseat for a bit. You’re good.” 

“Yeah, um okay,” Harvey said, but his mind kept on drilling into his head, _I’m so high_

“Do you wanna listen to something? Maybe a distraction is better.” 

“Yeah, okay that sounds good,” he said, nodding, the motion feeling strange to him. 

“Okay, what’s your favorite song?” she asked, taking her phone and opening a music player. 

Harvey closed his eyes trying to remember a name of a song, “Um. Fantansie Impromtu by Chopin.” 

“In C sharp minor, right? Because that’s the only one anyone ever cares about.” 

Harvey nodded. 

“Excellent choice,” she said, turning it on for him, her hand still holding his. When the piano started to play from her phone, he immediately relaxed, letting his head loll in the pillow. Placing her phone on the nightstand, she turned over on her side, so that Harvey’s arm was flush with her torso. She nuzzled her nose into his bicep, covered by his button down. 

Without much thought, Harvey took the arm Lola was clinging onto and wrapped it around her, so that her head could lay on his chest. His other hand reached to run his fingers in her hair-- absentmindedly, as if this were the most natural thing in the world. He focused on the weight of Lola’s head on his chest, and how she wrapped her arms around his torso again, like she had before dinner. But instead of his entire body disappearing, he felt totally present in that moment. Lola’s arms around him, her head on his chest, his fingers in her hair-- It felt as if his entire body were touching Lola in some way-- even his feet were touching hers, and he became so surrounded by that feeling he let every other worry of being _too_ high go. 

“That was great,” Lola said as her phone started to play Chopin’s Nocturne, “Do you listen to him a lot?” she asked. 

“I do, yeah, I used to play his stuff in high school.” 

“In high school?” Lola said, her surprise pushing her up to her hands, leaning over him, “How long were you taking piano?” 

“Since I was about three.” 

“Jesus. Your parents--” 

“They were intense, yes,” Harvey said, almost signalling he didn’t want to go down that route. Not now. Not tonight. 

“I thought you wanted to play like the stride pianists,” Lola turned onto her elbow, her head no longer on Harvey’s chest. 

“Oh I still do, but jazz is so much harder than Chopin,” he said, “to me at least. So many choices. It’s terrifying and I freeze up. I’m glad there’s more hard and fast rules for classical piano.” 

“Wow, you are a grammar-translationist,” she teased, nuzzling into the air in front of him, this time. 

“I just like stability, I guess,” Harvey turned to her, placing his hand on her cheek. _What am I doing?_ he thought, but he was overcome with the feeling of tenderness associated with Lola’s soft cheek. It gave in to his fingers, delightfully squishy, yet resisting his hands as she smiled into his palm. 

Lola looked up at Harvey, noses inches apart. She could feel his breath on her lips, and she knew he wanted to close the gap. A part of her wanted to as well. To feel his lips against hers, but for now she just wanted to exist in this space-- the moment of silence before a kiss where lips would barely touch and heart rates increase. _You just kinda do it._ She heard Shane’s voice in her head as she leaned in to close the gap, crossing the liminal space between patient and doctor, friends who read and eat together, to accepting his bouquet. 

\--


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harvey wakes up with Lola. Very fluffy and cute. 
> 
> CW: Drug mention

Harvey melted into Lola’s kiss, turning over and holding her against him. His fingers found her hair once again, and he kissed her mouth, her cheeks, her ears, and her neck. As if marking his territory, he wanted to leave impressions of himself all over her exposed skin. He had to stop himself. He was all too aware of what Lola had been through and he didn’t want to take advantage of the situation-- a situation that Lola really had put him in. She had offered the weed, and knew. He just wished they talked about this beforehand-- but Lola didn’t resist, and she returned his kisses with those of her own, her hands on the back of his neck, down to his waist. 

Finally Harvey pulled back from her to ask, to make sure, “Do you want to continue or do you want to stop?” 

“Continue,” she said decisively. 

“Are you sure? Because I would be okay if you wanted to stop.” 

Lola thought for a moment. Chopin still played from her phone. What was she trying to do here? Sleep with Harvey? She could do that any other time. Why did she need to be high? Did she need to be high, or did she need him to be high? And what was she trying to prove? That she could still have sex after the other night? Why push yourself? “Idon’twanttohavesex.” Lola said in one swift word. 

Harvey pulled away, giving her space. 

“I mean, I like kissing you, and I want you to keep kissing me but Idon’twanttohavesex.” 

“Ah, okay,” Harvey said, moving back to Lola’s side of the bed, “that’s okay,” he pushed a lock of hair that had fallen into her face. “I like kissing you too. And I’m not sure I’d be any good at sex right about now.” 

“Okay, if you say so,” Lola quickly kissed Harvey on the nose, a quick peck, pulling away immediately after to hide in his chest. 

Harvey kissed her hair, inhaling deeply and subconsciously grabbing a fistful to surround his face. It smelled of citrus and earth, almost overwhelming his olfactory receptors. “Thank you for kissing me,” he whispered, still intoxicated by her hair, fine and smooth against his face. 

“Did you like it?” she asked shyly. 

“Did I _like_ it?” he laughed, “Of course I liked it. And I’ve wanted you to do that for god knows how long-- I’m glad it finally happened.” 

“Okay, good, I was worried,” Lola looked up and quickly hid her face back into Harvey’s chest. 

“Lola, I consider myself to be a very lucky man for being able to kiss you,” he said with his hand on the back of her neck, “so, no need to be worried. I’m pleased to just hold you like this,” Harvey meant every word. He could hold Lola in his arms for as long as she would have him there. Suddenly he felt envy bubble up around the image of Shane holding Lola in his arms while he looked through the door. _Did HE know how lucky he was?_

“So would you like to do this again?” she asked, her usual business-like tone returning to her cadence. 

“Why, yes. In fact, I’d like to make a habit of it,” he said, his fingers urging Lola’s chin up to his. He kissed her again, this time lightly, his mustache tickling her upper lip. She quickly returned it with her own, allowing her forehead to linger on his. 

“How often?” she asked. 

“As often as you’ll have me,” he squeezed her fingers in his hands and kissed them as well. 

“That sounds good. So now I can mull it over and decide if I want to,” she yawned, sitting up. 

Harvey wasn’t sure if she was serious or just making fun of him. 

“I’m kidding!” she said, taking off her sweater to reveal a t-shirt of her own. “Let’s go to bed.” 

“I thought you said you didn’t want t--” 

“To sleep, silly!” she slapped him, “and something tells me you brought pajamas because you were trying to be optimistic.”

Harvey and Lola slept with their bodies intertwined. His fingers in her hair, her fingers in his-- but the marijuana made every touch last longer and feel warmer than usual. And while he was afraid of the feeling at first, Harvey now welcomed the heaviness in his limbs and the slowness of his breath. He was intensely aware and unaware at the same time, relishing in Lola’s soft skin against his-- the way she rubbed her foot into his ankle as she slowly drifted away, the way she softly snored when she laid on her back, and how her hands always found their way back to him, even when she was unconscious. Harvey wanted to convince himself that it was because something inside Lola, something greater than loneliness, wanted him nearby as much as he wanted to be there for her. 

\-- 

Lola woke up sober, before Harvey did. He never was one for a farmer’s schedule. She decided to let him sleep in as she got coffee and breakfast ready. They had kissed. Multiple times-- and she felt satisfied with it. Not giddy, although Lola wasn’t sure she was ever giddy about a man. All her suspicions took over any positive emotion that could come from any emotional connection. It was becoming clearer to her that Harvey didn’t want anything from her except to spend time with her-- to be near her. She was just sorry it took so long. 

Walking back into her room, she looked down at him over her coffee mug, smiling at his matching pajama set. She half-expected him to bring a nightshirt like an old victorian man, but he had settled for generic mid century clothing to match his mid century deposition. Without his glasses, he looked considerably younger, especially while he was asleep. She allowed herself to sit next to him, brushing the curls of his hair out of his face. His cheeks had a slight shadow from not shaving the night before which her fingertips grazed over ever so slightly. 

Harvey’s eyes fluttered open to see Lola looking at him. He smiled at her and the smell of coffee. “Good morning, Lola,” he said. 

“Hey, hot stuff. Sleep well?” 

“Perfectly,” he rolled over closer to her, “thank you for having me,” placing his hand on her knee and squeezed. 

“How do you feel after all the drugs?” 

“Mmmm… fine. I’m hungry though.” 

“Coffee’s in the kitchen, and I’m making a fresh loaf of bread for us.” 

“You’re spoiling me, Lola.” 

“Just trying to return the favor,” she offered him her cup of coffee for a taste. 

He shook his head, “I should go brush my teeth.” 

“You should. You have terrible morning breath,” Lola took a sip of her coffee, still smiling at him. 

Harvey reddened, “Oh no, do I?” 

Lola laughed, kissing his forehead, “Yeah, of course. But everyone does. Go brush, and breakfast will be on the table.” She stood, still in her pajamas-- an over-sized t-shirt and shorts, covered by the bottom of the shirt. Harvey followed her into the kitchen where he smelled bacon frying on the stove, and fresh bread in the oven. _Had she walked away from frying bacon?_ he thought to himself, worried for a brief moment about a fire in the old house. 

Once he relieved himself and brushed, Harvey emerged from the bathroom. Realizing that he didn’t have his glasses, he rushed back into the bedroom to scramble for them. Returning, he saw Lola sitting at the kitchen table filled with the fruits of her farm labor. She had grown the wheat for the bread, which was now out of the oven and in a basket lined with a cloth napkin. The chickens had given them eggs this morning, but the bacon? She admitted she picked it up from the general store in town. “I don’t think I could ever butcher an animal,” Lola said. 

“Neither could I.” 

“Really? But you’re a doctor. I’d think cutting people and animals open would be easy for you.” 

“Cutting people open and murdering them are two different things,” he said, taking a bite of bacon. 

“So do you think eating animals is murder?” 

Harvey shrugged, not giving it much thought, “Maybe, but I don’t know if I am one to judge.” 

“Oh my god, have you murdered someone before?” Lola gasped with false surprise. 

Coffee sputtered from his lips, “Where would you get such an idea like that?” 

She laughed, “Oh, nowhere. I just like messing with you,” she tore off a piece of bread from the boule, slightly irritating Harvey that she didn’t use the knife. But, alas, this was her house. 

“You seem to be in better spirits lately,” he took another sip from his coffee, hoping he wouldn’t waste this sip. 

“I guess so…” her voice trailed off. She was trying to figure out why. Was it because she finally let Harvey in? Was she pretending? Or was he just trying to fill conversation. “I really had a great time last night,” she said. 

“Me too,” Harvey reached out his hand across the table, an action that started to seem like a ritual to them. Lola placed her hand in his, and he brought it to his lips. 

“You’re insufferable.” 

“I’m just trying to show reverence to my host,” he said, kissing her hand again, and resting his cheek on her knuckles. Lola returned the gesture by cupping his cheek, her thumb caressing the five o’clock shadow that had formed. 

\-- 

Shane woke up to his aunt towering over him. Her usually gentle eyes were harsh, outlined with anger and worry. “It’s 10am,” Marnie said. 

“I’m up,” he grumbled. 

“Really? It doesn’t look like it.” 

“Ugh, Shane, don’t be such a smart ass. It’s 10am and your manager has been calling the barn nonstop.” 

_Shit._ Shane sat up in bed, swinging his legs out of the covers and placed his head in his hands.

“I told him you were sick, because I didn’t want this to count as a no-show, but this really isn’t like you,” the worry at the edges of her eyes reached the center. 

“I know. I’ve just been having a rough time sleeping lately.” 

Marnie stared silently, waiting for something. 

“Thank you for covering for me.” 

_There it was._

“I can’t do that for you every time, Shane. I just-- I’m really worried about you. You haven’t been drinking again, have you?” 

“Fuck, Marnie, no, I haven’t been drinking again. Check my fucking recycling bin,” he was telling the truth. There were cans of sparkling water everywhere, and his bladder was partially to blame for his restless nights. 

“So maybe you should see someone about this… your insomnia? It’s starting to affect you. I can make an appoint with Harvey on--” 

“Ugh, _fuck_ Harvey,” he stood up, “I gotta take a piss,” and he slammed the door on his way out. 

After a second, he came back, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to slam it,” he said softly. His aunt managed a small smile at her nephew. “I just have a lot going on right now, and I don’t wanna talk to that _fucking_ doctor about it.”

Before Marnie could ask why, he turned around to the bathroom, making a point to shut the door as softly as he could. 

\-- 

Marnie waited for the sound of the shower before she left Shane’s room. She knocked on Jas’ door, which was partially open. 

“Hi, Aunt Marnie,” the little girl sang as she sat on the floor coloring. 

“Hey, sweet pea,” she smiled, eyes crinkling at the corners, “What do you think about paying Professor Lola a visit today?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Marnie!!!!!! I highkey love her but wow what is she doing?! She loves Shane as much as we all do, I guess.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marnie comes over. Harvey is cute. Shane is sad.

Chapter 23 

Jas gasped at her aunt’s words. It had been weeks, maybe even a month, since she had seen Lola. “Yes!” she squealed, “Today? Really? Do you think she’d read to me?” 

“Of course I do. I think she misses you very much.” 

“Then why didn’t she…Oh….” 

“Yeah, Uncle Shane got mad at her, but I think it’s okay now.” 

“Will Uncle Shane be coming with us?” 

“No, he has a lot to do on the ranch today, but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if we went on ahead and let her know that Shane was thinking about her.” 

“Hmmmm okay! Can we bring her some candy?” 

“Yes, of course,” Marnie whispered as she heard the shower turn off, “now let’s keep this as a surprise for Uncle Shane, okay?” 

“Okay,” Jas whispered back, smiling from ear to ear, “I’m gonna bring her some books so she could read to me.” 

\-- 

Lola heard a knock on her door while she was cleaning up from breakfast. She had changed into her work clothes-- jeans and a flannel, with the hope of doing some foraging or jamming some berries that she had frozen in the cellar. Harvey had gone back to the clinic after they ate and they shared some short, sweet kisses. His lips always lingered by her ear while he sniffed her hair, which made Lola shudder still. She didn’t think it was important to tell him about that as she knew he didn’t mean anything by it, but it still caused her to freeze just for a fraction of a moment. “Coming!” she called from the kitchen and opened the door to see Marnie with a smiling Jas. 

“Good afternoon!” Marnie smiled, “We just wanted to drop some things off for you,” she handed Lola a basket that seemed to be full. It was covered with a handkerchief. Marnie’s smile didn’t move. 

“Thank you so much,” Lola said, “That’s so sweet of you,” and then seeing Jas rocking on her heels next to her aunt, “And Jas! It’s so good to see you too!” Lola smiled, hating this type of small talk. She thought she and Marnie were beyond this, but here she was, pretending they hadn’t gone through the worry of losing Shane together, “Would you like to come in?” 

“Oh yes, that would be lovely,” Marnie beamed even harder, and ushered Jas inside. 

Lola placed the basket on the coffee table, as they all sat on the couch. Jas sat on the end with her hands folded, dutifully waiting as the adults talked. Marnie sat in the middle, facing Lola, but no longer smiling. “Is there something you wanted to talk about?” Lola asked, lifting up the handkerchief covering the top of the basket to reveal two blocks of cheese, some eggs, and even a few muffins, surrounded by tiny pieces of candy covered in cellophane. “Oh, Marnie, this is too much.” 

“I just wanted to let you know that we’ve all been thinking of you,” Marnie placed her hand on Lola’s knee. 

“Uncle Shane’s been thinking about you too!” Jas piped up, peeking her head behind Marnie’s back, “but he’s too busy to come today. And I wanted to ask if you could read me some again.” 

Lola’s suspicion melted away, and she softened towards Marnie, “Oh, Jas, I’d love to read with you. Did you bring something for us to read?” 

Jas nodded, stood up, and sat between the two women dragging her backpack on the floor. “I brought Peter Rabbit because no one knows how to read it.” She handed Lola her small copy of _Petrus Cuniculus_ which Lola had brought to the picnic so long ago. 

“Alright, I’ll read,” she wrapped her arms around Jas, holding the book in front of her, but before she began, she caught herself and said, “Do you want anything to drink? There’s coffee in the kitchen, and you can help yourself.” 

“Oh, yes, thank you. That does sound nice,” Marnie stood up as Lola began to read in Jas in Latin and walked into the kitchen. Pouring herself a cup of coffee from the carafe on the counter, she noticed a bouquet of crocuses in a glass of water. She almost dropped her cup. 

“Lola?” Marnie asked, panic laced in her voice. 

“Yeah?” both Lola and Jas looked up from the book, silently waiting for some more information before they, too, started panicking. 

“Oh, um, these flowers are lovely.” 

“Thank you!” Lola smiled, and continued reading. 

Marnie stared at the flowers until Lola finished. 

“Are you sure you two wouldn’t like to stay for lunch?” Lola asked as Jas packed up her books. 

“I’m so sorry, I don’t want to impose any more than we already have,” Marnie’s voice sounded oddly formal. 

“Marnie,” Lola tentatively placed her hand on Marnie’s arm, “You two could never impose on me, especially not after I stayed all those nights while Shane was away. Please come back anytime, okay?” Lola turned to look at Jas directly, “And I _mean_ that, missy. Come whenever you want me to read to you. I have plenty more books.” 

“Okay! Thank you, Lola!” Jas cheerfully replied and started walking away. 

Marnie leaned into Lola with a hushed tone as Jas started walking ahead, “Something tells me that Shane wasn’t the one who gave you that bouquet in there.” 

Lola looked at her confused, and then clarity rang through her features. “Oh. _Oh_. It was Harvey.” 

“So things have gotten serious?” Marnie’s eyebrows raised. 

“I mean, I guess but--” 

“Shane’s been miserable lately. I guess I know the reason now.” 

“Wait, Marnie. Harvey isn’t--” 

“I mean, I understand Harvey’s a great guy. He’s so sweet, and the doctor, and--” 

“Marnie,” Lola tightened her grip on her shoulder, this time it was her turn to lean in, “I think we both know how I feel about Shane but--” 

“Yeah. I know. He’s a mess, and I thought you were helping him with that. He really seemed to have improved before the hospital and now it’s like he’s just as bad as he was before. Just with no alcohol. Still miserable. Really, I don’t blame you for choosing Harvey over him, Lola. I just thought he still had a chance.” Marnie turned to leave, as Jas got closer and closer to the southern exit of the farm. 

“Hey, I didn’t _choose_ Harvey. He was just the one who showed up. I just--” 

“I really don’t need to hear your excuses.” 

“I told Shane I loved him and then he ran away,” Lola blurted. 

Marnie looked at her in shock, “Oh. Oh yeah, that does sound a lot like him.” 

“and Harvey’s _here_ for me, Marnie. He’s never not been here for me. I know I love Shane. I love him so fucking much but we _burn_ each other. We really really do.” 

“I should go before Jas gets too far away,” Marnie looked down, feeling embarrassed for herself, for Shane, and-- 

“Can I still read to her?” 

“Of course. Just come on over to the ranch when you feel like it. You’re always welcome.”

\-- 

Harvey came over that evening as well. While they were high the previous night, Lola told him about her nightmares. Not what they were about, just that she had them. Immediately Harvey volunteered to stay with her every night until they went away. 

_“Won’t the townspeople get suspicious? Of you staying with me all the time?”_

_“It’ll make sense to them once I marry you,” he giggled, and then panic overtook his face, “I mean, assuming you wanted to. I know it’s only been--”_

_“This is our second date, Harvey,” Lola deadpanned._

_“I know, I just get too eager sometimes.”_

“Hey, what brings you here?” Lola said as she opened the door to Harvey, fresh from work, carrying two plastic bags of groceries, along with a backpack. He looked like a dad chaperoning a class picnic. 

“Last night I said I could stay with you because…” Harvey hoped Lola would finish his sentence. 

“Because?” 

“You told me you had nightmares, and I said I could come over every night and then _you_ said--” 

“OH, yeah. Sorry. Weed brain. I’m not as sharp as I was. Come on in.” 

“Have you been smoking again?” 

“No, I just forget a lot of things that happen when I _do_ smoke. But generally it does come back to me.” 

“I can’t imagine you being any sharper than you are now,” Harvey set down the groceries on the counter and took off his backpack. 

“Well, you better believe it because I used to _dream_ in Latin. Now I can barely dream at all.” 

“Maybe it’s all that weed.” 

Lola chuckled, “Harvey, I swear, I don’t do it more than once a month or so. And it’s your job as my doctor not to judge me for it.” 

“Alright, okay,” he turned from the counter to face her, and placed his hands on her waist, pulling her in close, “I don’t judge you for being a total pothead.” 

“Hey!” she pulled away, “Fuck, _you_.” 

“That’s my girl,” he said, kissing her on her lips, “I was starting to worry you’d grown soft.” 

“Soft? Never.” 

“Anyway,” Harvey turned his attention back to his groceries, “I’d thought I’d make you dinner tonight. Repay you for the pizza.” 

“What are you making?” 

“Fiddlehead risotto. I figured you’d like something creamy. But if I had known that you had fresh cheese, maybe I could’ve planned for something else.” 

“Oh, right, the cheese,” Lola said, recovering another memory, “Do you want to have it as an appetizer? I can make a bruschetta, or---” 

“Please don’t worry,” Harvey shook his head, “I want to treat you. So I planned us a three course meal.” 

“Harvey,” Lola started to chide him, “Did you have _any_ patients today? It’s flu season!” 

“Today was strangely slow. Mostly paperwork, and so I was able to daydream about this,” he smiled, rinsing the greens in her sink. 

“Is there anything I can do to help, at least?” 

“Yeah, sit down and pour yourself a glass of wine,” he shook off the excess water, “Or you can read me some Catullus while I cook for you.” 

Lola obliged, sitting down and beginning to uncork the bottle of wine Harvey had brought for them. Harvey stopped her, and began to open it himself, “Oh, come _on_. I could’ve done that.” 

With a flourish, he gave Lola the cork for her to smell, and poured her a sip into her wine glass. 

Eying him suspiciously, she took a sip, letting the bittersweet liquid coat her mouth. 

“Is that pleasing to you, miss?” he asked, preparing to pour a full glass for Lola. 

“It is satisfactory, thank you,” she smiled as Harvey took the wine glass from her and poured her wine. 

“Anything for you, dear,” he kissed Lola on her forehead, “Dinner will be ready soon,” and he kissed her again, this time on her mouth, tasting the wine on her lips. 

\-- 

Outside, the flurries from earlier in the day were picking up to a heavy storm. Desperate to get out of the ranch, but too nervous to go to the saloon, Shane found himself walking north. He wore a knitted beanie that Marnie had made for him when he was still in high school. The stitches were imperfect but it kept his head warm as he walked through the southern entrance of Lola’s farm. He didn’t quite know what he was doing there-- but he needed to be somewhere that wasn’t the saloon, wasn’t the ranch, wasn’t the dock. It was too cold to sit out there for long, and he had been dreaming of Lola’s fireplace and her soft skin against his. He had panicked the other day-- running out because he never had anyone say that to him so plainly and so passionately. But now he was dry and sick of stewing in his own anxiety about that. Wasn’t this what he wanted? For Lola to love him back? Wasn’t that why he wanted her to meet Jas? Before he fucked it all up and threw it away with four too many beers? Leaving the hospital had been terrible, he had been so fucking angry at Lola for putting him there. And for what? To lose hours at his dead end retail job and nights reading to his daughter? He still wanted to fucking lay down and rot, but the impulse wasn’t nearly as present as it once was. The suicidal ideations weren’t daily anymore, they only came on his worst days. Maybe the pills were helping. Maybe Lola knew that the pills would help him, too. He cursed himself for judging her for taking them-- how Harvey had mentioned it the night of her panic attack so casually, and something in him snapped. 

He walked up through Lola’s empty field, hoping to have the chance to apologize. The chance to tell her that he returned the feelings-- that he was still miserable, but if he had to be miserable with someone, it would be her. No-- he _wanted_ to be with her-- miserable, anxious, happy-- everything. He wanted to live out the rest of his good days and bad days with her, and he owed it to her to tell her. 

Shane stopped as soon as he saw Harvey’s car in front of her house. The wind picked up, surrounding him in whirlwind of snow, making Shane feel colder than he ever thought was possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few questions for y'all"
> 
> 1\. Should I write a Harvey sex scene??   
> 2\. Is this dragging too much?   
> 3\. Who do you want to see as endgame? (I honestly don't know, just curious where you're at)


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane has a doctor's appointment. 
> 
> TW: mentions of rape

Shane sat on the exam table with his feet dangling off the edge. The motion of his feet swinging back and forth reminded him of the dock at night, which made him want to drink. He looked up, seeing Jas’ handmade Wintersday card for Harvey on one of the cabinets. Jas. He was doing this for Jas, he had to remind himself. 

“Shane?” there was a knock on the door. 

“Come in,” he grumbled.

“Hey, there. I’m just here to check your vitals,” Maru, the nurse popped in, rolling a blood pressure machine, “Can I have your arm?” 

Shane obliged, taking off his ratty sweatshirt and rolled up the sleeve of his polo. 

Maru’s hands worked quickly and expertly as she wrapped the cuff around his bicep, placed the pulse meter on his middle finger, “Mouth?” 

“Huh?” 

“I gotta take your temperature.” 

“Oh right.” 

“Great.” After a moment a few beeps went off, “Okay, it looks good.” 

“Even my blood pressure?” Shane said, surprised.

“Yeah, was it high last time?” 

“Yeah, ugh, I guess I’m doing something right.” 

“Mmhmm,” Maru offered a polite smile, “The doctor will be right with you.” 

Shane inhaled and resisted the urge to leave. Marnie had been badgering to make this appointment for weeks, and for obvious reasons, he had put it off. _You need to take care of yourself, Shane_ she urged. He felt bad, since she had been taking care of him since he was a kid, and now she was taking care of _his_ kid. If he was doing this for anyone, it was for Marnie and Jas. He owed them to be alive, even if it meant getting his balls touched my Harvey. 

“Hello?” Harvey’s voice reverberated against the door.

His head sprung up,” Come in,” he coughed. 

“How have you been doing?” the doctor smiled, and sat down on a circular stool. The height difference, unusual for them, unnerved Shane. 

“Great,“ he lied.

“Just hear for a check up, I assume?” Harvey flipped through his notes on a clipboard. 

“Yep.” 

“Alright,” he clicked his pen multiple times as if he were thinking, “Your vitals look good. Your blood pressure has improved since last year,” he said with surprise in his voice. 

“I’ve cut out drinking’

“Have you? That’s great to hear,” Harvey’s voice had a tinge of genuine happiness, “How has your therapy been going? Did they put you on any medication?”

“I-uh--”

“Let’s start with the medication,” he crossed his legs and folded his hands on his knees, balancing the clipboard precariously on his lap.

“They put me on 300mg of wellbutrin?” it sounded more like a question, than a fact. The name of his medication still felt foreign to say. 

“How’s that going? Have you noticed any improvement?” Harvey’s pen began to move with impossible swiftness, scratching across the page. 

_wouldn’t this fucker like to know_ “Yep.”

“And have you reached out to the therapist?” He looked up, making eye contact. Important question. 

“Too far,” he coughed again. 

“Hmm, I see, and you must be busy with Jas,” he nodded, squinting at his patient. 

“Yep.” 

“She’s lucky to have someone as dedicated as you, but as a parent it’s important to take care of yourself too.” 

“Uh huh,” it was as if Harvey were responding from a script. Totally absent of any hostility he could have against Shane. It was like the past two months hadn’t happened between them. His professionalism surprised him and he wondered how long it would take for him to crack. 

“Have you tried scheduling a telemedicine appointment? It’s not the same as face to face, but it’s better than nothing” 

Shane exhaled through his nose, almost snorting. _better than nothing… that should be my fucking catch phrase_.

“Alright, if you start experiencing any extreme side effects, make sure you give me a call.”

“Sounds good.” 

“Okay, now I’m gonna ask you some questions, that may be uncomfortable but please know that your answers will remain completely confidential. Doctor-Patient, privilege, okay?”

“Sure.” _Fuck, it’s the sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll section._

“Are you currently sexually active?”

Shane paused for a moment, thinking about the implications of his answer. “Yes,” he met Harvey’s eyes and stared intently. 

“How recently?” 

“Last… month?” _Was it really that recent? It felt like years._ “Maybe two months ago.” 

Harvey looked down at his clipboard, clicking his pen as he prepared himself for the next question, “Did you use protection?” 

“No.” 

“I’ll put you down for an STD test, then.” 

_You should get one too._ he wanted to say, but just said, “Thanks,” flashing a cocky grin. 

His doctor swallowed, “And do you use any drugs or alcohol?” 

“Coffee. Last month I smoked some weed and mugwort-- I dunno if that counts. And I cut out drinking, as I said.” 

“Mugwort?” 

“It’s what the priests of Apollo smoked to have the _sight_.” 

“Well,” Harvey cleared his throat, “Maru will administer the blood test, and, uhm, I’ll see you around. Have a good day.” 

Shane saw him crack, and he was satisfied. After Maru took his blood, Shane got up to leave, but through the crack in the sliding door, he saw Harvey pacing up and down the hallway. Their eyes met for a moment before Shane surprised himself with breaking it, “Just-- take care of her, alright?” _or I’ll fucking kill you,_ he wanted to say, but swallowed his pride. 

He left feeling just a bit lighter, empowered by some sort of closure, but, still his heart crumbled with every step. 

\-- 

“You need to get an STD test,” Harvey said this suddenly, fork in hand at dinner. 

“Excuse me?” Lola was taken aback. He hadn’t said much since he came in besides a few pleasantries. Harvey _had_ gingerly kissed her, but he seemed to be avoiding her touch.

“I just think it’s a good idea if you got tested,” he took a bite of brussel sprouts. 

“Alright. I mean I get tested pretty regularly and you’ve _seen_ my chart so I’m just--”

“And you should start using protection,” he swallowed, and took a sip of wine. Lola had opted for sparkling water tonight as she started noticing how the alcohol interacted with her meds. She didn’t like it. It made her feel _worse,_ not better. 

“Where is this coming from?”

“I’m just looking out for you,” he managed a small smile, which disappeared as quickly as it came. 

“I feel like you’re talking about something else,” Lola sighed and leaned back, no longer eating. 

“It’s nothing,” Harvey said, avoiding her eyes, “Can we just eat, please?” 

“Tell me _why_ you think I should get an STD test and _why_ you suddenly have opinions about using protection.” 

“I’m your doctor, Lola.” 

Lola rolled her eyes, got up from her chair, and scraped her plate into the garbage. “Alright, Harvey. You wanna do this? We can fucking do this.” She walked into her room and came back holding a file and dropped it on the table. “Here are the results from my monthly STD tests for the past two years” She scowled, “Have a look. The most recent one is on the top. I’m clean.” 

“Oh-- I just…” 

“Just _what_ , Harvey? Why are you bringing this up?” 

“I know you had sex with Shane,” he said softly, looking down, now ashamed with himself. 

“Excuse you, what?” 

“He came into my office today for a check up and--” 

“That was before us.” 

“I know, I just felt like--” 

“Like I should’ve slept with you first?” Lola spit. 

“It was just surprising to me,” he shrugged, looking up at her from behind his glasses. It was as if he were a child trying to appear as innocent as possible. “You barely let me touch you, and I’ve been nothing but kind and understanding to you, and I _know_ you. I’m _here_ for you.” 

“I don’t owe you sex for being nice to me, Harvey.” 

He continued without listening, “And what has Shane done for you that I haven’t? That I can’t? Why _him_? Why aren’t I enough for you, Lola?” his green eyes welled with tears. 

“Oh, come _on_.” 

“I’m sorry, I’m just trying to understand you. And I _can’t_ ,” he started to cry. 

“You can’t understand why I wouldn’t want to have sex with you? Is that what you’re really crying about?” 

“I’m just trying to be safe, Lola,” he repeated his favorite line, “I’m just looking out for you.” 

“Looking out for me?” she screeched, “I feel like I’ve proved that I can look out for myself. That I’m a pretty damn good judge of what goes into my body,” she gestured at the file on the table. 

Harvey stared at the file in silence, trying to count his breaths like he did with Lola in the car on the way home from their first date, disastrous as it was. He finally said, “Why him, though? You could have anyone. Your _professor_ even--” 

“Raped me. I was so fucking beautiful, he raped me. Is that what you were going to say? That even my professor couldn’t help himself? Even my doctor? That even the laws of propriety couldn’t stop you two? Jesus fucking Christ.” 

“I’m not like him.” 

“Get out.” 

“What about your nightmares?” 

“I’ll fucking manage. Get out.” 

“Are you gonna call Shane when I leave?” he said sadly, not moving from his chair. 

“It’s none of your fucking business,” she got up, kicking her chair in. 

“He asked me to take care of you, you know. And that’s all I wanna do. I’ll sleep on the couch. I won’t touch you. I won’t talk about this again. I’m sorry. I’m really truly just trying to understand.” 

Lola took his plate and threw his scraps into the trash. 

“Darling, please. I shouldn’t have let that rattle me. I’m just so scared of losing you. I’m so lucky--” 

She silenced him with a glare, and then softened, seeing his broken face. It reminded her of the first time they met and she bit his head off for not knowing who Proba was-- that he was just excited then, and now, he was scared. He was acting out of fear. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, “but I think I’d rather spend tonight alone.” 

“Lola, I’m so _so_ sorry,” he cried into his hands. 

“It’s alright,” she gingerly placed her hand on his shoulder, “But I just would like to be alone, okay?” 

“Okay,” he wiped his tears from his eyes, “Will you call me?” 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” 

“I mean if you get scared. Promise you’ll call me.” _and not him._ , “I’ll come immediately. I’ll be whatever you need me to be. Just know that I’ll _always_ be here for you.” 

It sounded like a threat. 

Lola wordlessly, promiselessly, ushered him out the door. 

Breathing a sigh of relief as she locked herself in, she decided to take a shower. Once enveloped by the hot water, she sat down on the bathtub floor, feeling like a nymph in the forest rain. Washed of her sins, and of Harvey’s, she was able to exist in her home. She changed the sheets. She made a cup of tea. Lola sat, and breathed. And when her mind refocused, she read. Catarina Imperialis’ elegies, trying to find hidden meaning where maybe there wasn’t any. It was not the voice of Ovid that lulled her to sleep, but Catarina’s-- singing of spiders and webs. Work and sweat. Judgement of self worth. 

She called no one that night.

Instead, she slept with a kitchen knife on her bedside table, barricading her front door with her couch. Wrapping herself in fresh sheets, entangling herself in a web of her own creation, her own scent, and her own body, she found sleep. The nightmares came and went that night, but this time, she was able to wake up alone and alive. She had survived. This time, the spider lived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, uh? What do we think about Harvey? Good intentions or bad? Sensitive or manipulative?!?!?!! Because I'm not completely sure myself.   
> I really want to see Lola learn how to take care of herself before there's a ----decision-----. I think both men could figure their shit out before this is over, though. And I see myself writing weddings and childbirth scenes because of my childhood obsession with Little House on the Prairie. So uh??? That's for coming along on this WILD ride.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lola reads to Jas again. Shane grows up a little.

Shane woke from his post-work nap to the sound of Jas laughing. He smiled to himself, happy that she was happy, as she almost never laughed like that in the house. Maybe when she was around Vincent or her teacher, but he never had been able to hear it for long. He was always too bitter, tired, or hungover to really appreciate the sound of his goddaughter’s laughter. Now, as he lay in bed, allowing himself to listen-- it sounded like bells. It gave him the same joy sleigh bells would on a winter night as a child. But he was no longer a child-- and as an adult, by law, but certainly not by action, this kind of joy felt foreign to him. He wondered if he ever felt that kind of joy before. 

He rolled out of bed, wearing flannel pajama pants and a t-shirt. Looking at the clock, Shane groaned. 6:30pm. He had slept too much and now he would have a rough time falling back asleep after dinner. _At least there was dinner_ , he thought to himself. He had to still pay Marnie for rent, but she insisted he eat everything she cooked. She always wanted to feed him, and he was grateful. When he still lived in ZuZu City with Jas, he barely knew where their next meal was coming from. Always pilfering from convenience stores-- too ashamed to go to a food bank with a kid. Marnie had saved him. More times than he’d like to admit. 

“Okay, now what do you think happens next?” it was a familiar voice. A voice he was sure he wouldn’t hear again. _It’s you. It’s always been you._

Jas giggled, “I dunno! You gotta tell me!!” She stopped laughing when she saw Shane emerge from his room. 

He saw them-- Lola with Jas in her lap-- sitting on the floor. Lola rested her chin on Jas’s shoulder as she continued to read to her, but the words flew away as Shane looked at her. She wore a cream-colored sweater that seemed to glow from under her dark hair, which was now down and unbraided reaching well past her shoulders. She was smiling as her lips moved, her voice undulating with character and story. He looked at Jas, who was scared-- scared of him about to snap like he did the day after he got home. But instead of snapping at them, he smiled at Jas, putting her at ease. 

“Hey-- are you paying attention, missy? I’m reading for you!” Lola said playfully. 

“Sorry, Uncle Shane just got up.” 

Lola followed Jas’s gaze to where Shane was standing, her smile leaving her face, but her eyes still soft, “Hey. Marnie said I should come to read Jas. Sorry if I--” 

“You’re welcome anytime, dear,” Marnie’s voice called from the kitchen, “This is my house, after all.” The words could have been a threat, but she said them with a smile to Shane as she placed a casserole dish full of mashed potatoes on the kitchen table. 

The corner’s of Shane’s mouth twitched upwards, suggesting a shadow of happiness. He hurried into the kitchen to help Marnie set the table. 

“Well, aren’t you going to continue?” Jas said, leaning into Lola’s chest, “I wanna get to the end before dinner.” 

“Jas, honey, I don’t think that’s gonna happen tonight,” Marnie called, “Lola’s been reading to you almost all afternoon.” 

The little girl groaned, “Alright. But you’ll stay for dinner, won’t you?” she turned her little body onto her knees, facing her. Jas placed her hands on Lola’s shoulders and began to shake her, “Pleeaaassseeeeeeeee.” 

Lola pretended to ponder by looking at the ceiling, “Okay,” she smiled. 

“Yay!” Jas wrapped her arms around her and squeezed. 

Once everyone was sitting at the table, Marnie held her hands out with such quiet command that both Lola, who had never done this before, and Shane held them. Jas held Lola’s and Shane’s hands, her little fingers barely able to wrap around their palms. “Shane, it’s your turn tonight.” 

“Oh come on.” 

“Uncle Shaaaaaaannnnee,” Jas sang, “This is Marnie’s house, reMEMber?” 

Feeling shamed by a little girl, Shane closed his eyes, painfully aware of Lola across from him, and said his usual prayer that he composed in protest of saying grace as a boy, “Thank you for the food we are about to receive. Especially the chickens who gave their lives for this delicious meal. So brave. So selfless. May we all be like chickens in our own special ways. Amen.” 

Jas giggled, “That’s my favorite.” 

“He says that every night?” Lola whispered. 

“Only when we have chicken.” 

“I can hear you two,” Shane boomed from across the room, biting into a piece of fried chicken. He smirked with his cheeks full, looking like a chipmunk. 

“Don’t talk with food in your mouth!” Jas chided. 

Shane stuck his tongue out at Jas, covered in fried chicken and mashed potatoes. 

“Ewwww!!” she said, and then returned the gesture with her own tongue. 

“Both of you are so gross,” Marnie laughed, turning to Lola, “Thank you so much for coming,” she said, squeezing her hand. 

“Of course. I love reading to Jas,” she beamed at Marnie. It was true. Over the two weeks Shane had been gone, Lola had learned to enjoy reading to the little girl, and now she was reading to her in Latin. Being able to see her eyes wide with wonder and hunger for knowledge reminded Lola of herself. It made her feel like she was _doing_ something. She hated to admit it, but she envied Jas’s teacher-- a neighborhood girl whom she saw at a distance at the general store. She looked like she walked out of a children’s book-- red hair coiffed neatly, bright eyes. She was the exact opposite of Lola, who, like Shane, wore bags under her eyes with messy hair framing her face. 

Shane watched this exchange, seeing how his aunt had embraced Lola into their home. They looked at each other like old friends, there was an understanding between them that Shane couldn’t quite pick out. He felt inconsequential to their friendship-- but he also couldn’t help but to realize that it was him who brought them together. That drive up to the cliffs bound them in a way that Shane didn’t intend to, or didn’t think was possible to. He felt so shitty for pushing Lola away from him, from his family, when she needed them as much as he did. Maybe he was a shit person and had failed Lola, but Marnie and Jas certainly hadn’t. Why should they all suffer because he couldn’t get his act together? 

“Thanks for doing that,” he said. 

“Anytime.”

\-- 

“He doesn’t need to walk me home, Marnie. It’s so short. I’m right there. I’ll call you when I get back,” Shane heard Lola while they were washing the dishes. He and Jas were on the couch. She was snuggled under his arm, holding her teddy bear as they watched cartoons. It was getting late for a six year old, and bedtime was fast approaching.

“I’d just feel a lot better if someone was with you,” her voice was stern, yet soft. 

“I know. I would too.” Lola would be lying if she said that a walk home in the dark didn’t bother her. But she already felt like she had crossed a boundary with Shane. Confessing her love? Was she an idiot? And then coming to his house like some sort of fucking lunatic? 

“So why not give me peace of mind?” 

“Alright, Marnie. For you, okay?” 

\-- 

The night air was cold and fresh snow had fallen during the afternoon. Jas had fallen asleep on the couch, and Shane would tuck her in when he got back. Shane and Lola stepped outside the ranch in a tense silence. And in a familiar tense silence, they began to walk. It reminded Shane of the first couple of nights with her at the saloon-- silence punctuated by sips and bites. Except this time, it was the crunch of snow beneath their feet. Lola was the first to break when they entered the southern gate of her ranch. 

She began to blurt out words without pause, “I’m sorry if I intruded Marnie had called me and said that Jas had been begging for me to read to her and it’s winter so there wasn’t much for me to do around the farm anyway and you know how much I hate being alone so--” 

“It’s fine,” Shane shrugged, “I told you that you could come by anytime, remember?” 

“I just thought that changed after I--” 

“That didn’t change anything.” 

Lola looked slightly hurt. 

“I mean,” he closed his eyes and inhaled, realizing how it sounded, “it didn’t change how much you’re welcome at Marnie’s. Or how Jas feels about you.” _or how I feel about you._ , he wanted to add, but he knew it would only make things more difficult for Lola-- messier. She was with Harvey, and he had already fucked it up by rubbing it in the poor doctor’s face. Shane knew that he wouldn’t say anything to Lola about it. He was too _good_ too _professional_ to do something like that, wasn’t he? 

“Oh, okay. I’m glad, then,” Shane avoided looking directly at her as, for him, it was like looking directly into the sun, but he could hear the relief in her voice. 

“I’m sorry I freaked out a little,” he mumbled. 

Lola stopped and let out a laugh, “A little?” 

“Yeah, a little,” he smiled, “I’m sorry. Not that it matters anymore now that you and Harvey are official.” 

“Did Marnie tell you?” 

_I actually saw his car outside when I was going to confess my love for you._ “Yeah. She did.” 

“I’m sorry, Shane,” they were at her porch. They mirrored each other with arms folded across their chests, trying to keep warm. 

“Don’t be sorry,” he shrugged, “I get it. I fucked up.” 

“I shouldn’t have said that so… soon, though. I--” 

“Listen. It’s fine. Don’t even worry about it. We’re all messes. I know _you’re_ messy,“ he smiled at her, but avoided her eyes “And I’m glad you’re doing better. I just want-- I mean... Are you happy? Is he a creep?” 

“No… I mean, yes. I am happy. No, he isn’t a creep.”

“Well… good. Just know that I’m here for you. You don’t need to have the fucking town doctor call Marnie to get me. And Jas… well, I’m just glad Jas has someone like you around.” 

“Like me?” Lola looked surprised. 

“Yeah someone who can babysit her and not think that I’m a total deadbeat,” Shane smirked. 

“Oh, so I’m a babysitter now?” she chuckled, condensation exploding from her lips. 

“Advanced tutor. Whatever. I should be getting back now,” he stretched in an exaggerated yawn, “You should still text Marnie, though. She gets worried about us messes.” 

“I will,” Lola turned to open the door to her house. 

“And Lola?” Shane looked up at her from the bottom of her porch steps. 

“Yeah?” 

“Thanks for taking me to the hospital.” Shane stood up straighter and looked Lola in the eye. It was one of the most earnest things he’s said. There was no smile. No smirk. No hint of sarcasm. Just gratitude. It surprised him. 

“I would say anytime. But I fucking hope I never have to do it again.” 

\--   
Lola closed the door and took off her jacket, leaning against the rough wood of her front door. She locked up, double checking each gear and turn three times. She pulled on the door for good measure. She tested the windows. Once satisfied, she changed into her pajamas and got into bed. Shane had been surprisingly mature tonight-- given the fact that Marnie seemed to delight in embarrassing him, but something had changed-- like he had mellowed out. Like he was more in control. She turned this over in her mind and reached for her phone. 

Harvey: Hey, just wanted to check in. I’m sorry again. Let me know if you need anything 

Harvey: I’m so sorry. 

Harvey: It’s snowing out. Make sure to dress warm, okay? 

Harvey: Sorry about that last message. I just really care about you. 

Harvey: Call me to say good night? 

Lola didn’t know if she should bring up what had happened to Shane. It felt unethical. Who he had sex with or how he had sex shouldn’t be coming up in conversations after family dinner, especially when he had walked her home. Harvey, on the other hand, had seen him as a threat-- had taken his medical history and weaponized it against her. Or at least that’s what it felt. Pushing past any instinct and impulse to ignore Harvey’s messages she called him. He picked up at the first ring. 

“Hello?” 

“Hey, I’m going to bed now. I’m just calling to say good night.” 

Harvey let out a sigh of relief, “Did you have a good day?” 

“Yeah, I did,” Lola paused choosing her words carefully, “I read to Jas today.” 

For a moment there was no response, “How was that?” 

“It was really nice. She wants to learn Latin and she’s such a sweet kid.” 

“That’s really good to hear. I’m glad you were able to do that,” his voice was tense, but at least he was trying. 

Lola waited for him to ask if Shane was there. She didn’t bring it up. “Well, I gotta go to sleep now. Talk to you in the morning.” 

“Good night.” 

Lola was able to sleep without barricading her door. She still kept the knife by her bedside table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I wrote this and actually went back and edited it. Who AM I? I hope this is good. I'm so blown away by the amount of hits and I'm so surprised that so many people would like something so.... niche. I wrote this for me and my friend really and I'm just so happy that other people who I DON'T EVEN KNOW are enjoying it.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harvey apologizes some more and Lola gets an invitation 
> 
> TW: mentions of rape

“Hello?” Lola picked up her phone. She had been jamming some of her frozen berries-- trying to stretch her harvest through the long winter. Stirring the pot on the stove with one hand, and in the other a book about raising animals. This year may have been a wash, but she was determined to get her shit together come spring. 

“Good morning, Lola,” she paused her stirring, and began again. 

“Hi, Harvey.” she said, trying to keep her voice crisp but not angry, or even annoyed. 

“Would you mind if I came over today?” he asked. His voice full of boyish bashfulness, stunned her a bit. Usually Harvey just came over. 

“Sure…” Lola checked the clock on her stove. 10am. “What time?” 

“I can come after the clinic closes at 3. Is that okay with you?”

“Uh. Sure. Yeah. Okay. Thanks for asking.” She hung up and continued to stir. 

Lola spent the rest of the day transferring the berries to the rest of her jars and packing them up into boxes. She figured she could drop them off first thing tomorrow at the general store. At exactly 3:15pm, there was a knock on her door. She opened it to see Harvey standing there with a fresh bouquet of flowers and a book under his arm. He wore a hat that caused his brown curls to almost cover his eyes, which were full of nothing but remorse. She had to fight her eyes from rolling. 

“Hey. Thanks for having me,” his words trembled over a straight line, as if he were about to burst into tears. 

“Do you wanna come inside?” she stepped out of the way. 

“If that’s alright, yes.” 

“Yes, it is. We--” Lola stopped herself, “Yes. Thanks for asking.” She felt bad about snapping at him the other day-- interrupting him and jumping to conclusions-- that may or may not have been true. He hadn’t denied anything, though. She wondered if he was going to deny anything today. Lola awkwardly took the bouquet from him and set it on the coffee table.

Harvey stepped into the house, warmed by the fireplace. He slipped off his shoes, placing them gingerly by the door, and hanging his jacket on one of the hooks on the wall. Lola sat on the couch and gestured for him to take the seat on the other side. He accepted. And he began to speak. His eyes moved from Lola to the floor and back at her. He was nervous, but there was something practiced about this-- as if he’d done this before. 

“So… ugh… I talked to my therapist and she recommended that I read this book,” he placed it on the coffee table, _You Can Help: A Guide for Family & Friends of Survivors of Sexual Abuse and Assault_, “I didn’t read the whole thing yet, but she gave me some chapters to focus on so I’m doing that… and I just want to say that--” 

“You’re seeing a _therapist_? Since when?” 

“Since... always. Anyway... I wrote this for you and I thought I should read it since sending it in the mail just seemed rather… cowardly,” Harvey reached for his jacket to pull out a piece of paper. 

Lola was stunned. _He read a fucking book? Am I that much of a mess that someone needs a manual to be able to talk to me? Am I being crazy? Did I overreact?_

“Do you mind if I read it to you?” 

“Sure. Go ahead,” she whispered. 

“My therapist and I talked about how what I implied about your professor was deeply insensitive and inappropriate. I hadn’t realized how much he had hurt you, that he was the person who raped you, as you said when we first met. And for that, I feel incredibly foolish-- not only as a doctor but as a boyfriend. I also wanted to apologize for bringing up your history with Shane,” he paused, swallowing, “as it showed that I am deeply insecure about our relationship and am obviously threatened by him,” his eyes moved off the page to meet Lola’s, which were staring intently, stoically, “I know that I have no right to your body, and that you’ve struggled with that before. I’m trying to understand that, but I know that I never will truly be able to. I struggle a lot with control, and I’m sorry if I-- that I-- let that get in the way of us. I love you and--” 

“Stop,” Lola frowned. 

“What?” 

“I just-- that was a lot. That was great. But that was a lot. I…” she inhaled and chose her words carefully, “I really appreciate the work you put into this apology. I just don’t know if I’m there yet with you to say that--” 

“I’m sorry, but I couldn’t _not_ tell you. That’s how I feel. I love you, and I just want the best for you.” 

“Do you think you’re the best for me?” it was a genuine question that Lola had been asking herself. 

“I don’t think I am now, but I think I could be,” he was determined. 

Lola was silent, and looked down at the couch cushion between them. 

“I understand completely if you’re not there yet. I don’t expect you to be.” Harvey continued to read, causing Lola to cover her mouth with her hands. Her brows knit together. “I just want to make it clear to you that I only have the best intentions. I’m _in love_ with you, Lola. I want to marry you and have children with you. I see you as my wife, the mother of my children, and it kills me to know what you’ve gone through and how I’ve hurt you. I never want to hurt you again.” 

She turned away from him and stared up at her wooden ceiling. Silence. She needed silence. This was too much. She understood why Harvey had acted the way he did, but she wasn’t expecting this. She wasn’t expecting to be read a fucking essay about love and pain and being Mrs. Harvey Smith. A part of her wanted to vomit. Another part wanted to scoot closer to him and smell. The thought of being close to him, though-- and the fear of him sniffing her hair-- kept her on her side of the couch. 

“Lola?” he asked after a few moments, “Are you alright?” 

“Can you pour me a glass of wine?” she said, still staring at the ceiling. 

“It’s not even 4pm.” 

“Oh.” 

“Do you want me to leave?” 

That question snapped her out of it. _I… ugh… I gotta go..._ She winced. “No. I just need some time to process.” 

“Can I hold your hand?” 

Lola nodded, but didn’t turn her head. 

Harvey sat closer to her and intertwined his fingers with hers. He mirrored her and stared at the ceiling with her. “I should’ve edited it before I read it to you.” 

“No. It’s fine. I get it.” 

“You do?” 

“More than you hopefully will ever know.” 

“That’s good to hear,” he rubbed his eyes under his glasses. 

“I’m just--- I’m such a mess, Harvey. You don’t need this. I came here to get away from everything to just exist on the farm and be _in control_ for once in my fucking life,” she turned to look at him, “You don’t need to be here while I figure that out.” 

“But what if I want to be?” 

“Then I’d tell you that you’re a crazy person.” 

“My therapist would say otherwise,” he chuckled. 

“I think… I think I just need some space right now. I don’t need a boyfriend. I don’t even know what I need…” she closed her eyes and inhaled. “Maybe I need a therapist.” 

\-- 

Lola went over to Marnie’s ranch in the evening to read to Jas. It was just past dinner as Lola felt guilty about being another mouth to feed two nights in a row. Shane answered the door. 

“Hey, thanks for coming,” he smiled with one corner of his mouth, “Marnie set aside a plate for you.” 

“Ugh, Marnie,” she groaned, stepping into the house. 

“I know. She insisted. It’s good though, green bean casserole.”

“In winter?” 

“Canned beans from Joja,” he shrugged as they walked deeper into the house. 

Lola looked at him suspiciously. 

“No, I didn’t _pay_ for them, if that’s what you’re worried about. We’ll be sure to buy your green beans once you can grow them.” 

She made an approving sound as she walked into the living room. Jas, already in her pajamas, was on the couch. 

“Guess who’s here, stinky,” Shane said as he ushered Lola in ahead of him. She could feel his fingertips on the small of her back. _Oh, no._ Images of him holding her in bed, on the dock, walking home from the saloon, any moment of previous contact, came flooding back to her. His fingertips left shadows under her sweater. She wanted to wrap her arms around him right then and there. 

“Finaallllyyyy,” Jas said, “Let’s read in my bed because I’m getting sleepy,” the little girl took Lola by the hand into her room. Once inside, Lola cuddled with her on her lap, letting her turn the pages. She oo-d and aa-d at the new sounds she was hearing, trying to copy Lola’s accent. _Julia cantat. Julia cantant? Julia cantat. Marcus et Quintus non cantant._ They read until Jas could barely stay awake. Her eyelids got heavy and she leaned into Lola’s chest mid-sentence. 

“She had a long day,” Shane said, leaning on the door frame. _Had he been watching the whole time?_ He walked over to maneuver his goddaughter off of Lola’s lap into a sleeping position.

“Did not, Uncle Shane,” she mumbled. 

“Did too, kiddo. We spent all that time making an igloo.” 

“For the Junimos…” 

“Yeah for the junimos. But, sleep tight, okay? Love you.” Shane kissed Jas’ black hair. Lola felt his hand on her shoulder. She closed her eyes, willing her mind not to go there. He squeezed, “I can walk you home.” 

\--   
As they walked through the snow, silence hung over them until Lola chose to break it with something inane, lacking in any kind of tensions. 

“How has work been?” 

“Ugh… can I be honest?” 

“Of course.” 

“It’s terrible.” 

“Working retail for Joja? I believe it.” 

“It’s not just that. I just my manager and the fucking company and everything they stand for. They pay us below minimum wage and write it off as charity work because we’re “volunteers.” Like anyone would willingly go work for them without the threat of fucking starving… and did you know that they’re trying to run the general store out of town? Mayor Lewis is about ready to give up and let them. It’s fucking depressing.” 

“Boy, do I have a book for you,” Lola chuckled, happy to hear Shane’s voice. She understood what he was going through. Academia money was never enough and she had worked her share of retail jobs to make ends meet in the city. 

“I don’t need a fucking book. I need a pipe bomb to blow up Joja mart”

“Maybe you and the other employees should start talking, you know? Compare hours and wages. Start a group chat or something,” she exhaled to see the fog come from her lips/ 

“Yeah, I guess,” he kicked some snow, “too bad I hate talking to people.”

“And I bet you hate being a joja zombie too. So what’s worse? 

“You have a point…” he rocked back and forth on his heels, like Jas did. They were at Lola’s porch now. The walk seemed much shorter with conversation. “Anyway...Marnie wanted me to ask you what you were doing for the feast of the winterstar.” 

“I hadn’t thought about that,” Lola stared right through him. 

“We figured you’d see your parents or something, but in case you weren’t we didn’t want you to have to spend the holiday alone.” 

_We._ The word enveloped her like a warm blanket. “Thank you,” she whispered. 

“No problem,” Shane flashed a grin her way, “So… ugh... Let me know,” he rubbed the back of his head with his hand, “I’d-- We’d-- love to have you.” He ran.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay was not expecting Shane to be a Joja unionizer, BUT here we are.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lola and Shane go to a school event for Jas. Kinda cute. Fluffy.

On one of their many walks home, Shane needed to ask Lola something-- something for Jas, “Hey.. uh.. What are you doing next Friday?” 

Lola looked up and hummed, “mmm, I don’t know… reading to Jas as I always do?” 

“Well I don’t think you could do that next Friday.” 

Lola stopped, “What? Why? 

“She has this winter recital then and she asked me to ask you if you could come. She obviously wants you there, but is too shy to ask.” 

“Is Marnie going?” 

“She has to watch the shop at that time.” 

“Okay… How would we get there?” The school was a good while away, in the town next over to them It served the whole valley, but was still remarkably small. 

“I can drive us in the truck,” Shane blushed. 

“Alright then. Can’t wait.” 

\-- 

Lola walked down to Marnie’s ranch the day of Jas’s recital. She was probably over dressed for the occasion, but wanted to at least look like an adult. She was all too familiar with school recitals. Other parents were always there, and she didn’t think they would judge someone like Shane-- a godfather fresh out of the mental hospital-- very well. OR maybe she was over thinking it. Shane met Lola at the entrance of Marnie’s house. 

“Wow, you clean up nice,” he said, flashing her a grin. She was wearing a wool grey sheath dress with a dainty gold necklace. 

She tried to will the blood away from her cheeks. “Thanks, so do you.” Shane had shaved and was wearing a button down and tie, “but, ugh, who taught you how to tie a tie?” 

Shane blushed, “Oh ugh…” 

“May I?” Lola’s hands swiftly untied the knot at the base of Shane’s throat, and re-tied it in a full windsor. 

“Who taught _you_ how to tie a tie?” 

“Private school.” Lola looked around, “Where’s Jas?” 

She heard her little feet and felt her body run into her, “GOOD, you’re here,” she squeezed, “Uncle Shane we gotta go or we’re gonna be late!” 

“Alright, alright. Do you have everything?” Shane got down to eye level with Jas, who was wearing an angel costume, “Halo? Wings? Snacks?” 

“Yes. Yes! YES!!” Jas turned around and showed him her backpack. White feathery wings were pointing out the top. 

“Okay, looks good. Let’s get in the car.” 

“Aunt Marnie! We’re leaving!” 

Marnie came running down stairs. She hugged everyone, saving Lola for last, “you enjoy this now, alright?” she pulled back and squeezed the tops of her arms. _Was Marnie not going so that Shane and I could have some time alone? Is this crazy?_ But before Lola could entertain that thought, she was ushered into the truck. It was the same one that Marnie had driven to find Shane that night. Lola was sitting in the passenger seat again, and it felt surreal to see Shane at the wheel and not his aunt. 

“All buckled?” he called over his shoulder? 

“Yes, cap’t!” she said, kicking her feet as they floated from her booster seat. 

“How about you, Lola? Are you ready?” 

She paused, as it all started to dawn on her.Would the other parents think she was Shane’s girlfriend? Wife? What were they? What were they even doing? They were obviously both there for Jas, but what would happen during the actual recital? Lola hadn’t thought that far ahead.   
“Yep. All set, captain.” 

Shane drove confidently. It hadn’t snowed in a few days so the roads were free from ice and snow. He was able to switch lanes with ease, that he hummed and whistled as he was driving. Lola felt as if she were watching him from another room. Jas hummed along with her godfather, and she didn’t quite know when or how to come in. But sensing the connection and love between the two made her heart swell. She felt lucky just to witness that kind of tenderness. 

The ride to the school had only been about twenty minutes. Shane was telling Lola about how they were lucky-- some students lived even further away where there was nothing but farmland. At least Pelican Town was a town. Once they pulled in, Lola saw little children, some older and younger than Jas running into the school building as soon as their parents unlocked the door. Shane turned around and smiled at Jas, “Hey, good luck, alright, kiddo?” he placed his hand on her knee and squeezed. 

“But Uncle Shane...”

“Yeah?” 

“I don’t wanna go anymore.” 

Lola turned around to see Jas pouting and rolling her chin to her chest as if she were trying to fold herself in half. 

“Alright, do you wanna go home then?” 

She shook her head. 

“Are you nervous?” Shane asked. 

She nodded. 

“Aw, Jas, that’s okay.You’re gonna be great. You’ve been practicing for me and Marnie all month.” 

“But what if I mess up?” 

“Nothing happens,” Lola said. 

Shane looked at her. 

“If you mess up, we won’t notice. We’re just all happy to see you onstage,” Lola offered a smile. 

“Everyone won’t laugh at me?” 

“Jas, if anyone laughs at you, I’ll punch ‘em in the face,” Shane said 

She giggled. He would, too. 

“And besides,” his eyes flitted towards Lola and back to Jas, “It’s important to do things even if you’re nervous. It’s never good to run away from anything.” 

Jas smiled. “Okay I’ll do it then,” and she was off. 

Shane and Lola gently followed behind, seeing a young woman with coiffed hair at the entrance. The school teacher who had definitely seen her _and_ Shane at the general store hungover and grumpy. “Oh Mr. Miller!” the teacher said, “it’s so good to see you coming to support your daughter.” 

“Good to see you too,” he grumbled. 

The teacher turned to Lola, “And you must be Miss Lola. Jas says so many good things about you!” she smiled while her eyes darted between Shane and Lola.

Lola couldn’t place if that was judgement or excitement. “And you are?” 

“Penny. They students call me Miss Penny,” she smiled harder,” Shane and Lola looked at each other awkwardly, “Well, there’s some refreshments in the gym while we get the children ready. How about you two go in and help yourself. 

“Will do,” Shane said gruffly, and with his hand on the small of Lola’s back, they walked in. Lola tried not to let her mind wander at Shane’s touch. God, she felt so pathetic. He had obviously rejected her and she felt herself longing for him like a puppy. Like Harvey did for her. And she couldn’t understand why he would have invited her in the first place if it weren’t for Jas. 

Once they got into the gym covered in Winterday decorations-- pine garland and trees, star drop fruits, and angels, it felt as if all the parents’ eyes turned towards them. Lola noticed all the wedding rings on the couples’ hands and it dawned on her that Shane may be the only single dad at this school. Single dad with a drinking problem, if they knew. After a moment all the parents went back to their private conversations at different tables, and Lola and Shane headed towards the snack section to have something to do with their hands. 

“What the fuck was that about?” Shane said as he placed cheese and crackers on his small paper plate. 

“Yeah, that was super weird, I’m sorry,” Lola whispered. 

“It’s fine,” he shrugged, “I just hoped it wouldn’t happen this year.” 

“Let’s go sit down,” she suggested, gingerly placing her hand in the crook of his arm. Before the feeling could melt into her bones, they both heard a voice behind them. 

“Shane? Is that really you?” 

They turned around to see a woman with red hair swept into a side ponytail. “It’s so lovely you’ve decided to come this year. I mean, last year was just… _so sad_ wasn’t it?” 

Shane grumbled. 

“Well, aren’t you going to introduce me to your _friend_?” she giggled, covering her hand with her mouth. The gesture made Lola want to slap her across the face.. 

“I’m Lola” she reached out her arm and deadpanned, “Jas’ Latin tutor.” 

“Oh. Why, isn’t that _interesting_ ,” she giggled again, “I’m Jodi. Vincent’s mom. He and Jas are close friends… or maybe even moooore,” she smiled and forced a laugh, “Vincent’s been _so_ well behaved lately, and I think your Jas might have something to do with itttt.” She sang again. 

“Funny,” Shane said, “Well, see you a--” 

“Why something more?” Lola asked, cocking her head to the side, “They’re six.” 

“Oh, it’s just a joke. You know, puppy love. It’s cute, isn’t it?” 

“It’s cute to play matchmaker with children?” 

“I mean-- it’s just a joke.. They kids!” 

“And you think it’s cute to treat all of your son’s female friends as potential mates? Which will probably ruin the way he looks at women for the rest of your life?” the words fell from her mouth before she could stop them. 

Shane’s mouth hung open, and looked at Jodi. 

Jodi looked at them both and just smiled, “Well! That’s an interesting thought, isn’t it!” she smiled harder and wrinkled her nose, “Maybe if you didn’t settle you wouldn’t feel so bitter towards six year old boys.” 

He looked at Lola. 

“I’m not bitter towards children, just to poor parenting choices.” 

Penny’s voice interrupted them before Jodi could return the jab, “Alright! Parents!... and guardians, please make your way to the auditorium so we can start the show!” 

Lola quickly pulled Shane away so that they could get seats, “holy shit,” he whispered, his mouth full of pepper jack cheese, “How did you do that?” 

“Do what?” she whispered back as they were handed programs from one of the many teachers. 

“Tell her to fuck off with out actually _telling_ her to fuck off.” 

“Oh… years of practice I guess.” 

The recital was a series of scenes with short performances from each grade. Jas’ grade, the first grade, had a poem recitation about the miracle of the Wintersday Star. They imitated Miss Penny’s movements who directed them from the front on her knees. Jas was front and center, following along to a T. Lola was pleased to see a little boy next to her, who she assumed was Vincent, lag behind Jas, constantly looking between his friend and his teacher. Lola looked over at Shane, who was beaming with pride as he saw his little girl practically lead her class. Although, Lola was sure that if Jas weren’t so good, he’d be just as excited. Seeing the other parents record their kids, Lola felt pressured to bring up her phone and record Jas. 

“That was amazing!” Shane said, as Jas ran into his arms after the performance. He picked her up and swung her around, “I can’t believe you were nervous at all.” 

Jas returned the hug, “It’s all because you were there looking at me, Uncle Shane!” she giggled, and nuzzled her nose against his. Shane put her down and she immediately ran into Lola. She squeezed, “Thank you so much for watching me. Did you like it?” Jas looked up at her. 

“It was perfect,” Lola smiled, and hugged Jas. Surprising herself, she picked Jas up as she clung to her. “They all walked to Marnie’s truck, immune to the whispers and the gazes from the parents. If they were any-- Lola and Shane had convinced themselves that the other parents were just too involved with their own kids to care about some young odd couple. 

“Need help?” Shane asked as Lola opened the car door, “Her booster seat is a little tricky.” 

“I can do it myself, Lola,” Jas piped up. 

“I think we’re okay,” she smiled back at him as she leaned into the backseat of the truck. Once she got Jas settled, she got into the front seat next to Shane. He was putting in a CD into the radio. 

“What are we listening to?” 

“The Doors?” 

“Edgy,” she mused. 

“Don’t judge. I’m just in the mood right now,” his crooked smile gave Lola a pang so strong she pulled out her phone to distract herself. 

They listened to Jim Morrison’s drunk slurring voice sing “Love her madly,” as Jas started to fall asleep in the backseat. She had three text messages. All from Harvey. 

Harvey: Hey, haven’t heard from you. Are you okay? 

Harvey: Let me know when you get home, I like hearing my voice before I go to sleep. 

Harvey: Sorry that was weird. 

“Ugh,” she said aloud. 

“Hmm?” Shane was humming to the music. 

“Harvey’s being weird.” 

“Does he know you’re with me?” Shane asked. She noticed that he only kept one hand on the steering wheel-- the other draped casually across the bench seat. 

“No.” 

“Hmm.” 

“What.” 

“Maybe you should’ve.” 

“I don’t really think it’s any of his business.” 

“Isn’t he your boyfriend?” he placed both hands on the wheel now, aware of how he had gone into Lola’s space. 

“Not really.” The car swerved the tiniest bit. 

“Oh. So like...?” 

“I dunno.” 

“You should still answer him, though. I’d be worried if I were in his shoes.” 

Lola stared at him. _You easily could be, you fucking idiot. Just LOOK at me. I mean, not now, because you’re driving. But wouldn’t you say you WERE in his shoes? Shane? HUH?_ “Yeah, I guess I should.” 

She typed, “Leaving the elementary school from Jas’ recital. Too tired to talk tonight. Thanks for checking in.” 

He responded immediately, “Well, give Shane my best.” 

“Harvey says “hi,” Lola said darkly. 

“Hi.” 

“Sorry, actually he said ‘Give Shane my best.’” 

They both let out a laugh. “Wow. WOW. _WOW_ ” 

“What?” Lola laughed, “That’s how he talks.” 

“I almost forgot. God, that’s insufferable. How did you deal with that?” he felt relief. Like he finally took off a pair of pants that were too tight, or sitting after a long shift at Joja Mart. 

“I didn’t,” Lola shrugged, feeling the tiniest bit guilty of making fun of Harvey with Shane. But it felt normal-- familiar. It felt like they were finally friends again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, I feel like this took me a while to get up because things were kinda hectic at work-- that is, I decided to go out for a walk during my lunch instead of writing more. I made a tumblr! Follow me at croissantinstrument.tumblr.com (It's pretty empty except for SDV stuff but I hope to talk to y'all over there as well!) 
> 
> I still have to publish the playlist-- which I felt was relevant for the first half of chapters but now that we're in the second half, it seems not as relevant-- or maybe I just listened to it too many times. Anyway! See you on tumblr/tomorrow when I update again.


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane makes a confession.

“Hey, Jas,” Lola whispered over her shoulder as Shane pulled into her farm, “I gotta go now, okay?” 

Shane gently shook his goddaughter’s knee, “We’re almost home, okay? Say good-bye to Lola.” 

Jas managed a sleepy wave.. 

“Ugh, it’s gonna be impossible to change her out of that angel costume,” Shane groaned. 

“I’m sure she won’t even wake up.” 

“Let’s hope so,” he smiled at her, both of them pausing as their faces were inches away from each other, as they both turned around to Jas. 

Lola smiled and bit her bottom lip, but caught herself and let go, forcing her mouth into a frown, “Well, thanks for driving me back. This was fun.” She scooted over to the door and opened it, stepping out. 

“No problem. Good night,” he offered a small wave from the steering wheel, “It meant a lot to Jas to have you there.” 

“Of course. Good night,” she waved. 

Lola let herself into her house, changing out of her “professional clothes” as quickly as possible. It had surprised her how long it had been since she had to wear something like that. Usually she was in variations of muddy pants and work shirts that putting on a _dress_ for an occasion felt foreign to her. But she had worn a dress, fairly recently though. On her date with Harvey to the neighboring town. She winced. Where she had seen her professor and had been retraumatized. Lola turned up the heat in the shower. 

As she was drying off her phone rang. She checked the caller ID, and was relieved it was Harvey and not her professor-- although it was unlikely for him to get her number, the fear was still there. 

“Hey, sorry, I’m about to go to bed,” she said quickly as she dried off. _Didn’t I tell him that I couldn’t talk tonight?_

“No, I’m sorry. I was just worried about you getting home alright.” 

“He just dropped me off. I’m okay.” 

Harvey sighed, “Okay. Good. I’m glad. I was worried you’d have to walk back from the ranch by yourself.” 

“Thanks for checking in, but I think I’m okay. I trust Shane and you should too.” Lola tried to be firm, but not angry. She was trying to be sensitive to Harvey’s worry, but, fuck, was it hard when this was constant. 

“Okay, if you say so.” Lola could imagine him pinching the skin between his eyebrows. “I’m just… I’m afraid of seeing him hurt you again.” 

“Shane’s never hurt me.” 

“Are you forgetting the cliffs? How he pushed you away? Things might be good now, but what are you going to do when he decides it’s too much again?” 

Lola froze. “Jesus, Harvey. I _told_ you. It was a thing for Jas. Can’t you be happy that we’re both trying to be there for her?” 

“Is it for her or for her godfather?” 

“I’m not answering that.” 

“Suit yourself. I’ll let you get to bed. A good night’s sleep is important. Sleep well.” 

“Good night.” She threw her phone across the room. Where did he get off speaking to her like that? Did he still think they were together? Was she not clear? Lola was too exhausted to try to reason with him on this, especially in her own mind. 

_I’m afraid of seeing him hurt you again_

Harvey’s voice repeated itself over and over again in Lola’s head as she tried to go to sleep. In a way, he was right. She had confessed her love to Shane and he ran out. He ran away from her, afraid of being close to her. She had known she had loved Shane from the beginning, but he wasn’t having it. Or at least, it seemed that way to her. She understood that impulse all too well. It only made her want him more. Want him to be in her life, want to be there for Jas in whatever capacity she could be-- whatever way he would allow her to. She understood Harvey’s longing for her, as that’s what she felt for Shane-- which is exactly why she continued to put up with him. It wasn’t exactly that just pity, though. She did, in fact, enjoy their moments together, and how he looked at her with such love and adoration, until he, of course, let himself get the better of him. Now she was just letting him feel like he was close to her, but it was getting exhausting. 

Lola rolled over to the other side of her bed, cool from her absence. She thought about the night Shane came in the soaking rain and she let him have her. And he let her have him. Certainly he could let her in like that again, couldn’t he? She closed her eyes and prayed where Shane once lay there, holding her, becoming one with her, giving her something he didn’t know he had in the first place. Lola wanted _that_ , more than anything again. She wanted to feel special, let in-- and Shane matched her in hostility that it just drew her in more, but she had given up being hostile with him. And apparently he had given up being hostile to her as well. For the time being, she thought, as Harvey’s words creeped back into her mind. _Things might be good now, but what are you going to do when he decides it’s too much again?_ The answer Harvey was hoping and dreading was, “I’ll come back to you. I’ll come to my senses and see that you’re the one.” But Lola didn’t know her answer. “When he decides it’s too much again?” Shit, it’s always too much. And she wasn’t worried about what would happen to _her_ if Shane went off the deep end. She would be fine. She thought that if she survived something once before, she could certainly survive it again. Lola was worried about Jas. Jas-- the little girl who scared her so much, who now gave her something to stay around for. Jas-- the child whose life she had almost destroyed by bringing her godfather down with her into her black hole. And now, Lola felt a _responsibility_ to Jas. To Marnie. If Shane truly self-destructed, she knew she wouldn’t have to rush into Harvey’s arms. Because the family at the ranch was now hers. 

Suddenly, she heard a knock at the door. Grabbing her phone as her flashlight she started walking to the door, finally peering into her peek hole. Speak of the fucking devil. 

“Shane?” Lola opened the door a crack, afraid of what she might do. 

“Lola,” he said, leaning into the crack in the door. His breath didn’t reek of alcohol, but there was a hint of beer. 

“You’re drunk.” 

“It was just one.” 

“Are you alright?” 

“I’m so stupid, Lola. Please let me come in…” he pushed his forehead into the crack of the door, so that his nose barely touched hers, “It’s cold.” 

He almost stumbled in. 

“It seems like more than just one,” she said. 

“Alright, you caught me,” he slurred. 

“I’m gonna get you a glass of water,” she said, almost tempted to call Marnie. No, she had dealt with enough of this. It was her turn. This was her penance. She handed Shane the glass of water, which he gulped and placed on her coffee table. 

“Do you want to watch something?” she offered.

“No.” 

“What do you want, then?” she tried to sound concerned. 

“I want you to hold me,” he said, eyes sad, looking at Lola like a lost dog. 

“Are you sure?” Lola felt as if she were dreaming. She turned on the light and looked at Shane. He was completely different from the dad he saw at a school function, driving her home, and worrying about his kid’s costume. He was wearing a white t-shirt under his button down from earlier, now a crumpled mess at the sides. How long had it been? A few hours since they separated at her front door? And he was already a mess. 

He nodded. 

“Alright, c’mon, big boy,” she pulled him between her legs as she laid on the couch, his head on her chest, “Is that comfortable?” 

“Mmhmm…” 

“Do you wanna talk about why you’re drinking?” 

“I hate the parents at the school.” 

“Yeah, me too. Is that it? Do you really care that much what those fuckers think about you?” 

He paused, “Yeah.” 

“That doesn’t sound true.” 

“It’s...because I ran away from you.” 

“Shane…” she pushed his hair out of his face, “I get it. I ran away from you too.” 

“Yeah, to Harvey.” 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I just…” 

“You hate being alone.” 

“I do.” 

“You should get a daughter. That’ll straighten you right the fuck out,” he said, lips against her tshirt. After a beat, “But you’re in _love_ with _me_?” 

Lola paused. She could deny it. Take it all back. Say that she didn’t mean it, and was just caught up in the moment. But she was done lying. “I am.” 

“Crazy.” 

“It is.” 

“I just didn’t think it was possible.” 

“For what?”

“To someone to love me… to be in love with me.” 

“Well I am,” she said, tightening her limbs around him, “I’m in love with you, Shane. I love you so fucking much,” she almost cried into his hair, but she willed herself not to. 

Shane was silent. He didn’t run, he didn’t move a muscle. He just laid there, head on Lola’s chest, drunk and listening to her heartbeat. Her heart that ached for him in ways he couldn’t understand. “I wish I could say it. I wish I could say it back, really, I do.” 

“Why can’t you?” 

“Because I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve you.” 

“But do you?” she gathered slowly, and deliberately she said, “Do you love me?” 

“Do I love you? Yes, Lola, of course I love you. I love you like the moon loves the sky. I love you more than anything in the world, and that scares me. That scares me so fucking much. And seeing you with Harvey-- the bouquet-- the lessons. It drives me crazy. It makes me angrier than I’ve ever been at myself. It makes me hate a man who is nothing but a saint. Is this what love is? Because I have it, and it’s terrible. It’s downright fucking torture. It’s--” 

“Is it torture now, being with me?” she interrupted him. He could feel her sly smile against his scalp. 

“No. Being with you is one of the only things that stops the pain. And that’s what I’m just so used to that--” 

“That you get scared by the absence of it.” 

“Yeah, but it’s not so bad now, especially with my head in your boobs.” 

“I love you, Shane,” Lola laughed. 

“I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh. I feel like my writing is deteriorating. Idk. I feel kinda meh about this chapter but I just wanna move on to the STUFF I HAVE PLANNED FOR THEM. Maybe I'll go back and edit this. Maybe not. I had Shane's confession written for a long time and now felt like a good time to have it.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lola gets showered with gifts. Shane begins to build a union.

Shane’s hands trembled as he looked at the schedule for the upcoming week. He was working on Winterstar and he was fuming. This was the first year that Joja had decided to be open that day since he got the job a few years ago and it struck him as bullshit. Who in their right mind would be grocery shopping that day? The town saloon made a free buffet for the town every year. Was Morris really trying to compete with “free”? His eyes went down the list. He saw that his coworker, Sam was also scheduled that day. 

“Hey, did you see the new schedule?” Shane said as he walked out of the break room and onto the floor. 

“Ugh, yeah. It sucks, right?” Sam cut open a box full of jelly, punctuating his distaste, “But what can you do, y’know?” 

“We could not come in that day,” he whispered, “Wouldn’t you rather be in the townsquare with your family than _here_?” 

“Yeah, but Morris would just call some other poor saps to take our places.” 

“Do you know why we’re open that day? Pierre’s isn’t even open” 

“I dunno. Because Joja’s evil?” 

“Well, I’m not coming in, and neither should you.” 

“Are you gonna call in sick?” 

Shane shrugged. 

“Do you think I should too?” Sam whispered, “My mom would _kill_ me if I went to work that day and I feel bad with dad away… just them two at home.” 

“I think you answered your own question, then,” Shane started to shelve the jams Sam had opened, “What’s your number by the way? I wanna get a group chat together.” 

\-- 

Lola woke up to a flurry of snowflakes drifting into Shane’s window. She quickly got up to close it, letting her breath fog up the glass. It was the Feast of the Winterstar, and Marnie had invited her over to spend the eve with them. Shane had insisted that she sleep in his bed while he took the couch. Jas especially liked that idea as he promised he would wake her up when the Star Man came in to drop off presents. Unbeknownst to Jas, Shane _was_ her Star Man, and he and Lola had spent all night wrapping the presents that were under his bed. It wasn’t much, but it was more than Shane had been able to give Jas in the past. He wanted this year to be the best thus far. 

She pulled on one of Shane’s crewnecks from his gridball days to protect herself from the morning chill. Stepping out from the doorway, she saw Shane sitting up on the couch, lap covered by a blanket as his hands held a cup of coffee. “Good morning,” she said as she lifted the blanket to cover herself as she sat down. 

“Mornin’” he smiled, wrapping his arm around her. His warmth radiated through his sweater directly to Lola’s chest. She felt relieved as she could let his touch surround her again. No more chasing away memories. No more fear about what they were-- it didn’t matter because they were finally on the same page. “Is this mine?” he asked, feeling the familiar fabric under his arm. 

“Mmhmm” Lola snuggled into his chest, “It was cold.” 

“Well, it suits you,” Shane chuckled, and tightened his arms around her, careful not to spill his coffee. 

“Thanks,” her voice was muffled, as she spoke into his chest. 

“You want some coffee? Marnie’s out at the barn and Jas didn’t wake up yet.” 

“I’m okay,” she said, sleep still bordering her voice. 

“Alright, but don’t fall asleep because Jas is gonna wake up any minute now.” 

Lola moved her head from his chest to his shoulder, “Okay,” she yawned and reached her hand for his cup. 

“Do you want me to get you one?” 

“But I’m so cozy here…” 

Both their heads jerked up to hear little footsteps pad down the stairs. Jas, still in her pajamas, was up, just as Shane had warned. She jumped onto the couch, nearly spilling Shane’s coffee. “Merry Winterstar!!” she squealed, with her arms around both of their necks. Shane held his daughter there, giving her a kiss on the cheek. 

“Merry Winterstar!” Lola smiled as she returned Jas’ hug. Entangled in their arms-- hers and Shane’s filled her with such joy, it almost made her weep. 

“Go get Aunt Marnie!” Shane said, “Then we can open presents.” 

Jas pulled away, eyes wide. “Present _s_?” she asked. 

Shane nodded. 

She ran away to the back door, pulling on her boots over her pajama pants, screaming for her Aunt Marnie. 

“I think I’ll take my own cup of coffee now.” 

\-- 

Jas handed out the gifts as they all sat in the living room. She read each tag carefully, outloud, and placed the gifts in piles next to their recipients. Her pile was the biggest, and she was beaming. Finally it was time to unwrap the gifts. Lola had given her more books to read in both Latin and English, so it wasn’t just her reading to Jas before bed. Shane and Marnie got her some puzzles and dolls, carved out of wood. They had asked their neighbor, Leah, a sculptor, to make them especially for her. They were beautiful. 

Lola started to open her pile. Three gifts-- one from each member of her new family. Marnie had gotten her some spring seeds to get her started for the spring. Jas had drawn and written a book for her, featuring their picnic and drawing of the four of them going on adventures. “I’ll read it to you!” Jas said, beaming at her own work. The last gift, the smallest gift, was from Shane. Lola reached for it, feeling Marnie’s and Shane’s eyes on her. Carefully, she slipped her fingers under the tape, trying not to tear the paper. She hadn’t remembered wrapping this last night. 

Shane blushed, “It’s okay if you don’t like it.” 

“I haven’t even opened it yet,” Lola removed the rest of the paper to reveal a black velvet box. She opened the top to reveal a gold chain with a bouquet pendant. She gasped, “Oh, Shane-- you--” 

“Oh my god, you _hate_ it,” he covered his face with his hands. 

Lola and Marnie looked at each other and laughed, “No, I love it. Where did you even get it?” 

“I asked Leah if she made jewelry… and she did. I wanted to get you a real bouquet, but these won’t ever wilt.” 

Lola wrapped her arms around him, “Can you help me put it on?” 

Shane nodded into her neck, “Of course.” His fingers almost burned her neck as she lifted up her hair as he clasped the chain. 

“It looks lovely,” Marnie smiled at them, tears brimming her eyes, “I’m so happy you’re here.” 

“Ugh, well now I feel badly about my gifts,” Lola said, as Shane moved to open a rectangle. He ripped open the paper to reveal _Organizing for Power_. “It’s just a book,” she said, “But I figured that you’d--” 

“It’s perfect,” he hugged her, reminding himself that he still needed to call in sick. He and Sam planned that the later they’d do it, the less likely it would be for Morris to get anyone to cover for them. 

Marnie opened her square next, revealing a cross-stitch saying _My cows are smarter than you_ in a block-letter serif font, surrounded by vines and roses. She laughed, “Thank you. I needed this.” 

\-- 

The four of them sat together at the Feast, laughing and eating. Shane and Lola watched Jas as she ran around with Vincent-- who, in fact, didn’t know any of the hand motions at the recital. Jodi gave them a wave from across the square, smiling so hard, you’d think her cheeks would crack. Shane scanned the crowd for Sam, worried that he didn’t call in. Relieved, he found him talking to his friends by the river. Silently, he counted all the Joja employees in attendance. They usually didn’t show up for town events, but free food was a necessity, even if much of the town looked down on them for working for the megastore trying to ruin their way of life. It worked. Everyone was there. He thought briefly about walking to the store to see if it had opened, but decided against it, squeezing Lola’s hand under the table. Her cheeks were red with the cold, and she couldn’t stop smiling. Her bouquet necklace peaked out from under her scarf. He wanted to kiss her there, in front of everyone, but stopped himself. She knew how to kiss him. If she wanted it, she’d do it. And he was willing to wait. 

“Let’s all gather ‘round for the secret friend gift exchange,” Mayor Lewis‘ voice boomed through an unnecessary microphone. The townspeople left their tables to walk into a large circle surrounding the tree. Lola felt like she was in some sort of cult. 

One by one, each person gave their secret friend their gift. It was a display of the local crafts of each individual-- ceramic pots, wooden sculptures, dried tea leaves. And each receiver accepted the gift with ecstatic joy and praise. Finally, Lola felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned around to see a woman with bright blue hair. Emily, the barmaid from the saloon. 

“Merry Winterstar!” she said, handing Lola a large box. 

Speechless, she took it from her. Lola’s gift had been another simple embroidery of Evelyn’s name, surrounded by flowers. She was starting to feel self-conscious of her small gifts. 

“Well, open it!” Emily said. 

Lola lifted up the top of the box to see a white dress-- it was simple. Made out of linen that Lola wondered if Emily spun herself. “Oh my _god_ , Emily, I’m not--” 

“I _know_ you’re not getting married. It’s for the spring festival. I noticed you didn’t come last year and I wanted to make sure you felt welcome.” 

“What?” 

“Each year we have a flower dance and all the girls wear these dresses.” 

“Ah.” Lola still didn’t quite understand what Emily was saying. 

“Anyway, I noticed you didn’t come last year and I thought maybe you might come this year… especially now that you have a partner,” her eyebrows gestured to Lola’s necklace. 

“Thank you,” she whispered, “that’s so thoughtful…” 

“And… um… I also know that you haven’t been coming to the saloon… and I missed you. I don’t know what happened and it’s really none of my business, but I just want to let you know that I want to be your friend,” Emily looked directly at Lola and smiled. 

Shaking her head, Lola placed the box on the table next to her and flung her arms around Emily, “You’re way too fucking nice to me.” 

“God, you sound like Shane,” she giggled, “I’m just trying to put positive energy into the world, because then I know it’ll eventually get back to me.” 

\-- 

Harvey sat by himself, sipping a glass of wine. He hadn’t signed up for a secret friend this year, thinking he would be out of town for this festival, but the constant snowstorms had trapped him here, in this small town with his clinic. His eyes scanned the crowd of townspeople, looking for the only person he really wanted to see. And there she was, Lola, sitting with Marnie’s family, doting on Jas with Shane. They looked like the little girl’s _parents_. He heard Lola laugh at Shane’s jokes, and saw the way he looked at her-- how he thought _he_ looked at her. Anger bubbled up in his chest, but was swiftly quelled as the scene played out in front of him. Lola started to have a nose bleed as she angled her head up, looking for a napkin. Shane responded immediately, grabbing his own napkin and holding it up to her nose. His face was full of concern as he supported her neck as she leaned back in her chair. Harvey thought about how all the times he had touched Lola there, and how she visibly flinched. With Shane… she seemed to trust him. Sadness washed over him like a cold shower. 

_Taking care of her because you can’t._

Harvey finished his wine and went inside, leaving the festivities behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So? I guess it's pretty obvious who's endgame now. Don't worry, they'll still be a lot of _tension_ in the coming chapters, as Harvey tries to redeem himself. And what's in store for Lola and Shane??? Marriage? a very stressful birth scene?? parent teacher conferences?????? I have no idea how this is gonna end, or how long it'll be. Thanks for coming along on this ride as there's still a lot to happen.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lola and Shane cuddle. The Pelican Town rumor mill starts.

Winter had left and spring entered with Shane and Lola holding each other in her bed. He had started to stay with her again, leaving early in the morning to be at the ranch when Jas woke up. They ate, cuddled, and slept together-- exchanging touches liberally, but there was no contact beyond that. Although Lola didn’t say anything about it, Shane knew that this was difficult for her. He still allowed himself to watch her-- the way her body swayed while she cooked, how her hair fell when she took it out of her ponytail, emitting a citrusy scent that he couldn’t quite place. One night in early spring, as they looked at each other with only the moonlight illuminating their faces, Lola brought it up. 

“Shane?” she held his hand in hers, right by her face. 

“Yes?” 

“Aren’t you scared?” 

“Of what?” 

“That this isn’t gonna last. That the other shoe will drop. That one of us will break leaving the other and--” her voice sped up and she began to cry. 

“Hey, hey…” he pulled her close, “Yeah, of course I’m scared. I’m always scared,” he kissed her hair, still wet from her shower, “and I don’t know what’s going to happen.” 

“Yeah. It’s _terrifying_ ” 

“But I know how I feel right now. And how I felt yesterday, and how I’ll feel tomorrow and the days after that,” he squeezed her to his chest,

“And how did you feel yesterday?” 

He inhaled as he prepared to say it again, this time sober. This time not out of desperate fear, but out of truth, “That I love you.” 

“I love you too,” she said, her tears leaving dark stains on his shirt. 

“Yeah but I don’t think you trust me.” Shane said, “because I understand if you don’t. I haven’t been the most consistent person. I’ve--” 

“Shane, of _course_ I trust you. I just-- maybe I don’t trust myself not to ruin it. I just feel like I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve to feel how I feel when I’m with you.” 

“Yes, you do, Lola. You deserve the world, the moon, the stars, anything and everything I can give you. And that’s a scary feeling-- feeling loved. I ran away the first time I felt it.” 

“You did.” 

“And you didn’t. And I wanna be like how you were for me-- always there, taking care of Jas, making sure we were okay-- even after everything. Trust me, Lola. _I’m_ not going anywhere unless you want me to.” 

“Really?” 

“I swear.” 

Lola looked up at Shane from his chest, his eyes smiling down at her. His lips parted slightly allowing the moonlight to reflect off of the tips of his teeth. “Can I…” 

He nodded, moving his hands from her back to her cheek, lifting her lips to meet his. Lola pressed her body against his, wrapping her arms around him. Her lips opened, allowing their mouths to melt into each other, her hands making fists in his dark hair. It was a kiss that they both wanted, needed, for months. She was the first to pull away, panting as she tried to catch the breath Shane had taken from her. With their foreheads touching, Shane caressed her cheek with his calloused thumb. 

“I’ve missed kissing you.” 

Lola pulled him on top of her, kissing him again, this time softly along his jaw and neck. She felt him press between her legs, and she returned the motion, grabbing for the hem of his shirt. He pulled away, on his knees in front of her. He saw the faint scars on her thighs, and his heart met his stomach. They were still pronounced, still visible even in the dark. 

“Let’s stop,” he laid down next to her on his side.

“What? Why? Isn’t this what you want?” Lola said, putting her hand on his chest, covered by his shirt, and now blanket. 

“Of course it’s what I want, but is it what you want?” 

Lola paused. 

“We’re starting over. We can take it slow,” Shane said, his thumb chastely on her arm. 

“But what if I don’t want to take it slow?” she said indignantly. 

Shane felt like she was trying to prove something-- to him, to herself-- he didn’t know. What he did know was that he didn’t want to have sex with her. Not now, not like this. Not to prove a point. “ _I_ want to take it slow,” he whispered. 

“Oh…” she softened, “Okay. I’m sorry if I rushed you I just figured that you would want-- that you wanted it for a while and--” 

“I do. I do. God, I fucking do,” he said, “but not now.” 

Lola wanted to ask why not, to ask if she did something wrong, but Shane interrupted her thoughts with a kiss on her lips. She closed her eyes, drinking in the sensation. 

“I love you,” she whispered. 

“I love you too,” he smiled, “And I love that I feel like I can kiss you again”

“Literally, anytime.”

“Even in public?” Shane asked, his eyebrows raised, curious if he Lola knew the social suicide she was comitting. 

“Even in public.” 

“Are you-- do you know-- I mean, I’m not _known_ to be--” 

“I went with you to a _school function_ ,” Lola said. “I know. And I don’t care.” 

\--

Jodi prepared dinner to the noise of Jas and Vincent chasing each other in the living room. Fresh salad and chicken breast. No croutons. She prided herself on giving her sons only the best, organic, locally grown produce from Joja Mart. Her membership gave her the leeway to get the good stuff, as she firmly believed her sons deserved the best. 

“Boys!” she called, and then stopped, realizing Jas was there, “I mean kids! Dinner’s on the table!” 

Jas and Vincent untangled themselves from the carpet and made their way into the kitchen, while Sam, Vincent’s older brother, emerged from his room. Jas followed her young friend to sit next to him, as she waited patiently for Jodi to serve her-- half a chicken breast and salad. Minimal dressing. 

“Thank you, Miss Jodi,” she whispered. 

“Oh, of _course_ , Jas,” the mother smiled at her, eyes full of pity. _When was the last time this girl had a vegetable?_

As soon as everyone was served, they began eating. Jas just stared at her food, as if she were waiting for something. 

“Everything alright?” Jodi asked. 

“Yeah, Jas, why aren’t you eating?” Vincent said, his cheeks full of green leaves. 

“Aren’t… we… aren’t we gonna thank the chickens?” 

Jodi and her sons looked at her in silence. Sam stifled a chuckle that turned into a coughing fit. His mother quickly handed him a fresh glass of water full of ice. “Honey… we don’t do that here. But you’re welcome to thank the chickens if you want to.” 

“Oh… okay.” the little girl shrunk into herself, embarrassed for bringing it up. She picked up her fork to start to eat. 

“It’s okay, Jas,” Vincent piped up, “the chickens like being eaten. That’s why they’re alive.” 

She said nothing and stabbed at her salad. 

Feeling bad for her guest, Jodi tried to cheer her up, “Wasn’t it so nice of Miss Lola to come to your recital?” 

Jas immediately responded, “Oh yes, I love when Lola comes over. She reads me lots and lots of books in Latin.” 

“In _Latin_?” Jodi said incredulously. “Isn’t that too advanced for a girl your age?” 

“Nuhuh. She says I’m mighty smart and she got me more books for Winterstar. I’m gonna read the most books in the class by the end of the year.” 

“Latin books don’t count,” Vincent sang. 

“Do TOO.” 

“So what else does Miss Lola do for you?” 

Jas thought, placing another bite of salad into her mouth. She chewed as she looked up at the ceiling. Once swallowed she said, “Well she spends lots of time with Uncle Shane, which makes him happy, which makes me happy.” 

“How much time does your d-- Uncle Shane spend with her?” 

“Oh, almost every night. And one time, Dr. Harvey called our house to make sure Uncle Shane came to help her because she doesn’t like Dr. Harvey as much as she likes Uncle Shane.” 

Jodi’s eyes widened, “Dr. Harvey?” 

“Yeah, but that’s over now,” she started eating her chicken. 

“What was Miss Lola doing with Dr. Harvey?” Jodi asked this slowly, almost forgetting she was speaking to a child. The new farmer? And the doctor? And now with the town drunk? Was this woman _insane_? 

“I dunno. Aunt Marnie said she had a bouquet from him, but that it didn’t work out or something.” 

Jodi’s jaw dropped out of shock, “And now Miss Lola is spending time with your _Uncle?_ ” 

“Lots and lots,” she nodded. 

“Mommmmmmm,” Vincent groaned, “Can we please have some candy for dessert?” 

“No,” Jodi snapped, “No candy on weeknights. I already told you.” 

“But Jas gets candy whenever.” 

Jodi turned to look at the little girl happily eating in front of her, “Is that true, Jas? That you get candy whenever?” 

She shook her head, “Not whenever, just for dessert sometimes. But Uncle Shane always gives it to me when he gets home from work.” 

“Ah. I see,” Jodi looked over at her son, practically begging, “Well, that’s understandable that he does that because he feels bad for working so much.” 

“ _My_ dad works so much, he’s not even here and I _never_ get candy,” Vincent proclaimed.

His mom ignored him, “Well, you should tell your Uncle Shane to stop giving you so much candy because it’ll rot your teeth out of your pretty little face,” Jodi smiled her plaster smile. 

\-- 

Harvey was reading under the table at the clinic. He was slowly making his way through _You Can Help_ , the book his therapist had recommended. Winterstar had proven to be a hopeless end for him, but he still wanted to help. He couldn’t understand what Shane had that he didn’t. He had more degrees, was older (and therefore wiser?), and nothing but gentle and kind to Lola, and yet she refused to let him in. Shane’s tenderness with her was unparalleled. He could even see that from across the square yesterday. How many books did he have to read to understand that? 

The doctor thought back to his childhood, how his parents always pushed him to be the best. Top of his class in every school and graduate school he attended. Always reading and studying, only allowing himself solace in his model planes. But now, he allowed himself no such solace. And he was still failing. Harvey looked up from the book in his lap as he heard the door open. Caroline, the shopkeeper’s wife, had walked in carrying a pastry box. She smiled sadly. 

“Oh, Harvey,” she said, placing the box on the front desk, “I just heard, and I’m so sorry about your recent heartbreak.” 

“Excuse me?” He closed the book and placed it on the chair next to him. 

“Lola?” she said, “It’s so sad. We really thought you two would make a lovely couple. Especially since she hasn’t really… fit in recently. It’s just so odd that she barely comes out of that farm. Nothing like her grandfather.” 

“How did you--” 

“Oh, you know… word gets around. I just hope you take care of yourself, okay?” Caroline offered another smile. 

Harvey nodded. 

“I just whipped up some green tea cookies to thank you for all you’ve done here for us. We’re so lucky to have a clinic here.” 

“Indeed.” 

“I’m sure she’ll come around. I mean, we can’t all have adorable charming daughters, can we?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry not sorry for writing Jodi like a total bitch. I really felt attacked in game every time she laughed at me... like??? LADY WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING. WHAT'S SO FUNNY 
> 
> anyway, I'm trying not to totally cancel Harvey... it just kinda... happened. Lots of nice guy (TM) vibes, but I think those people can grow as well. More unionization plotline to come.


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lola, Shane, and Jas go to the flower dance.
> 
> Lollyflop's Touching has a new chapter which was my reward for myself for finishing this.

Lola looked at herself in Marnie’s mirror, wearing the white dress given to her by Emily. She felt incredibly silly. She wanted to stay at home and not go to this stupid dance-- which the more she learned about it, seemed to be an archaic mating ritual in the town. There was a choreographed dance that apparently all the kids in the town learned in school. Jas had taught her in the evenings, while Shane was at work, but it was difficult when your dance partner was half your height. 

Oh, honey, you look _lovely_ ” marnie said, walking through the door. 

“I feel like a child” 

Marnie’s laugh filled the room as she opened her dresser drawer, “Sounds about right.” She pulled out a wide pink ribbon, “Perfect. May I?” 

Lola nodded, not quite knowing what Marnie was asking for, but trusted her completely. Her thick motherly hands wrapped the ribbon around Lola’s waist and tied it in a bow. 

“Now you’ll stand out from the others.” 

“I’m not sure if that’s what I want to do…” Lola’s voice was dark, and she had to resist untying the perfect bow Marnie had tied. She dreaded this event. She skipped it last year, and now that she and Shane were official, the “proper” thing to do was make that known at this dance. An official announcement to the townspeople that Shane and Lola were thinking about fucking? Horrendous. Terrible. The two were incredibly private people. Fuck proper. Fuck tradition. She wanted to stay home and flail around in her crops. Her mind turned as soon as she heard Jas’ voice. 

“Loooollllaaaa!!” she squealed, “You’re wearing Marnie’s ribbon!” Jas flung her arms around Lola’s hips and squeezed. “She said that I could wear it when I got older, but you’re wearing it now!” 

“Wha… what?” 

“The ribbons are passed down in the families here… my mother wore this and then she gave it to me and now that you’re family--” 

“Oh, oh my _god_ ” Lola immediately regretted her previous statement. She felt like she wanted to crawl into a hole. “Thank you,” her eyes met Marnie’s, “That’s… that’s so lovely.” 

“Ah, and one more thing!” Marnie lifted up her index finger, “Flowers. It wouldn’t be a flower dance without flowers.” She reached for the bouquet by her bed. 

_Marnie has a bouquet?_ Lola thought, and immediately felt guilty for being surprised. She was older, but not ugly. Lola noticed how her auburn hair shined in the light, and how her pale skin was radiant in the mirror, even as she wove the flowers into Lola’s hair, braiding them into her hair down her back. 

“Wow you look like the flower queen already,” Jas said. 

“Don’t say that too loudly or Miss Haley will bite your head off,” Marnie smiled.

Before Lola could ask about Haley, they all heard a whistle from the doorway. 

“Uncle Shane, you shaved!” Jas ran and hugged him, giving him kisses on both his cheeks. 

“Just for today,” he said, returning her affection, knees bent to meet her level. Standing up just as Marnie finished Lola’s hair, he appeared behind her in the mirror. 

“Wowza,” he exhaled. 

“Gross.” 

Marnie ushered Jas outside, “Five minutes before we leave, and I just made the bed.” She shut the door behind them. 

Lola turned around to look at Shane. He was wearing a light blue three-piece suit. His clean-shaven cheeks were blushing. The buttons on his vest were taught against his soft tummy, which had admittedly gotten smaller but was still present. Lola wrapped her arms around him, feeling his body against hers-- a combination of soft and hard as the constant work on the ranch kept him moving. She inhaled near his neck to find a scent of hay and something musky-- cologne perhaps? “You clean up nice,” she whispered into the collar of his blazer. 

“I could say the same for you… you look amazing,” he pulled away so that he could look at her again. “I can’t believe how lucky I am.” 

“Oh _stop_. It’s just a dress,” she turned away embarrassed. 

“A dress on _you_ ,” his hands roamed down from her waist to her hips, giving her ass a soft squeeze. 

“OKAY TIME’S UP WE’RE ALREADY LATE,” Marnie’s voice rang from the kitchen, “AND I WANT A PICTURE.” 

Lola slipped on her sandals and walked outside, hand in hand with Shane. Jas was climbing on the fence to get a better look at the cows. 

“Alright, right in front of the door, you two.” Marnie gestured for them to stand closer together. Shane and Lola stood side by side and smiled awkwardly. “No, oh my god, not like _that_. Pretend I’m not here.” 

“Pretty hard to do that when you’re shouting instructions at us,” Shane said. 

“Let’s get one with Jas,” Lola said. The little girl piped up and ran over. She stood between them, and smiled. Shane wrapped one hand around Lola’s waist and placed another on Jas’ shoulder. 

“Oh, isn’t that nice!” Marnie smiled as she clicked away. 

Shane’s hand wandered again to grope Lola through the linen of her dress. She yelped and laughed, slapping Shane in the chest. 

“That’s it! Aw, you’re too sweet.” 

Lola blushed as Shane shrugged. Jas ran ahead as they walked into the forest for the dance. 

\-- 

Marnie had been right. They were late-- fashionably so. The party was in full swing but the actual dance had not taken place yet. Everyone was mingling with each other in clusters around the open field. Lola wanted to take off her sandals to feel the grass between her toes, as Jas was doing, but stopped herself. Maybe by the end of the day when it was more _socially acceptable_. Marnie and Jas quickly were able to find their spots amongst the townspeople. Jas with Vincent and Marnie greeting Lewis. Lola noticed how her body stiffened when she talked to him, as if she were controlling herself-- trying to put on a performance of some kind, but not doing a good job of “acting natural.” 

“What’s with Marnie?” Lola whispered to Shane as they found two unoccupied seats. 

“Ugh. Fucking Lewis,” he groaned, “They’ve been off again on again ever since his wife died. And he’s too much of a fucking coward to say go public.” 

“Sounds familiar,” she said resting her head in her hand. Her crossed leg gently rubbed against Shane’s shin. 

“I would say that about us,” Shane took a gulp of seltzer water, “We just hate people.” 

“Lola!!” a voice caused both of them to jump. It was Emily, practically skipping across the field, “You’re wearing the dress I made you!” 

Lola got up from her seat and turned around to greet her friend (?). “Of course. Thank you so much,” she managed a smile. She wanted to be drunk. 

“It fits perfectly, doesn’t it, Shane?” Emily peaked over Lola’s shoulder. 

A crooked smile flashed across his face, “It sure does.” 

“And you don’t look too bad yourself, mister!” 

Shane grunted. 

“Just a head’s up,” she whispered to both of them, now standing between the two in their own little huddle, “Everyone knows.” 

“Yeah, I mean. We’re here together,” Lola said. 

“No, I mean they know about _Harvey_.” 

“What? How do _you_ know about Harvey?” 

Shane stayed silent, seething. 

“I mean I got that vibe from him because he always talks about you, Lola. But there’s this story going around that Harvey was trying to take care of you and you asked for _Shane_.” 

“What the--” 

“I know, I don’t know if it’s true. And if it is, I don’t blame you. Harvey isn’t really known for his bedside manner…” 

“Jesus fucking Christ.” 

“Anyway, I just thought you should know. It might be a good idea for you, Lola, to like… talk to people.” 

“I’m talking to you right now.” 

“I know, but” Emily bit her lip, “Let me introduce you to everyone. You’ve been here a year already and no one feels like they know you.” 

“That’s because they don’t!” Lola began to yell, “And hopefully they never--” 

Shane stood up and put his arm around her waist, his hand on her stomach, “Hey, I know this sucks, but you gotta play along. For Jas, if anyone. I’m gonna go around and talk to people too.” 

“You’re gonna talk to people.” Lola deadpanned, “I thought we were gonna sit here in the corner until Jas got sleepy.” 

“Yeah, I want to, but it really doesn’t look good.” 

Lola pouted. “Fine.” 

“I’ll come find you later.” 

“Don’t worry. I’ll take good care of her,” Emily took Lola by the hand and they were off. 

The first person Emily brought Lola to was her sister, Haley. She wore her long blonde hair loose and it cascaded down her shoulders. They both wore blue ribbons around their waists. Emily’s matched her hair, while Haley’s matched her eyes. 

“You must be Lola.” 

“Nice to meet you,” she held out her hand. 

Haley looked at Lola’s fingertips with disdain. “You’re a farmer, right?” 

“I’m trying to be. I was a--” 

“Harvey’s tutor I know.” 

Emily smiled at her sister, silently begging her to shut up. 

“Actually I was a professor.” 

“Anyway. Shane seems to suit you more. Hope you’re happy.” She was about to turn away to the man standing next to her-- tall and muscular, “Oh and, you’re only supposed to wear flowers in your hair if you’re the flower queen.” 

\-- 

“Wow! That went really well!” Emily beamed. 

“I can’t believe she’s your sister.” 

“Neither can I.” 

\-- 

Shane took a deep breath before approaching Harvey, who was sitting alone in his regular clothes, signalling to everyone that he had failed to procure a partner. 

“Hey, how are you doing?” he said, sitting in the chair next to him. Holy shit this was hard. The man looked pathetic, staring into his plastic cup like it was the last drop of water in a dessert. 

“Been better.” 

“I’m sorry that--” he stopped himself, trying to find the right words. _I’m sorry that everyone knows Lola likes me more? “I have no idea how--”_

_“I do.”_

_“Really?”_

_“Your daughter likes to talk a lot-- especially to that one over there--” Harvey gestured to Jodi, also sitting alone, but her eyes on her younger son, Vincent as he buzzed around the field._

_“Oh, fuck. Shit, man, I’m so sorry.”_

_“She’s perceptive, Jas, I mean.”_

_“She is.”_

_“And Lola’s teaching her Latin?”_

_Shane shrugged, “Trying, I guess. She’s reading to her almost every night.”_

_“Lucky kid.”_

_He didn’t know how to respond, so he tried apologizing again. “I just wanted to say sorry for…”_

_“Don’t apologize for winning. It makes you seem weak.”_

_“I didn’t _win_. It just happened. I got lucky.” _

_“Well, as long as you know that,” his words were tight and clipped._

_“I do. I’m an incredibly lucky guy with Lola and Jas and Marnie--”_

_“Don’t rub it in.”_

_“I’m sure someone will come around,” he offered a smile, and left._

_On his way back to his original corner seat, he was intercepted by Jodi. She was smiling her usual fake smile, which didn’t quite reach her eyes._

_“It’s so good to see you trying to ingratiate yourself in the community again, Shane.”_

_“Yup.”_

_“You know, you and Lola and Jas should join us for family dinner sometime. Especially with our kids getting so close.”_

_“Sounds nice. I’ll let you know,” he started to scan the crowd for Lola in the sea of white dress. He found her talking to the shopkeeper’s daughter, nodding too enthusiastically. _This was torture.__

___“But, you know, you should come on a day when Sam isn’t working… you know, like he is today.”_ _ _

___“Huh?”_ _ _

___“I just think it’s so interesting that _you_ got the day off, and Sam was slated to work today. Almost like he’s getting punished for some stunt from Wintersday,” she crossed her arms across her chest and her head moved from side to side to show _attitude_. _ _ _

___“Lady, if you’re implying that I got Sam in trouble, you’re wrong. Morris hates everyone equally. Including your precious Sam, believe it or not. AND if Sam really didn’t want to go to work today, he could’ve called in like we did together on Wintersday. My idea. Morris fucking knows this, and now you do too.”_ _ _

___Jodi smiled, “Thank you so much for clearing that up for me.”_ _ _

___Before Shane could respond, she left. The flower dance was about to begin._ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meant to have more union stuff, but I'm getting too caught up in Shane and Lola touching each other. There will be more sex soon. If you're a minor please stop reading NOW.


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a scuffle at the flower dance. 
> 
> PORN IN THE SECOND HALF 18+ ONLY PLEASE SO I CAN STILL GO TO HEAVEN

Harvey watched as the young couples in Pelican Town began to line up. Men on one side, women on the other. Lola stood in the center, back straight with her hands clasped behind her back. The dress clung to her chess, highlighting her decolletage with a U- shape. Wisps of hair had escaped from the long braid and now framed her face, flush with movement or embarrassment. He couldn’t tell. He watched as she danced with her partner, hand in hand, responding to his movements. Harvey imagined himself in Shane’s place, being able to place his hands on Lola’s waist encircled by a wide pink ribbon. Foreheads together as they spun walked in a circle. He then noticed that Lola wasn’t wearing any shoes, and smiled to himself as she had no doubt kicked off her sandals, wanting to feel the grass on her feet. She acted like a curmudgeon, but Harvey knew that deep down she had a young soul. A soul that he wanted to hold and sit next to. His heart ached. 

The dance had finished. Lola and Shane were about a beat behind everyone else and finished a second later. He pulled her into a kiss, in front of everyone. It was as if the world melted away and it was just Lola dancing in the sunlight, barefoot like a nymph. He pressed his body against her, one hand on his waist and the other hand on her neck. She was his, and he was hers. Once released from the kiss, they made their way back to their seats. The townspeople looked at them with polite smiles. No applause, like in the movies. But just adults smiling the smile they gave to children when they did something they would regret later. A knowing smile. 

Shane turned around to see Harvey, standing behind him. His face was red. His tie was undone, and eyes mad. Surprising everyone around them, Harvey punched Shane square in the jaw, causing him to step back letting go of Lola’s hand. Shane, scrappy himself, immediately responded, punching Harvey in the stomach. It was on. Lola stood back, hands over her face, not knowing what to do as the two men went at each other in the middle of the open field. A crowd gathered around, unclear who they wanted to win, but with morbid curiosity. It was clear no one would stop this. Punches were given and returned in swift succession. Shane appeared to be holding back in the beginning, but now seemed he could do some real damage to the delicate doctor. 

Reminded of her college days, Lola stepped behind Harvey and grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, yanking him back. The two men stopped, frozen under her gaze as she looked at them both. She turned to Harvey first, “What has gotten _into_ you? Did you really think you could beat him? You could’ve gotten _killed_.” 

“C’mon, Lola. I wasn’t gonna hurt him,” Shane smiled his crooked smile. This obviously wasn’t his first fight, and he delighted in it, especially now that he was sober, he could feel every punch and grab Harvey threw. And it was easy. 

“And _YOU_ , Shane, I expected _better_ from you.” She spoke like a teacher. 

He shrugged, still with a boyish grin on his face. 

“You wipe that smirk off right this second!” 

Shane held in a chuckle. She looked so flustered and cute. And he couldn’t help himself, “Well, he started it.” 

Lola spun around to look at Harvey, split lip and glasses somewhere on the ground. She bent down and picked it up, handing it to him. “You really shouldn’t have done that,” she whispered, “He could really hurt you.” 

Harvey looked at his feet, ashamed, “I’m sorry, Lola.” 

“Yeah you should be. Both of you,” she turned to Shane with such sharpness his smile disappeared. “I’m going home.” 

Shane got up and followed her, but turned around to face Harvey, “Sorry,” he murmured, “But you did start it.” He turned again to find Lola holding onto Jas’ hand, Marnie’s arm around her shoulders, “And.. uh… you should ice your nose. It’s gonna look real bad tomorrow.” He got up to follow his family, now a bit away from the field, out of earshot at least. 

“Shane,” Marnie began. 

“Please don’t start, I know.” 

“You make me so proud.” 

“Oh,” he blushed and rubbed the back of his neck. 

“Yeah! It was awesome! You really showed him!” 

Lola was silent. She didn’t know how to feel. Happy? Angry? Embarrassed? So she turned to Marnie, “Are you really proud of him? For fighting?” 

“He defended himself. And he fought for _you_ ,” Marnie smiled. 

“I didn’t ask him to fight for me.” 

“I know, dear, but this town is strange. It may not feel this way now, but everyone now knows you’re the luckiest lady in Stardew Valley.” 

Lola pondered what Marnie had said. Perhaps it was true. Having two men fight over her in public would read as trashy, messy, even in the city. But two men fighting over you at an archaic mating ritual? The fuck? 

Shane stood next to Lola as Jas ran ahead, “You’re right, though. I should’ve gone easier on him.” 

“You should’ve gone _nothing_ on him.” 

“And just let him punch me like that? In front of you? In front of everyone?” 

“Oh my god, I feel like I’m in some sort of time warp.” 

“It’s just how things are here. And besides,” he untied his tie and swung his arm around her shoulders, “I heard your grandfather was the biggest fighter of them all.” 

\-- 

Shane walked Lola back to her cabin. She let him walk with his arm around her waist, even though she was still mad at him for the violence. It seemed so foolish to her that they would fight, but she wanted to make sure he was alright. 

“I have some frozen berries in the freezer,” she said, opening the door for them both. 

“A woman after my own heart.” Shane was still smiling from the fight. There was a boyish side of him that felt proud of himself. 

“Don’t push it,” she warned, “Now sit down while I get you some berries.” 

He abided, unbuttoning his vest as he sat down. Lola came back from the kitchen and stood over him as she handed Shane the plastic bag full of berries. She sat down and crossed her arms over her chest. 

“No need to pout, baby,” Shane said, leaning back into the couch holding the berries to his jaw, “this isn’t my first fight, and it probably won’t be my last if Harvey stays around.” 

Lola blushed at him calling her “baby.” She hated the name in theory, but coming from Shane’s mouth made her melt. “You _have_ to admit, this is stupid, right? I mean, fist fighting?” 

Shane shrugged, “I mean, yeah, it’s stupid. But so is the flower dance. And we still go. Fighting is just another tradition here, I guess.” He moved the berries under his eye, and let out a hiss of pain. 

Lola turned to him reacting to his pain, and held the berries there herself. Faces now close together, Shane smiled at her-- not a smirk, not a crooked grin, but a smile of gratitude. “Oh, Shane…” 

“I do appreciate you caring about me getting hurt, though,” he let his arms fall around her, fingers caressing the diaphanous linen. 

“Of _course_ I care about you getting hurt. Who’s gonna chop my firewood?” 

He laughed, and rubbed her back, “Well. You don’t need to worry because I’m okay. I’ve been in a lot worse fights.” 

“Have you?” she whispered. 

“Oh yeah, I was a drunk, remember?” 

Lola nodded. 

“And no one really bled today-- so--” 

“SO?” 

“So, it’s all good.” 

“Are you sure? I mean, aren’t you sore?” 

“Not anything I couldn’t bounce back from with a shower,” he grinned. 

“Fine, go take a shower.” 

“I need help,” he pouted, “too sore.” 

Lola glowered at him, and then broke into laughter, “Okay, fine, I’ll help you. But only because you look so damn cute when you’re this messy.” 

“And you have to admit that I looked pretty cute fighting, don’t you?” 

She walked to the bathroom without responding. Shane heard the shower turn on. He followed her into the shower to see her stepping out of her dress which had pooled at her ankles on the floor. She removed her bra and panties, while looking at him. 

“Well, what are you doing?” 

“Oh, uh…” Shane blushed. The cocky boyish grins were gone. Lola was naked in front of him and she stepped into the shower. It had been a bit since he had seen her so exposed-- her tummy was softer and thighs thicker. Her legs were still muscular and he wanted to reach out into the waterfall and touch her. 

“Do you need help getting undressed, or can you do that part yourself?” she teased, squirting shampoo into her hand. 

“I’m coming.” In a daze he took off his pants and shirt, almost forgetting his boxers and stepped into the shower with her. 

“Are you alright?” she asked, sensing his hesitation. 

“Yeah I just… you’re naked.” 

“So are you,” she smiled, “and I thought you wanted help in the shower,” Lola began lathering up soap in her hands. “Do you still want help?” 

Shane nodded, feeling some of his confidence come back. Her hands started at his chest, using his hair to create a thick lather. 

“Can I help _you_?” he reached for the soap.

“Uhuh!” Lola giggled. 

Shane rubbed the bar of soap in his hands and began to trace his hands down her shoulders and her arms. He rubbed the soap on her stomach and then found his way to cupping her breasts. Her hands on him, his hands on her. She wrapped her arms around him and kissed him. 

“You were right. You did look cute while fighting. Sexy even. Primal,” her hands traced down his chest to his waist, just above his hardening cock. 

He smiled. He was right, and nothing was sexier than victory, even a small one. 

“Could you shampoo my hair?” she asked, innocently-- too innocently. 

Confused, Shane nodded, and then gasped as Lola got onto her knees in front of him. 

“The shampoo is over there,” she pointed with a cocked head. 

“Oh, okay.” He squeezed some into the palm of his hand and started massaging it into his scalp. He felt Lola’s breath on the head of his penis, warm from her slightly ajar mouth. Moving her head closer, Lola began to kiss it, first with closed, chaste, lips-- then quick flicks of her tongue encircling him. “Jesus,” he breathed.” Shane tried to concentrate on the sensation of the water falling on his back, the water falling in his eyes as he stood under the shower head, but Lola’s lips wrapped themselves around his shaft and she began sucking. His hands were still in her hair as they balled into fists, barely able to grip her soapy strands. “Lola..” 

“Mm?” The vibrations from her throat caused him to catch himself against the shower wall, the cold tile a slight reprieve from the hot shower. 

“Ahh--” he pushed up against her, holding her head there, “Don’t make me--- ugh stop, please please I want to---” 

Lola moved her head back and looked up at Shane through the water droplets dripping down at her. She smiled at her hard work, manifested in Shane’s bulging cock in front of her. “You want to what, daddy?” her voice was soft and warm, lubricated by precum. She surprised herself with the pet name, but his cock twitched at the final syllable, signalling his approval. 

“Stand up.” 

She listened and stood up, moisture pooling between her thighs. Her nipples were hard in spite of the steam in the shower. Shane stepped into her, his hand on her left thigh, thumb caressing her soft skin. 

“May I?” 

“Yes… please...” she felt Shane’s fingers outline her vulva, swollen and wet from desire. 

“Yes, please, what?” 

“Yes, please… daddy,” Lola practically whined, pushing her crotch against his fingers which barely grazed her clit. 

“How about we dry off, baby. I want you on the bed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright now you know how fucking depraved I am, stay tuned for more sexy sex in the next sexy chapter.


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More sex. 18+ only jfc. 
> 
> Also some more workplace drama and unionization struggles

They stumbled out of the shower, a tangle of limbs as they tried to dry each other off. Failing and flailing, Shane pulled Lola on top of him as soon as they reached the bed. Lola felt his erection against her stomach as she kept kissing him, tongue in mouth, fist in his hair. She began to drip onto his thigh. Sensing her wetness, Shane flipped Lola onto the bed, cupping her pussy with the palm of his hand. 

She gasped at the full, sudden contact with her aching vulva. 

“Tell me what you want,” he whispered, breath tickling her ear. 

“Your fingers… inside me…” Lola whimpered, hips bucking into his palm, trying to gain some friction as a puddle formed in the cup of his hand, liquid spilling onto the bed sheets. “P--please…” 

Shane slid two fingers inside of her, bending and unbending at the knuckles. “Ah, that’s a good girl,” he said as Lola moved against his palm, allowing his fingers to fill her up. She shook and trembled at every movement he made inside of her, making her feel like a puppet-- writhing and leaking under the control of Shane’s fingers. She surrendered herself to him, panting and grabbing at his shoulder, running her nails down his arms and back. 

“Now, don’t get too carried away, okay? Otherwise you’ll make a big mess.” 

His chiding only turned her on more. The walls of her vagina began to pulse and squeeze around his fingers, and as she was about to come, he pulled his hand out. Fingers sticky with clear webbing from her dripping cunt, he put them in his mouth, tasting her bitter juice. 

“Fuck! You _fucking_ tease!” 

Shane grinned, “Be patient, baby.” 

Lola wanted to protest, to demand her orgasm as a child demands dessert, but his knowing eyes silenced her. She was going to be sorry. He sat up next to her, with his hand stroking her head. Her thighs trembled as they pressed together-- trying to get some relief, but the pressure only made her hungrier. 

“Come sit on my lap,” he gestured with his head to his cock pointing straight up in the air. 

She looked up at him from her position, unsure of herself. “Really?”

He paused, remembering how scared she was to even kiss him. In truth, being on top was foreign to her, even with her history. She never was allowed that kind of control here. Her professor had always dictated what and how they would have sex, and it never included her having any semblance of pleasure or control of movement. “I mean, if you want. I think you’d like it,” his hand caressed the back of her neck, damp from sweat. 

Lola nodded, and got up to her knees. Her cum dripped down her thighs as she straddled him, holding his hardened cock in one hand and steadying herself with the other. Shane threw his head back just from the heat he felt radiating from her. “Lola----” She gingerly rubbed the head of his penis against her wet folds, eager for volume, for fullness, and finally collapsed on top of him, feeling his length slip inside of her. 

She let out a soft moan-- the sensation of his cock pressing up inside of her and her clit on his stomach was almost too much. Shane wrapped his arms around her back, and pushed his pelvis up against her. “Holy shit, you feel so fucking good.” Lola’s hips began to grind against Shane, rocking back and forth. Her arms wrapped around his head, which now rested on her breasts, lips grazing her nipples. His mouth opened, allowing his tongue to press against the erect skin, sensitive to the air around it. 

“F--fuck…” 

He started to suck, tightening his lips around her nipple as her cunt tightened around his cock. She pulsed softly, moving up and down, fingernails digging into his shoulders. Tears leaked out of her eyes. 

“S-shane,” she stammered, “You’re gonna make me--” 

“Come for me,” he murmured, lips barely leaving her nipple. 

Lola rode him to climax, exploding on top of him, her cunt dripping as she cried his name over and over again. He pushed his entire length into her, resisting the constant squeezing. When she was coming down, her breathing lengthening, she steadied herself on her headboard, his cock only half-way inside of her. Shane began to fuck her from below, thrusting himself into her, his hands wrapped around her plump hips. 

“Shit. Shit. I love you I love you I love you…” he said, feeling her delicious warmth around him, wanting to drown in her again and again. “I’m gonna come, okay?” 

Lola nodded, feeling her own climax approaching. 

Shane’s impeccable timing brought them to the peak at the same time, Lola collapsing back onto his cock and being rocked as the aftershock of their shared orgasm rippled through them. He slipped out, becoming flaccid, but the movement made Lola moan again, her come trickling down his sides. “Fuck, I’ve made such a mess.” 

“We’ll clean up later,” he smiled proudly at his wet tummy, a puddle over his navel, “Just let me hold you.” 

Lola shivered, and he wrapped her in his arms and her blankets. “I don’t think I’ve ever… done that.” 

“Squirted?” 

“Is that what it’s called?” 

“I dunno, but I heard it’s rare. It’s big in porn, but I always thought that was fake,” he grinned as he looked down at her, her head on his chest. 

“Well, I definitely wasn’t faking it.” 

He chuckled, “I know, baby.” 

“Was it gross?” 

“Huh?” 

“I mean, I like... can’t really control it, but I can stop it if it’s gross to you. I don’t think it’s pee.” 

“Oh my god, it’s not gross-- it’s the hottest thing ever.” 

“Really?” 

“Really.” he squeezed his arm around her shoulders, “And were you about to volunteer not letting yourself have an orgasm because I thought it was gross?” 

She shrugged, “I mean, I guess. It’s not the most outlandish thing I’ve done.” 

“I want you to enjoy every second of fucking me,” he said with a surprising amount of seriousness, “And I want you to stop the second you don’t like something.” 

“What about you? Don’t you enjoy it?” 

“I enjoy watching you-- feeling you come. Hearing my name on your lips from just touching you-- god, that’s really all I fucking need.” 

“I think you also… need a towel.” 

\-- 

Shane delighted in making Lola come over and over and over again. He’d come over every night just to eat her out, having her release her squirt all over his face. Sometimes he’d come before he had sex with her-- just from the sensation of her plush thighs tightening against his neck as she screamed his name, ending every one of their sessions with Lola in a puddle, hands grabbing for him to hold her as she shook. For the first time, he allowed his hunger for Lola to go unchecked, his hand always somewhere on her-- whether at dinner with Marnie and Jas, or walking her home from the general store. To an outsider, it seemed as if Lola was his, but he belonged to _her_. 

Work became bearable, as memories of the night before and fantasies of the coming night would carry Shane through his shift. Often distracted, he would be brought back to reality with notifications from the Joja worker group chat. Complaints began rolling in about the short hours-- not enough to sustain any one family, and low pay. In spite of what he said to Jodi at the flower dance, Morris had his favorites and paid them more. They hadn’t been at the store as long as Shane and Sam had been, but it was difficult to tell if they had worked at another location. No one knew how to bring it up to Morris without the favorites having a giant pay cut, threatening the shoddy union held together by a group chat. Shane decided to privately text Sam instead. 

Shane: What if instead of asking Morris to pay them less, we asked Morris to pay us more?   
Sam: Lol. Like he’d ever do that.   
Shane: What if we all threatened to walk out?   
Sam: Like a strike?  
Shane: Eh, kind of.   
Sam: Idk. I feel like they’d just bring in more Joja slaves from another town.   
Shane: Buses are expensive.   
Sam: True. 

Shane walked out of the break room, placing his hat over his hair, still messy from this morning. _Now’s not the time, you dirty old man_ Lola’s voice teased him in his head, making him blush. He forced himself back into the present, seeing a pregnant woman sitting at the cash register. Normally, they weren’t allowed to sit. He wondered how long it would be before Morris told the poor lady to get off her ass. Normally, he’d keep his head down and keep working. This time, he decided to say something. 

“Hey,” he nodded, walking up to her. 

“Oh hi!” she smiled, “How are you today?” She was using her customer voice on him. Jesus Fucking Christ. Did she know about the group chat? 

He smirked, “Wow, you must be new here.” 

The woman’s smile disappeared, “Yeah, I guess I am.” 

“Oh, no worries. Just wanted to say hi,” he reached out his hand, “I’m Shane.” 

“Mary,” she said, shaking it. 

“Can I ask you a weird question?” 

“Sure?” she looked suspicious, bracing herself for the worst. 

“What’s your starting salary? I mean, what Morris said you’d get paid when he hired you?” 

“Oh,” she sighed in relief, hand over her stomach, “He’s starting me at 3g an hour. Not really that good, but,” she shrugged, “beggars can’t be choosers.” 

His face darkened. He started at 5g an hour, and after two years was at 7g. He knew the favorites got 10-15g depending on how much they kissed Morris’ ass. “That’s not nearly enough,” he whispered. 

“Oh yeah, you’re telling _me_. And the ad said competitive pay,” Mary rolled her eyes. 

“You should ask him for 5g an hour,” his voice got lower. 

“What?” 

“That’s what he started me at. I haven’t worked at any other location before this one. You should be getting that, too.” 

“Oh, no…. I couldn’t do that. Jobs are hard to come by as it is… and the hours are--” 

“Terrible. They’re terrible. You should at least ask. The worst he could say is no, right?” 

“Good morning!” they heard Morris’ voice as he entered the store, “Mary, I’m going to have to ask you to put away that stool. You don’t nearly look busy enough.” 

“Yes, sir,” she got up, and folded the stool she was sitting on, answering Shane’s original question when he first saw her sitting down. 

Shane opened his mouth to speak, but Mary looked at him urgently, asking him not to speak on her behalf. 

“And Shane,” Morris began, “While I love seeing you on the floor, I think you’re more suited to the back room for today, don’t you think?” his smile begged for a fist. 

He grunted and walked to the back room to take inventory. Was Morris trying to separate him from the other employees? Did he know about the group chat? He seethed, imagining a possible mole. He and Sam didn’t ask Morris’ favorites to join the group chat, but perhaps word got out and Morris knew. He hoped he was overthinking it, and elected to move as slowly as possible. He was, after all, getting paid by the hour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long (two days, instead of one) to get this up (hehe). I'm on break for a week, so I hope to have daily updates again.
> 
> Also? What do we think about Daddy Shane? I felt compelled and thought it was fitting, but I shied away from it here. (obviously) 
> 
> tumblr is croissantinstrument


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lola works until exhaustion and has a lot of doubts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took me so long! I got the second vaccine shot and I was on my ASS-- fever and headaches and didn't feel like writing. Hopefully now there will be more updates as NOW we're in it.

“What were you _thinking_?” Harvey’s green eyes bore into Lola. 

She said nothing. Her eyelids barely fluttering open. Had she passed out again? 

“I don’t care if you’re a farmer and it’s fall. You can’t be overworking yourself like this.” 

“Good morning to you, too,” she grumbled, looking around at the familiar fluorescent light around her. She, indeed, had passed out again.“You’re not going to tell Shane, are you?” she whispered. 

Harvey’s gaze softened. Finally, he felt useful. The first time he found Lola passed out on her farm, he immediately called Shane as it seemed to be the right thing to do. He certainly would’ve wanted to be called if anything happened to Lola… or a girlfriend he may or may not have in the future. But as her visits became more frequent, she would wake up a little faster, and stop him from making the call. “You can drive me back,” she would say, and silently, he’d drive her back. 

“I’ll only tell him if you want me to,” he reached for her hand, and would have pulled away if her fingers didn’t wrap around him. 

“Good.” 

“But, Lola, you really can’t be doing this. This is the fourth time in two months you’ve been here-- collapsing from exhaustion. What are you doing?” 

“I’m getting ready for the winter,” she slipped her hand out of his. 

“I already told you I don’t care about that.” 

“I know, but I do.” 

“I care about your health, Lola, and this is getting ridiculous.” 

She moved to get up, but was still too winded. 

“If it’s help on the farm you need, I’m sure Shane could--” 

“He has enough on his plate.” 

“Have you thought about asking the neighborhood kids?” 

She grunted. She didn’t need the rumor mill starting again because she couldn’t take care of the farm herself. If her grandfather could do it, she could too. 

“I should get going.” 

“You can barely get up.” 

“Give me a few minutes, goddamnit.” 

“Listen-- I couldn’t do this while you were out, but I think I should run some blood tests. Make sure you’re okay? This has been happening a lot and I think you should--” 

“Fine.” 

“Okay. I’ll be back.” 

He returned with a small plastic crate with tubes and a needle. Lola watched as his latex-covered fingers expertly tournequetted her arm with the thick rubber, barely grazing her bicep, as if he were purposely avoiding touching her longer than a few milliseconds. 

“And just one pinch,” Harvey’s doctor-voice returned, and they both watched as her blood drained out of her arm and into the tube he was holding. Lola watched as the tube filled with her insides, and she couldn’t help but to think about how Harvey held a piece of her in that moment, something that he had been asking for and asking for, and he finally had-- a piece of her heart, in a way. That she had only obliged until her life depended on it, but was actually somewhat comforted knowing he held that. 

“Thank you,” she said, lifting her head from her pillow, but suddenly felt winded again. 

“Take it easy,” he hushed her. “I’ll go get you some water while you rest up,” he smiled and raised an eyebrow, “Promise me you won’t try to leave while I’m gone. You’re in no shape to walk back to your farm, Miss,” if he’d had a hat, he’d tip it as he walked out the door holding fragments of her heart. 

The formality stung. She had given up calling him “Dr. Smith,” soon into their speaking, but after he attacked Shane at the Flower Dance, Harvey was purposely trying to keep his distance. It was as if that punch released all his anger and aggression. He would even call Shane ifi she wasn’t awake to beg him not to. She was terrified of being a burden still, pulling him away from Jas, and now _this_. At least a blood test might put her suspicions to rest. 

\-- 

“I just don’t know why you wouldn’t call sooner,” Shane said, eyes on the darkened road in front of him. 

“It was late, and I didn’t want to bother you,” Lola’s voice was quiet, as she shrunk to the other side of the truck. 

“Well now it’s almost 5am and--” 

“Aren’t you happy you got those three extra hours of sleep?” she offered, her body still clinging to the door on the passenger side. 

“I’m sure Harvey would’ve liked to have those extra hours as well.” 

“Sorry. I couldn’t reach for my phone while I passed out.” 

Shane’s lips hardened into a thin line, as he pulled into Lola’s farm. “I’m sorry I’m not a doctor.” 

“I don’t want you to be a doctor, I want you to _understand_ me.” 

“Understand, what, Lola? Why you’re working yourself into the ground in the fields every day? Preparing for a winter like you’ll be out here alone? Because I don’t understand that,” his knuckles turned white at the steering wheel, as Lola’s eyes moved from the window to him. 

“I’m sorry,” she faced the dashboard now-- not quite facing him, but closer than she once was, “I just can’t stand being a burden on you and Marnie again-- especially after last winter where I barely had enough to make it… I just--” 

“Lola, you were never a burden,” he rested his head on the steering wheel, “We _love_ you. _I_ love you. You’re not a burden. How could you think that?” 

“I just kept thinking about how I was just another mouth to feed,” _and now maybe two_ she held out her shaking hands in front of her, “And how badly I failed my first year of farming and how that failure fell onto you and Marnie to keep me alive when I should’ve just _left_. I don’t know what I’m doing. I was a professor, Shane. I came here to _run away_ , not to--” 

“Start something?” he looked so hurt, it pulled Lola’s stomach to the car floor. 

Her mouth hung open, unsure what to say. 

Shane shook his head, leaning back into the car seat. 

“I--I didn’t mean it like that. I mean, Shane, I love you. I love you and Marnie and Jas, I just feel like I’ve--” 

“Don’t say it--” 

“Ruined everything.” 

Shane exhaled, and turned to Lola, his hands holding her face, and his forehead against hers, “How many times do I have to tell you,” his voice shook as tears pooled around his eyes, “that you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me?” 

\-- 

Harvey looked at the phone, trying to figure out how and when he should make the call. First thing in the morning? Shane might hear and get the wrong idea-- it was his, to be sure. But he had a feeling Lola would want to tell him-- or not tell him-- when she was ready. Later in the morning, she might already be outside, away from her phone, which would require him calling her cell phone-- something that seemed far too intimate for him to do now, even if she did place it on all the official paperwork as the preferred mode of contact. Could he have Maru do it? No, crazy, more people didn’t need to know what she was going through. He looked at the clock. It now seemed too late for first thing in the morning, as he was too paralyzed by thought through his breakfast, so mid-morning it would be. Even if it meant that he would have to call her cell. 

“Hello, this is Dr. Harvey Smith, is Dolores Foster speaking?” 

“It’s me,” she sounded like she was in her chicken coop. He could hear the scuttling and the squawking from his end. 

“Lola, I have your test results,” he said quickly, dropping the formality immediately. 

“And?” 

“And everything seems to be normal except, well, except that you’re pregnant, which I’m sure you may have already known.” 

“Yeah.” 

“So you knew?” 

“I suspected it,” her voice was high and tight. 

“Do you want to talk about your options?” 

“What options?” 

“Well, it depends on what you want to do… an ultrasound would be a good first step, unless--” 

“I guess it would be.” 

“I’ll give you some time to think it over… just… let me know what you need me to do.” 

“Okay,” she whispered. 

“And no more working until exhaustion, alright?” 

“Alright.” 

He hung up without wishing her a good day. How could he after giving her such news? Good news? Bad news? She didn’t exactly sound thrilled, but it explained her constant working-- was that in effort to self-abort? Harvey exhaled as he tried to calm himself down. He was her doctor, he tried to remind himself. This was for her to figure out. 

\-- 

Lola sat on the floor of the coop, holding the basket full of eggs. Half of her wanted to dump them on the chilly wooden floor, watching them each explode in front of their mothers. The other half wanted to place them in the incubator. God, she was obtuse. She could, of course, eat them. If only such a third option existed for her. 

_Another mouth to feed_

_don’t you know, you’re the best thing to have ever happened to me?_

She had to believe Shane. She knew he would never lie to her about that, about anything. She had to trust him. Lately, especially with the suspicion of the news, it was difficult to. It had been difficult for her to see herself as anything but a burden as Shane poured more and more of his time into her. No matter how many kisses and orgasms he gave her, she still felt unworthy. She loved him, she knew she loved him, but she found it so difficult to accept his affection. Part of her wished that he would just be mean to her again-- like he was on the first night they met. Curse each other out and scream-- it was easier. It felt safer than actually having a relationship with him. How could she ruin something if all he did was yell at her? Or if all he did was use her for her body? This kind of relationship was still so foreign to her, and she was determined to self-sabotage, except it seemed that no one would let her-- not even Harvey. 

_No more working until exhaustion, alright?_

Lola got up, deciding to put the eggs to good use in her kitchen. 

Turning on the gas on her stove, she placed her frying pan on top of the fire. She reached for a pat of butter and watched as the fat melted into an oil, covering the black cast iron. Lola knew she needed to wait for it to heat up, but she was getting hungry. If she cracked the egg now, it would stick to the pan, no doubt ruining her breakfast. She instead tried to think of her “options” as Harvey called them. Of which-- there were many. She could leave, get this taken care of in the city, and no one would be the wiser. She could stay, and get it taken care of here with Harvey, and he would know. Or, _or_ she could tell Shane, who would want to know. Wouldn’t he? Why had they been so careless?

It had been two minutes. Lola cracked the egg into the pan and watched as the whites coagulated from just touching the hot pan, sputtering as the edges fried in the oil. 

Shane would be at work now. Should she text him? Call him? Tell him tonight in person? Too many options. What would it matter if she decided to just _end_ it, like she was thinking all this time, thinking of doing to herself, more than whatever was inside of her. 

Lola picked up the phone. It was answered in two rings. 

“Marnie?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen, many pieces of media have shaped me and Twilight: Breaking Dawn is definitely one of them-- but I hope this is a little better than that. Also Little House on the Prairie -- which honestly is great in its own campy 1970s way. Maybe one day I'll write and SDV AU fic where they're on the prairie and the new farmer needs to marry shane for shelter during the winter. 
> 
> Anyway wow get ready I guess because now that we've got that HORNINESS out of the way... we'll probably have more horniness who am i kidding


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A decision is made

Lola braced herself as she sat on the couch. “Marnie, I.. uh… I’m sorry I forgot what I was going to say. 

“Are you alright? You don’t sound well.” 

Lola closed her eyes, fighting back tears, “Uhuh,” she shook her head, noises all she could manage. 

“Okay. Okay, dear, I’ll be right there,” a jangling of keys could be heard from the other line. 

Lola braced herself on the couch, counting down the minutes until Marnie appeared at her door. She had left it unlocked in her hurry to do something with the eggs. Now she had to do something with her eggs (badum tsss). A cool breeze entered as Lola saw Marnie appear behind the opening door. 

“You poor thing, you look like hell,” she whispered. 

Lola’s hair had escaped from her ponytail, and her overalls were muddy and covered with hair. Her face was puffy from the suggestion of crying and the bags under her eyes looked like shadows of sockets. She sniffed, allowing some sort of emotion to come out in Marnie’s presence. “I’m sorry for calling you like that,” her voice trembled, “Do you want some tea or something to drink?” 

“I can fix myself something while you get yourself together.” 

Lola stared at her in some disbelief or lack of understanding. 

“Go on, go to the bathroom and splash some water in your face. Then change out of your muddy clothes, pretend to be a person, and then we can talk.” 

Lola’s mouth was agape and she nodded, following Marnie’s instructions. She was right. Get yourself together. Fucking _do_ something. She splashed some water in her face and brushed her hair. Still in the bathroom, she gulped down a glass of water and made her way to her bedroom where she changed into leggings and a sweater-- something more presentable, to make her feel more in control. 

She emerged from the bedroom and sat next to Marnie on the couch. 

“I’m pregnant.” 

Marnie’s eyes lit up for half a millisecond and fell to meet Lola’s gravitas. “Oh… oh my.” 

“It’s Shane’s, if you had any doubts.” 

“No… no I didn’t,” she managed a smile, “And I take from this sour face that he doesn’t know.” 

“He doesn’t,” her words fell like stones in a pond. 

“Have you thought about telling him?”

“I have.” 

“But?” 

“But what? Marnie? But _money_. But Jas. But our mutual fucked-upness?? I don’t know.” 

“I think you’re being a little too hard on yourself.” 

“I failed at farming last year, how am I supposed to feed a _child_ if I can barely feed myself?” 

“Lola,” she gasped, “I can’t believe that you think you’ve _failed_. You’ve cleaned up this farm more in one year more than any grown man could’ve done in his lifetime. And I’m including your grandfather in that. And as for feeding yourself? You’re acting like you’re out here alone when my ranch is just down the road. You know Shane and Jas are my babies. You know that, and they care about you and I care about you and you having a kid won’t change any of that. Even _if_ it weren’t Shane’s. I’d still be here for you. You understand? That’s what family is. And, Lola, we’re family now.” 

Tears began to stream down Lola’s face. Marnie pulled her in for a hug. “Oh… thank you…I … I’m sorry. Things have just been” 

“I know, I know. But it’s okay,” she pulled back, “It’s not just you and Shane against the world, you know that right? It’s me and this whole damn town.” 

Lola looked at her suspiciously. 

“Well, almost.” 

They managed a laugh. Marnie took her handkerchief and dried Lola’s tears. 

“Now, I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I’m here for you no matter what.” 

\-- 

Lola met Shane outside of the Joja Mart after his shift ended. She stood in the parking lot, craving a cigarette, as he appeared between the sliding doors, ripped hoodie and grumpy-faced. He, of course, softened as soon as he caught sight of her, running up to her, his sneakers slapping the asphalt. 

“Hey!” he grinned, “What’s the special occasion?” 

Lola said nothing and immediately hugged him, wrapping her arms around his neck, and burying her moistening eyes into his collar. “Can we talk somewhere private?” she whispered. 

“Yeah, sure, of course,” he said, and took her by the hands as they walked north of the store along the river. They settled on a place with rocks large enough to sit on by the shore. Shane held both of her hands, his elbows on his knees, waiting expectantly as Lola blinked back tears, trying to avoid his gaze. 

She inhaled, “Shane… I’m pregnant…” she whispered, “Harvey did some tests yesterday when you picked me up. And I, uh, got the call today.” 

Shane leaned back, but still held Lola’s hands, this time by the fingers. “Huh.” He paused and scratched the back of his head, “How do you feel about that?” 

“I don’t know how I feel about it… stupid probably. Like I should’ve been more careful. I dunno. I think I could manage but… I don’t know if I _want_ to.” 

“Uhuh,” he raised his eyebrows and rubbed his chin. 

“Why, how do you feel?” 

“I feel like I should’ve given this to you sooner,” he pulled his hand back to his cargo short pocket, pulling out a seashell pendant. 

“Uhh… what the fuck is that?” 

Shane chucked, “It’s an old legend… local to Pelican Town… that when you want to marry someone… you give them this instead of a--” 

“Oh. Oh my god.” 

“So um… Lola?” he looked up as he fell to one knee, “Will you marry me?” 

“Yes? Wait, what the fuck? Yes, I mean, of course, yes,” she kissed him over and over again, him still kneeling between her knees. Lola held his face in her hands and stroked his cheek, “But what about the baby?” 

“Whatever you want to do. But let me show you something before you decide.” 

Shane led Lola to Marnie’s ranch. Sneaking into the coop through the back door, Shane managed to keep Lola’s eyes closed. This would be a surprise. This was his surprise that he had been keeping for over a year now, even before he had met Lola. It had started out as a crazy hairbrained idea, that he kept coming back to, that kept him from having one too many drinks some nights. 

“Alright. Tell me what you see,” he lifted his fingers from her eyes ceremoniously. 

“Are those...Are those blue chickens?”

\-- 

“So what do you say?” he said, as they stood in the coop together, surrounded by blue and white feathers. 

“I say you’re insane.” 

“Fair,” he smiled, holding one finger up, “But this is mine… which means this will be ours. Your farm has been doing much better this year, and I’ve been doing work here and I’m realizing that I’m _good_ at this type of work, Lola-- that I’m _making_ something, not just selling my hours away.” 

She nodded, still not convinced. 

“I’m telling you that we can make it,” he said walking up to her, pressing his forehead against his, “We won’t just ‘manage’ with a kid. We’ll make it. We can give them a good life here. I know it.” 

Lola met Shane’s eyes, full of hope for the first time. Hope for what-- she couldn’t quite place, so she asked, “So do you really want this baby?” 

“No, I really want you to feel like you actually have a choice.” 

The corners of her mouth twitched upwards, suggesting a smile. 

“But would I love to have a kid with you? Now? Sure? Yes? Why the hell not? But in the end, it’s you.” 

Lola broke into a sob, overcome with emotion--feeling loved, feeling like maybe she could have this child and provide for it. She thought of Jas in her lap, how she had grown to love a child that she wasn’t even hers before she learned to love herself. “Okay,” she nodded, “I think I know what I want.” 

“What do you want?” 

“I want to have the baby,” she smiled, realizing the happiness in her own voice. 

Shane wrapped his arms around Lola’s shoulders, his lips in her hair, “Papa Shane, reporting for duty,” he giggled. 

They emerged from the coop to see Marnie sitting at the table in the kitchen. She saw them smiling, and breathed a sigh of relief. “So you’ve decided, then?” 

“Yes,” Lola nodded, hiding her smile behind her hand. “We’re having a baby.” 

“Congratulations!” Marnie smiled, and then noticed the shell around Lola’s neck, “And you’re getting married?” 

“And we’re getting married,” Shane smiled, both he and Lola wrapped by Marnie’s arms. 

“Oh, that’s amazing news,” she kissed them both on the cheeks, “That’s wonderful, oh I’m so glad,” she laughed, “It’s happening so quickly.” 

“I know.” Lola said, “I know. It’s scary but it’s happening.” 

“Good scared or bad scared?” Marnie pulled back and eyed both of them. 

“Good scared,” Lola said, Shane nodding. “I just… I just have never been this happy.” 

\-- 

Marnie insisted that Lola stay for dinner. Jas had been dropped off by Jodi, who always made a habit of leaving quickly and quietly-- not that anyone would have it any other way. Lola and Shane were sitting on the couch, his arm wrapped around her shoulder. They turned around when they heard Jas’ footsteps from the front door, and she immediately screamed. 

“She said yes! Uncle Shane, she said yes!” she ran up to them, climbing over the back of the couch to sit between them. 

“I did!” Lola smiled, as Jas’ fingers immediately went to the shell, holding it from the string. 

“Oh, it’s _perfect_ ” she admired it, and then turned to her godfather, “Uncle Shane, you chose the one I picked.” 

“I did,” he grabbed her from behind and pulled her into his lap, “Of course I did, you know best.” 

“Wait, how long have you known?” Lola said, her finger now moving the pendant along the chain. 

“Oh, well Uncle Shane has been talking about for at least a year.” 

Shane nudged her, “We got it early this month.” 

“Yeah, we went shopping earlier this month,” Jas agreed.

“I was going to wait until Winterstar,” Shane blushed, “But with the news, I thought sooner rather than later.” 

“What news?” Jas looked turned from one side to the other. 

“Jas, you’re going to be a big sister,” Lola said softly. 

She squealed, “Really?” 

Shane nodded. 

“Does Aunt Marnie know?” 

Lola nodded. 

“Does this mean that I’ll move in with you two?” 

“Of _course_ ,” Lola said. “But that may be a while because the rest of the house needs repairs.” She felt a surge of anxiety sweep over her as reality started to set in. 

Marnie must have sensed it because she seemed to pop out from the kitchen, “And Lola, just know that if you need any help-- _I’m here_.” 

Lola nodded. 

“And I’ll take less hours at Joja so I can do the repairs,” Shane said. 

Before Lola could open her mouth to protest, “Remember-- I’ve been thinking about this for a month. I’ve thought this through.” 

She smiled. 

“Well, dinner’s ready. And, Lola, you’re eating for two now, so don’t disappoint me.” 

\-- 

Shane ran his fingers through Lola’s hair as she lay on his chest. They had walked back to her farmhouse, and Shane would no doubt spend the night. She wrapped her arms around his stomach, feeling his softness against her hands and forearms-- his warmth and love enveloping her as she pulled him closer. 

“Are you sure?” she said. 

“Yes. For the thousandth time, yes,” he kissed her forehead. 

“I mean about Joja… you’ll be making less money, having less hours.” 

“I know-- but you need me more than Morris does.” 

“What about money for Jas? And the baby?” 

“That’s what the chickens are for.” 

“You can’t really believe that--” 

“Look, Lola, look at me,” he sat up, and she followed suit. “Why did you move out here?” 

She inhaled, “You know why I moved out here.” 

“I wanna hear it from you.” 

“To feel some sort of control.” 

“So, not to make money.” 

“No…” she scoffed, “No, oh my god, of course not.” 

“Out here, between your land and Marnie’s-- We’re totally self-sufficient. Think about it. No rent. No bills. Just buying seeds and harvesting crops. We’ll have more than enough for us and two kids. I know it because I’ve _seen_ it.” 

“Seen what?” 

“What this place was like with your grandfather. He had kegs constantly brewing something-- always pickling or jamming something, and when he got sheep, he’d be able to spin the wool into cloth, mill the grain into flour. That man lived on his own terms on his own land. And so will we.” 

“Are you sure about that?” 

“Positive.” 

“What makes you so sure? 

“I know that he and you are a lot alike.” 

“From Marnie?” 

“No, goddamnit, Lola, I _knew_ him. I’m from here, remember? I mean, to a point. But still, I know all about Reginald Foster. And I know you’re just as brilliant and stubborn as he was. And not for nothing,” he extended his hands, “I’m pretty fucking stubborn too-- and not too bad with an axe.” 

“You make a compelling point.” 

“I know I sound crazy. I know this is insane to take on but--” 

“We’ve made it this far, haven’t we?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhhhhhhhhh well well well sorry sorry sorry. I realize that it's a little normative of me to have the sexy chapters be immediately followed by the baby and marriage chapter but you know what, this is for me and all my normative little house on the prairie fantasies being played out in Stardew Valley, but also there will be a lot more angst coming so???


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane and Lola prepare for their new life.

Lola stood on her porch, holding her tea and watching as Shane watered the crops. While she had insisted on tilling the land herself the day before, Shane got up before her to do most of the watering. The chickens were already fed by the time Lola got out of bed. Sweaty and smiling, he walked up the porch, wiping the moisture from his brow. He gave her a kiss, and placed the palm of his hand on her stomach. Her eyes looked up to meet his, which were still closed as he felt for their child that was yet to be. 

“We should go to the doctor,” she whispered, “to make sure everything’s okay.” 

Shane nodded, “Maybe we should wait until after the wedding-- less rumors at the ceremony.” 

“When is that, again?” Lola giggled. The past week felt like a haze to her. Shane was always at the house, sometimes with Jas, sometimes without-- helping out around the house, around the farm, doing anything that needed to be done before the winter. Lola’s second year had been better than the first, and she had some money saved from her past seasons’ harvests that she could put into repairing the barn. 

“In two days, baby,” he smiled. 

“Nothing _crazy_ , I hope,” she said. 

“No, no, of course not. It’ll be at Marnie’s ranch. You can wear whatever you’d like.” 

“Oh my god, I don’t have anything to wear,” her eyes widened. 

“Then wear nothing. Wear overalls. It’s just going to us and Lewis. Very quiet. Everyone else can hear about it later.” 

“Oh… um, can Emily come?” Lola asked quietly. 

“Well now we’re inviting _people_ ,” Shane warned. 

“Emily’s not people, she’s a friend,” she slapped his chest, “Do you want to invite anyone?” 

He thought quietly to himself, “Sam?”

“Now Sam comes with friends and a family, are you sure about that?” 

Shane shrugged, “Better talk to Emily about something to wear, because it’s starting to seem like a party.” He hugged her and rested his lips on her hair, “I should get going now to drive Jas to school.” 

“Of course,” she swallowed. 

“I’ll come right back,” he said, tightening his arms around her shoulders, “I know the nightmares have been tough.” 

Lola tensed. How did he know? Was it that obvious? “Thank you for helping me out.” _Of course he knew._ She was screaming in her sleep again. The growing weight inside was usually a comfort, but sometimes, especially at night, felt like something pressing down on her. 

“Thank _you_ for letting me,” he smirked, “I’ll see you soon,” Shane pulled away. 

“Give Jas my love,” she said, leaning on the post, watching the orange leaves fall in front of her. 

As soon as Shane was gone, she went inside and grabbed her phone. She did need to text Emily. She should’ve texted sooner, but maybe she’d be free today. “Hi, I’m getting married in two days. Do you want to come?” 

There was an immediate response, “Yes! Also come over NOW. We need to get started on the dress.” 

Lola breathed a sigh of relief. She wouldn’t have to ask for help with the dress, which was something she had been dreading. It was as if Emily read her mind. 

\-- 

“I thought I’d bring this along in case you wanted to just alter it,” Lola pulled out the linen dress from the Flower Dance from her backpack. They were sitting on the couch in the living room, and Emily took the hem of the dress from her, fingers examining the weft with conscientious precision. 

“Oh, yes, I know just what we’d do,” Emily smiled. 

Lola stared. 

“Do you mind putting it on now so I can draft some things?” her eyes were wide with excitement, building up from a new project. 

“Sure, yeah. Of course.” 

Lola took the dress and walked to the bathroom to change into the Flower Dance dress-- soon to be wedding dress. Over her pants swishing around on the floor, she heard Haley’s voice. 

“I just think it’s a little fast, you know?” she snapped her gum as she talked. 

“I guess, but they’re adults. They both know what they want,” Emily defended her friend. 

“Yeah, I bet they do.” 

“Oh my god, Haley, shut up. Just because Alex won’t propose to you after years of dating doesn’t mean that you get to be bitter on every happy relationship.” 

“I guess if you wanna call what they have happy.” 

“Stop being mean.” 

“I’m just being honest. The two of them? Misery loves company, I guess. I mean if she really wanted to be happy Har--” 

Lola opened the door, wearing her dress, sans ribbon belt. The dress hung loosely around her thighs and spun with her body as she directed her gaze towards Haley. “I can assure you, I’m very happy. Thanks for your concern.” She walked across the living room between the two sisters. 

“Let’s get started, shall we?” 

Once in Emily’s bedroom, away from the prying eyes of Haley, she took out her chalk and started sketching dotted lines across Lola’s chest, and placing pins at the waist. “So what I was thinking--- is that we add a sweetheart neckline, keep the sleeves, and add volume with some overskirts. What do you think?” 

Lola looked at herself in the mirror and tried to imagine what Emily had planned for her. 

“And the sash can’t be Marnie’s ribbon-- although it’s beautiful-- but should be something to add texture, maybe a velvet or a lace…” 

“You think about this a lot.” 

“I do, I was going to school for fashion design, you know.” 

“I didn’t…” Lola’s voice lowered as Emily moved to marking flounces in the skirt. 

“Yep, but our parents got sick so I came out here to take care of them… and now, well, they’re gone and I have three quarters of a fine arts degree.” 

“I’m sorry…” 

Emily shrugged, “I wouldn’t have it any other way. I got to be there for them when they passed and now I get to live out here and make clothes for myself and friends.” 

“Don’t you ever think about going back?” Lola turned around to find Emily digging through her fabric stash. 

“To school? Oh, no. Too much money. Gus pays me enough to buy food and some little extras. Haley and I own the house outright--which says a lot more than what it’s like in the city, when you’re renting.” 

Lola nodded, thinking back to Shane’s words _We’ll more than manage. We’ll make it._ Maybe he was right. 

“Okay, take a look at these,” Emily called Lola over to her bed where she had a collection of different types of fabric, all in the white-cream family. “I was thinking we do this for the sash,” she pointed to some velvet, “and I’d build out the skirt and the bodice with these two--” she gestured to some tulle and lace.” 

“It sounds like a lot of work for two days,” Lola said, worried about the amount of labor she was about to put into this. 

“Not really, I have a tulle skirt I can add to the dress and then I’ll just have to pimp out the top.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“If I wasn’t sure, I wouldn’t _offer_ , Lola,” she laughed, “And besides, this is what I went to school for. I feel like I’ve wasted time if I don’t do this.” 

\-- 

Lola returned home to see Shane moving around boxes upstairs. She took off her shoes and washed her hands before she made her way to the previously untouched second floor. It was dusty, but Shane was quickly making progress as he was clearing two bedrooms for Jas and the baby. 

“Can I help?” she asked when she got to the top of the stairs. 

“Hey!” he jogged across to her, “I’d kiss you but I’m gross. I didn’t hear you get back.” 

“You were moving something,” she smiled and kissed Shane, in spite of his dusty face. 

“Ah, well, do you want to mop? How are you feeling?” 

“I can do that. I’m okay,” she took off her jacket and hung it on the staircase post, and went downstairs to get the bucket and the mop. She returned with a half full bucket and mop swung   
over her shoulder. “How long have you been working up here?” 

“Ugh, a few hours,” he grunted as he came out of one of the bedrooms with some more boxes, He set them down and stretched, “Do you know what’s in these, anyway?” 

“Books, probably,” Lola said as she walked over to what would be Jas’s room. It was mostly empty save a few other, larger boxes in the corner. She began to mop the dusty floors. 

“Those are a lot of books,” Shane returned, and opened the window, letting in the cool fall air. 

“Maybe some farming equipment as well, I haven’t really had the chance to go through it all. I know my parents sold a lot when he first died, but besides that, the house is almost exactly as he kept it.” 

Shane raised his eyebrows curiously, “Farming equipment?” 

“Yeah, but it’s probably really outdated.” 

“Huh,” he thought to himself as he leaned against the windowsill. “Guess I’ll have a project for the winter.” 

“Yeah, me too,” Lola smirked. 

Shane pushed himself off the sill and wrapped his arms around her from the back, following her as she mopped the rest of the room. “That’s gonna be _our_ project, okay?” he said. 

Lola stopped mopping, leaning her back into him, willing him to hold her tighter. 

“I’ll spend the winter up here with you, remember? We’ll be married, and I’ll get to take care of you as--” 

“I expand,” she deadpanned.

“Yes, and our baby gets bigger,” his thumb caressed her stomach, barely showing at two months. 

_our baby_ It was the first time Lola had thought of it as a baby, not a promise of one. She hadn’t thought that the something inside of her was quite alive yet. But to Shane, it was. “A lot of things can happen, you know,” Lola said. 

“Do you want to change your mind?” he didn’t sound hurt, or even surprised, just asking. If he was sad, he was doing a good job of hiding it.

“No, no, of course not… I just worry that it’s so early something might--” 

“Oh…” he kissed her cheek, “No need to worry about that. But if you are, you should make an appointment with the doctor so you don’t psych yourself out.” 

“Are we both thinking of the same doctor?” Lola turned her head so that she could nuzzle into his chest with her nose. 

“The only doctor within a hundred mile radius, yes.” 

“I don’t think Zuzu is that far away.” 

“It’s not, but this is quicker and easier and you’ll feel better, won’t you?” Shane said, his arms squeezed her closer to him, and she welcomed the extra pressure. 

“It would.” 

“So call him. I’ll come, if you want me to,” he kissed her again, this time on her hair. 

“I do.” 

“I can finish mopping for you while you make the call,” his hands drop and swung up to grab the mop she was holding. 

“Are you sure?” 

“Positive.” 

\-- 

Lola decided to call from her cell phone, she laid down on her bed as she listened to the clinic phone ring. 

“Pelican Town Clinic, how may I help you?” Maru. She was manning the desk. Was it busy? 

“Hi. um. This is Lola Foster… Dolores Foster” 

“I know you, Lola,” Maru laughed. It wasn’t an unkind laugh, but her voice sounded tired. 

“Is Harvey available to take a call?” she tried to keep her voice steady and even. 

“Yeah, let me put you though.” 

Lola waited until she heard the familiar voice on the other end. “Hello?” 

She practically sighed with relief, “Hey, Harvey. I um… I’m keeping the baby. Can I make an appointment with you sometime this week?” 

“Sure, how about the day after tomorrow?” 

“Sorry… um… that day doesn’t quite work for me. Can we do the following day?” 

“Saturday?” 

“I know the clinic’s not usually open but we can come early.” 

“We?” 

Lola was silent. 

“I mean, I’m glad you’re gonna be going through this alone. Saturday morning… let’s say 10?” 

“Sounds good,” Lola sat up, “And Harvey?” her voice was soft, almost strained. 

“Yes?” Lola heard it. His longing, masked by professionalism and buried by shame. It crept up even now, comforting Lola like a glass of wine on a winter’s night. 

“Can we read together again?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm definitely going to write a fic with just Harvey after this is done because I definitely dragged him through the mud and I've seen so much cute fanart of him on tumblr it's melting my cold dead heart. omg. But also??? Lola??? What are you doing omg


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harvey pays Lola a visit
> 
> CW: sex

The truth was that Lola could get Harvey to do anything. Open the clinic on a Saturday? He’d done that for many people in town before-- it made the rest of his weekdays a little lighter. But reading with her after _everything_? He couldn’t deny that he wanted to touch her again. He wanted to kiss her again, hold her like she never let him. And now here she was, full of another man’s baby, days before marrying the father, and he couldn’t want her more. She hadn’t even mentioned the wedding. He had heard it. Unusually small and happening at Marnie’s ranch-- unlike the bigger town square weddings he was used to year after year as young couples moved in and out of Pelican Town. 

He wondered if she knew he knew. If she was testing him. If Shane was testing him-- trying to see what he would do, if he was really trustworthy enough to deliver their baby. Was he being crazy? Maybe, but he’d turn this over in his mind as he rolled his pen back and forth between his fingertips. He placed the pen down on his desk, and turned his attention back to Lola on the phone. 

“Yes, but you can text me, alright?” 

“Great, talk to you soon.” 

\-- 

Harvey approached Lola’s doorway the following day, not unlike his first time there. He was sweaty in spite of the approaching chill in the fall air. Reaching up to knock, he realized that the door was slightly ajar and let himself inside. There was piano music playing-- was it stride? He walked closer into the house to see Lola swaying by herself in the kitchen, licking cake batter off of a spatula. Her hips and thighs were outlined by a black silk dress that appeared to be backless, but waves of her dark hair reached her waist. She turned as he entered the kitchen, with the spatula still in her mouth. Her eyes were big and outlined in black smoke, and you would think she would blush, but there was no shame left in her. 

“I didn’t hear you come in,” she said, putting down the spatula and licking the remains from the corner of her mouth. 

“You-- ugh… the door was open.” 

“Guess it slipped my mind,” she tried using a spoon to check her reflection, but she had missed some batter on the other side of her mouth. 

“Lola, you missed a spot,” he approached her and before he could catch himself, his fingers were rubbing chocolate off her chin. Without hesitation, she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him, pressing her body against his. Surprised, Harvey, grabbed the countertop in his daze and spilled a glass of water. It shattered behind him. She was unbothered and her hands found their way to his collar buttons, fingers moving between the buttonholes, touching the cotton shirt beneath. Finally, Harvey pulled away. “I-- I thought you wanted to read.” 

“We can do that later,” her voice was heady-- breathy, like she wasn’t quite there. She began to unbutton each button down the front of his shirt. 

Harvey was helpless to her. He melted as her hands lowered to his belt buckle and she undid the fly. She smiled up at him as she felt his hardness in her hands. “Lola-- I… what are you doing?” 

“Isn’t this what you want?” she was on her knees now, kneeling in front of him. His hand was in her hair, he was overcome with the silkiness of it, the weight of her hand on his crotch. 

He nodded. 

She pulled down his pants to reveal plane-printed boxers. 

Blushing he said, “I didn’t think we’d do this…” 

“It’s fine,” she was smiling, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. Lola started a trail of kisses from the bottom of Harvey’s stomach to his hardened penis, leaking precum onto one of the jets. 

“I… um… what about-- your we--” Lola’s tongue pressed itself against the head of his now exposed cock. Harvey leaned into the countertop, his legs unable to steady his weight on their own. Her lips wrapped around him, finally, and he moaned, grabbing her hair as she moved up and down his shaft. After much squirming and tensing as he got closer to the brink, Lola removed her mouth and looked up at him. His length seemed to have caused water to pool in her eyes, as black tears started to streak down her face. 

“Shall we move to the bed?” she asked, her voice in stark contrast to her face. 

Harvey looked down at her, cheeks red striped with black, lips wet and glossy from her own saliva. If he were a different man, he would’ve nodded. He should’ve nodded, as his hungry nights urged him for weeks to come, his hand on his penis, thinking about what could have been if he were weaker. How he could finally have Lola in her grandfather’s bed, where this child inside of her was no doubt conceived. How maybe he could bend her over his desk or exam table in the coming months when she grew bored of Shane’s body and mind. How her body could be his secret plaything in reality and imagination-- asking for it because she wanted him, finally, as much as he wanted her. But he was not that. “No,” he whispered, wiping a tear from her cheek. 

Lola’s face didn’t fall, or Harvey couldn’t see, as she just held his hand on her cheek with hers, and began to cry. “Don’t… don’t you want to?” 

_Yes, god, yes. I want to. I want to fuck the ever loving shit out of you._ “No,” he said again, and pulled her up to her feet. 

“You’re lying,” she said, wiping away her own tears with the heel of her palm as Harvey pulled up his pants. 

“You’re getting married tomorrow,” he buckled his pants, shoving his still-hard penis behind the zipper. 

“You want me, I know you do… and I want you too,” she leaned in to kiss him but he stopped her. 

“Do you really want me?” he asked, full of disbelief, but edged by desire. Her lips were millimeters away from his, and he could feel her breath mingle with his. 

“I’ve never wanted anyone more.” 

Harvey unleashed himself as he wrapped his arms around Lola and lifted her up on the countertop. He pushed up the skirt of her dress and allowed his fingers to caress her cunt through her panties, which, as she had promised, were now wet. He moaned into her neck as he pushed her underwear aside to feel her moist lips, soft and supple from her own need for his body. For _him_. Finally, Lola had desired him, and he was lucky enough to be there. Lola’s hands reached for his belt again, and she undid it with ease-- a whisper of his slack zipper a prelude to his gasp. He was still hard, and sensitive to her touch, but he resisted his urge to enter her by pushing his fingers instead. His cock quivered at Lola’s small moan as she threw her head back. He curled and uncurled his fingers at his knuckles, his thumb on her clit. Her hips bucked. She didn’t need to beg. He removed his hand from her, slick with her come, and touched himself, looking at her legs spread around him. 

She nodded, and he entered her. Harvey fucked her on her kitchen counter, her bare legs at his waist, and his nose in her hair. He had been thinking about this for far too long, and finally, _finally_ she was his, just for tonight. Lola was silent, save for quiet gasping as he kept just missing the deepest part of her that longed for something to press against as his fingers had. She tried adjusting, but settled instead to press her hips up, grateful for the extra friction. Harvey came quickly, kissing her neck and then panting into her ears. 

Immediately, she was disgusted-- with herself and with Harvey. Why had she wanted this? Was it her replaying what happened with her professor? She pushed him off of her as she hopped off of the countertop, shuddering at the cold wet fabric between her legs. 

“Was-- I? Did you?...That was amazing for me… ummm” 

“Glad you enjoyed it,” she said, tying her hair into a ponytail, “It’s a shame I’m getting married tomorrow.” 

“Did you… enjoy it?” 

Lola shrugged. She got what she felt she needed anyway. It was a sad bachelorette party, she told herself. 

“I can go down on you if you’d like,” Harvey said, blushing. 

“That won’t be necessary, Dr. Smith,” she patted his cheek, “I better clean up the mess we made here.” 

“I want to make you come,” he insisted, grabbing her wrist. 

Lola looked at his hand and returned her gaze to him. She was bad, but coming was something she only did with Shane. She intended to keep it that way. 

He let go. “I’m sorry,” he sputtered, “Let me help with the glass. I broke it,” he looked around trying to find a broom, a dustpan, something to make him feel less useless. 

“It’s okay,” her voice was now soft as she kissed him on the cheek, “Let’s just… forget this ever happened, alright?” 

“Alright,” he nodded, looking at her, and seeing the seashell pendant between her collarbones. Guilt washed over him. 

“Thank you, though, for offering,” she smiled, “But I think we’re done here.” 

\-- 

Harvey returned to his car, painfully aware of his cock. He began to drive, urging himself not to think about what had just transpired. _Forget this ever happened_ , Lola’s voice rang as he pulled into town. He rushed upstairs to his apartment and looked out the window. There, he saw Shane’s blue sweatshirt appear. Instead of his usual grumpy self, he waved at the shopkeeper and smiled. He smiled like a man getting married the next day, but someone who really truly loved the woman he was going to marry. Harvey couldn’t hear him, but he was sure that there were no “ball and chain” jokes falling from his lips or even appearing in his mind. If he, himself, could be lucky enough to marry Lola, Harvey would be equally, if not more, elated. Elated at the prospect of being with someone who loved and respected you for the rest of your life-- building a family together on a giant plot of land in the middle of nowhere. It was the dream of the Aeneid-- a wandering soul finally settling down to a home. And that home, he had been sure, existed between Lola’s legs. A cave warm and welcoming to him, where he could grow his children. 

His eyes followed Shane as he finished talking to the shopkeeper and walked towards Lola’s farm, where she no doubt would be cleaning up the mess they made together. Harvey turned away from the window and his gaze fell to Lola’s copy of Vergil. He picked it up and it fell to a page from book 4, where they had left off. He heard Lola’s voice as he read the Latin quietly to himself: 

Dixerat. Ille Jovis monitis immota tenebat  
Lumina et obnixus curam sub corde premebat.  
Tandem pauca refert: 

_I think we’re done here_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never said she was a good person.


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lola and Shane get married.

Lola was lying down on the bed, still wearing her dress. She wanted to drink. To drink and drink and drink. But, as Harvey had reminded her, she was getting married tomorrow. Maybe she could drink then. No, there would be no drinking. She was pregnant, and she was going to have this baby. 

The door opened, “Baby?” Shane’s voice echoed through the empty house. 

She didn’t respond. 

Shane walked slowly into the house, entering the kitchen. There was a burnt chocolate cake on the counter, filling the room with a sweet charcoal smell. He knocked on the already opened door to see her lying on her back. “Hey.” 

“Hey, sorry,” she sat up, wiping the tears from her eyes, “I burnt the cake,” she sniffed. 

“Aw, that’s okay,” he laid down next to her on his side. “What’s with the wine?” 

Lola stared at the ceiling in silence. 

“Are you having second thoughts?” 

“No,” she said, “I’m just frustrated at myself.” 

“Why?” he asked so earnestly, so sweetly it stung. “You’ve done nothing wrong,” Shane reached out and held her, pulling her on top of his chest. 

“Okay.” 

“I love you so much,” he began to tear up. Lola heard his voice get tighter as he suddenly became stuffed up. 

“I love you too,” she whispered. 

\-- 

The ceremony would take place in the early afternoon. Shane had left in the morning before Lola woke up per the old superstition. Once the coast was clear, and some coordination with Marnie, she arrived, and was quickly and quietly herded into Jas’ room, on the opposite side of the house. Emily had gotten there first and had the finished dress laid out on the little girl’s bed. “Oh, it’s beautiful,” she gasped. 

“I can’t wait to see you in it,” she squealed, “And I’ll do your hair.” 

There was a knock at the door and the two women heard Jas’s voice from the outside, “Dr. Harvey?!” 

“I… I just wanted to wish the bride congratulations,” his voice was professional, yet nervous. 

“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea,” Marnie said, voice low, in a warning tone. 

Lola had just dressed when she got up and looked through the crack in the door. Emily was behind her watching, “Do you want to see him? I can leave, if you want.” 

“No, please stay,” she said. She couldn’t trust herself not to do something stupid. “He can come in,” she called to Marnie. 

Harvey entered Jas’ bedroom with her at his ankles. She was wearing a cream dress for her role as flower girl for the ceremony. She would walk with Shane as they sprinkled petals down the aisle. Jas practically hung off the doctor’s hands, rocking back and forth on her heels, oblivious to his sin. “You look beautiful,” he beamed. Lola’s hair had not been pinned up yet, but it hung around her shoulders not unlike it did last night. 

“Thank you,” she couldn’t bring herself to smile. 

“I wanted to give you these before the ceremony-- it’s silly-- but they’re um, wings.” 

“Like from an airplane?” Emily said. 

“Yes, exactly,” he nodded to her, grateful for her input, “There’s an old saying that if you love something, you should set it free,” he reached into a pocket to pull out a plastic pair of wings and placed them in Lola’s hand. “Congratulations, Lola. I hope he makes you very happy,” he rolled her fingers shut and walked out of the door. 

“Geez, that was awkward,” Emily said. 

“No, I deserved that,” Lola looked down at the wings, “I put both those boys through hell.” 

“Well, Shane obviously knows it’s worth it,” her friend pulled her to the chair as she got started pinning up her hair. 

Lola laughed wryly, “Yeah, let’s hope so.” 

“Aw, come on, no self-deprecation on your wedding day, alright? You’re supposed to be happy.” 

“I am happy.” 

“You _were_ happy, and then Harvey seemed to put a damper on it.” 

“Like I said, I deserved that.” 

“I don’t see why you keep saying that, Lola, you’re--” 

Lola opened her mouth to confess everything. To say “I fucked Harvey, alright? I lured him into my house because I needed to blow everything up, and no one suspects a fucking thing!” but she saw Jas sitting on her bed, watching the two women get ready for what was supposed to be the biggest day of her life. “You’re right,” she said, “I’m sorry. I just got too caught up in it.” 

“Of course, of course,” Emily soothed her by rubbing her back, “It’s gonna be fine. Shane loved you yesterday, he loves you today, and he’ll certainly love you tomorrow.” 

_We’ll see about that,_ she wanted to say, but knew it was worthless. “You’re right. And I love him, too.” 

“I know you do,” Emily smiled at Lola’s reflection in the mirror, “We can all see it.” 

\-- 

Shane stood in front of the few rows of chairs and guests with Mayor Lewis and Jas at his side. She would play ring bearer and flower girl today, as she handed a velvet pouch to her godfather, who was practically beaming. He had let Marnie comb his hair to the side and had shaved. Shane wore his father’s old suit, which fit him surprisingly well, and he was standing tall and proud, waiting for his wife to appear. 

It was a few anxious moments for him, as it seemed to be a beat too long before he saw the swish of her white skirt, followed by the lace of her bodice, girded with a velvet ribbon. Harvey was right, she was beautiful. Shane let out a small gasp of air when she began to walk, seemingly gliding down the aisle lined by Jas’ handiwork. Once she reached him, he pulled up her veil to reveal an unpainted face save for faded red lipstick, adding life to the dread and guilt. Lola smiled at Shane through the Mayor’s ceremonial words. 

“What’s wrong?” he whispered, sensing her fear. He held her hand. The mayor stopped talking. 

“I just love you so much…” tears streamed down her face. 

Shane nodded to Lewis, who continued, “Do you, Shane, take Dolores to be your lawfully wedded wife?” 

“I do,” he smiled and squeezed her hands. 

“And do you, Dolores, take Shane to be your lawfully wedded husband?” 

“I do,” and with everything, she managed to smile back, really, smile back. 

“With the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.” 

Just like the Flower Dance, Shane stepped forward and kissed Lola on the mouth, one hand holding hers and the other hand on her cheek. He was crying from happiness, and she was too-- as long as the guilt stayed away, hopefully to fade in the background for years to come. 

\-- 

Shane carried Lola over the threshold, into their new house. He placed her down on the couch, and then lifted her legs and sat down, placing her calves on his lap. 

“That was good,” he smiled, “how are you feeling?” 

“Tired,” she smiled up at him, but still giddy from the doting and attention. “I’ll be ready in a minute,” she yawned. 

He laughed at his wife, “We don’t have to do anything tonight, you know,” his fingers wrapped around her ankles, unbuckling her sandals. 

“Why would you say a thing like _that_ ” she kicked off her shoes to the floor. 

“Well, just because you’re tired, and you know, pregnant,” he grinned, as if challenging her. 

“My being pregnant doesn’t make me want you any less… in fact it may make me want you even _more_.” Lola sat up and then straddled her husband. She could feel his erection even through the layers of tulle. 

“Does it?” he grabbed her ass, lifting up her skirts, “Makes you remember my dick works, doesn’t it?” Shane growled playfully into her neck. 

She giggled, “You should help me take this off, first. Emily would kill me if you ripped it.” 

“Don’t tempt me,” he found the zipper in the back and unzipped. 

The sound reminded Lola of the previous night. Harvey’s zipper. Right across the house in the kitchen. She shook the memory from her head, remembering how he left her unsatisfied, and began kissing her husband, first with soft kisses down his jaw line and then finding his neck, nibbling at the smooth skin under his collar. 

“You’re so eager,” he pulled down the bodice to reveal her ripe breasts. 

“Can you blame me?” she stood up and shimmied out of the dress, revealing that she wasn’t wearing anything but a white lace thong. “Let’s go to bed,” she whispered in Shane’s ear and pulled him up, undressing him as they walked to the bedroom. She purposely avoided the kitchen, which still reeked of burnt chocolate. 

Lola wasted no time in getting Shane on his back as his boxers tented at his lap. “Do you mind if I’m on top again?” she was eager, waiting on her knees for Shane to nod. Without taking off his boxers, she started to grind against his cock, feeling their wetness grow between the fabric. Shane kissed his wife, wanting to feel her all around, his hands moved up and down her back, eventually settling on her thighs.

“Don’t you want me to touch you first?” he said, as Lola scrambled with his boxers and pulled down her thong. 

He felt her heat above his sensitive head, and the slightest quiver against her clit sent a trickle down his shaft. “I think I’m ready.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“I’ve never wanted anyone more,” she surrounded him with her cunt. 

Shane rocked back and forth with Lola in his lap until she could barely mutter a word. Her thighs trembled as Shane’s cock rubbed inside of her, massaging the spot that Harvey missed, scratching an itch that only Shane seemed to know how. “Can I be on top now?” he whispered as she sobbed in her neck from pleasure. 

She nodded, grasping for his hair that was just a little too short to grab. Shane gingerly turned over with his cock still inside of her. 

“Is that good?” he began to move back and forth, slowly, stretching Lola’s entrance with his girth. 

Lola could only moan. 

“I’m gonna have to come soon, baby,” he managed, “But I want you to tell me when…” he started fucking her faster and deeper. 

“Please. Please. Please. Come inside me, fuck, fill me up…” her legs wrapped around him as he pushed against her, letting himself go. 

Shane sputtered her name as he collapsed on top of and eventually rolled off of her, “I love you,” he whispered, “And I love your pussy,” he laughed at himself, “God, it feels so fucking good,” he snuggled into the crook of her neck. 

“I love you, too,” she leaned into his head with her cheek, and kissed the top of his hair, “and your cock isn’t too bad either.” That was a lie. It had been the best she had ever experienced. 

\-- 

Lola had fallen asleep quickly after, tired from the day. Shane, on the other hand, was wide awake and tried to make himself useful. He started gathering up his suit from the ground and hanging it up in the closet. He then reached for Lola’s wedding dress, crumbled into a ball of tulle in the living room. As he picked it up, he noticed a sharp piece of plastic pinned to the inside of the skirt, right where Lola’s thigh would meet her crotch. 

Unraveling and untangling the maze of the skirt, Shane was able to reveal a pair of cheap plastic wings. Ones that children get from pilots their first plane ride-- ones that a certain neighborhood doctor no doubt collected to fill up his sad little life. Shane held the wings in his hands and snapped them in half.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been slow going, since I've recently become addicted to discord. I wish I could say I know what happens next, but I'm just listening to what these messes are doing.


End file.
